Not So Holy Matrimony
by Milka-Weasley
Summary: “And I pronounce you a husband and wife...” Sort of. Only the husbands and wives do not choose each other. They're being chosen by destiny. And it's a game at Hogwarts. MARAUDERS ERA, you know you want it. JamesLily, RemusSirius - NO real SLASH. Humorous!
1. The Destined Ones

**Dis-bloody-claimer: **_Marauders and the rest of the characters are JK's. Alright, we get it. You don't have to rub it in, gee. Rock on, JKR, we love you._

**Author's Notes: **_New fic, oh yes indeed. **James/Lily, **__**Remus/Sirius** - **NO REAL SLASH**, okay! Just humorous. I need your comments, people, so I can know if I should bother continuing this. I have the idea, now all I want is readers and reviewers. Are you the ones I'm looking for? I sure hope so. DO read and DO say what you think about this. And I WILL write more. Gracias._

**Short and sucky Summary:**_"And I pronounce you a husband and wife..." Sort of. Only, the husbands and wives do not choose each other this time. They are being chosen by destiny. And it is all a game at Hogwarts. MARAUDERS Era, y'all L/J, R/S._

**P.S**._ I intend on putting Snape somewhere in 'ere as well. If you like, you can vote who he should be paired with. Should I make him with somebody similar to him, somebody quite different than him... or... maybe... Trelawney or somebody? LOL. You can give me ideas and I'll take them in consideration. Now onto the story. –bows-_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by **_Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 1 - The Destined Ones**

**-Passing Notes in Transfiguration- **

_Tap_.

Something soft hit Lily Evans on the back of her head. She turned around only to notice a black haired boy, who sat a few desks behind, grinning significantly at her. She rolled her emerald green eyes as she picked up the folded piece of parchment James Potter had thrown at her.

She carefully opened it, trying not to be seen by professor McGonagall, who was in the middle of explaining some new ways of Transfiguration to the class.

Only six simple words were written on the parchment:

_**Does seven sound good to you?**_

Lily wrinkled her forehead whilst thinking what to respond and avoid sounding unnecessarily rude. Even though she had been seeing a Ravenclaw boy for two months now, James still didn't want to give up on asking her out.

She bit the end of her quill before writing back an even shorter message:

_I'm busy tonight._

Lily waited for professor McGonagall to look away and then threw the note back to James. Not long after, she felt a mild tap on her shoulder again. Lily's eyes went across the respond.

**_Well, I certainly didn't mean to make them all tonight_.**

She confusedly turned to James, her mouth forming something that irresistibly reminded him of "What the hell are you talking about?"

He chuckled and wrote another quick note. Lily caught it as it flew through the air, eager to read the explanation.

_**Seven kids, Evans. Once we get married. **_

A couple of pink stains appeared on Lily's cheeks as she scribbled the reply.

_In your dreams, Potter. Like I'd ever marry you_.

Lily was just about to throw the note back to James, when a wand appeared in front of her. Unfortunately, she recognized it as professor McGonagall's wand.

"Miss Evans," said Minerva McGonagall sternly, "I can assure you I don't doubt you are having incredible fun with writing those notes at the moment. That is why I'm extremely sorry to interrupt you."

"I... er..." the pink stains on Lily's cheeks were slightly redder now. "I apologize, professor McGonagall, it won't happen again, I promise...

"_Although_," accented the professor, obviously not paying too much attention on Lily's poor apologies. "it does seem a bit unfair to me that you're amusing yourself while the rest of the class is being bored with ten monotonous ways to turn an owl into a clock. Will you be so kind to hand me the notes now? _Both_ of those?"

"They're kind of private..."

"_Now_."

Lily hesitated a few seconds, but seeing as there was not other way, unwillingly handed the notes to McGonagall. The whole class goggled expectantly at professor now, who was silently reading the notes.

"This means," she said calmly after finishing with reading, "that Mr. Potter is most definitely sitting on the edge of his chair waiting to hear the reply."

"Now that you've mentioned it, professor..." declared James in his usual cheery voice. "I am, in fact."

McGonagall gazed abysmally. "Right. Well, I'm never glad to be the bearer of the bad news, but the answer is disappointing, I'm afraid."

"Always is." interjected Sirius Black, grinning. "It's been like that for the past... hmmm... James, correct me if I'm wrong... what 7 years?"

The whole class laughed at this, including James himself, who didn't seem to be too shocked with Lily's answer. After all, what Sirius had said was entirely true – Lily had never ever said yes to James... in any way.

"You're quite right, mate," James honestly responded. "7 unsuccessful years it was. But I have a feeling this year will bring the change!"

"I'd say that's the spirit," Sirius said, "if only you didn't say that last year... and the year before that..."

If Lily didn't know professor McGonagall better, she could swear she saw something that could be described as a smile in one corner of professor's lips.

"Now that we've determined this sorrowful relationship between Mr. Potter and Miss. Evans, we can surely go back to owl transfiguration and the reason we were here in the first place."

"Actually," Remus Lupin unobtrusively added from his seat, next to Sirius Black's. "We can't. We only have... 35 seconds left till the end of the class."

Minerva McGonagall sighed. "Well, in that case, before I dismiss this class, I must ask you one thing Mr. Potter."

"Yes, professor McGonagall?"

"Did you speak to professor Dumbledore... in the last... couple of days?"

James frowned for a split second, thinking. "Not that I remember, no... Why?"

"Oh, nothing, nothing," Minerva McGonagall shook her head pensively. "After all, you'll find about it tonight."

* * *

**-The Destined Ones-**

As James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew made their way to the Great Hall, they suddenly became aware of a strange commotion in the Main Entrance. There were more students than usual and everyone seemed much more excited and chatty.

"What's going on?" James asked his friends curiously.

"I don't know and I don't care," responded Sirius quickly, not willing to stop or see what the fuss was about. "This dog's too hungry to think."

"Look!" exclaimed Peter, pointing his finger to the opposite wall. "There!"

"It is some sort of," said Remus as he peered over everyone's shoulders. "advertisement, I think..."

"Didn't you hear?" a girl, who was passing near them communicatively said. "The pairs are being announced tonight!"

"Pairs?" said James. "What pairs?"

The girl laughed amusedly.

"You are really not informed, are you? Well, it's all about the new Hogwarts game for all of the 5th, 6th, 7th years and professors! Dumbledore will take the names out of a big box during the dinner and... oh, sorry, my friends need me! See you later!" she added and ran to a group of giggling girls.

"How cute." commented Sirius, even though it was obvious he thought it was everything but cute. "Now let's go eat."

"Yeah..." muttered James absent-mindedly.

The four of them entered the Great Hall and sat at the Gryffindor table. "_Finally!_" thought Sirius Their plates immediately filled with most random meals and they started eating. After approximately 20 minutes, Albus Dumbledore stood up and people went quiet.

"I won't be taking too much of your precious time," he said loudly, so that everyone in the Hall could hear. "so, I'll get straight to the point. I know it sounds unusual, Mr Longbottom, but I'll leave my regular long speeches for the end of the year."

Frank Longbottom, a 5th year from Gryffindor, sank in his chair as the eyes of all four houses were sighted to him. The Headmaster must have noticed the surprised sound he had let when he said he would get straight to the point. Truth be told, it was rare, indeed.

"As I was saying..." Dumbledore continued speaking. "If you've read the announcement in the Main Hall, you probably know that we shall have an interactive game this year for the students older than 15."

"So we've heard" muttered Sirius to Remus, but now that he was full, he did seem much more interested in the whole thing.

"The box with names of each and every one of you is in the hands of our Charms professor, Mr. Filius Flitwick," said Dumbledore, smiling. "The game is called _Matrimonium Alveum_, which, in Latin, means nothing else than... _Holy Matrimony_."

James's jaw dropped, as well as many other students'. "Holy... what?" he mumbled, flabbergasted.

"...and it should help you find your destined Hogwarts spouse who will be your companion till the end of the year. The purpose of this game is fun in the first place, of course, and getting ready for the real life marriage one day. Don't get scared, it will be perfectly amusing!" Dumbledore added, as he saw many freaked out faces. "Now. If anyone doesn't want to participate, you simply let us know now. Just raise your hands and your names will be out of the box."

James looked around himself and saw Black grinning madly, Lupin staring at the floor, Peter biting his nails nervously, but none of them raising a hand. However, James's look searched for somebody else. He gazed at Lily, who, on his great relief, didn't raise her hand either.

There were a lot of confused and hesitant faces, but only ten or twelve people actually gave up. Everybody else seemed to like the idea of _Matrimonium Alveum_.

"Alright, then," said Dumbledore after a few minutes. "On my sign, Filius. Ready?"

"Ready, Headmaster," squeaked professor Flitwick excitedly and drew out his wand, yelling "_Wingardium Leviosa_!"

The box lifted up in the air.

"_Infirmo_!" shouted professor Flitwick and the box started shaking like mad. Suddenly, it flung open and more than 800 small pieces of parchment began to fly around the Great Hall's enchanted ceiling.

A loud "_Woah..._" was heard all over the Hall.

The names chased each other, twirled, flew up and down, ran away from others, then started to slow down and finally stopped, as they stuck to one particular piece of parchment. The _destined _one, as Dumbledore said.

Everyone impatiently waited for Dumbledore's next move. He seemed very pleased as he spoke again:

"So, it's done. But you will only have to wait just a little bit more. I know it's tormenting, but as soon as you get to you dormitories you will know. The name of your chosen one will be on your pillow. And tomorrow, I'm looking forward to seeing newlyweds. Good night, everyone!"

* * *

**Author's Notes**: _Now, whatcha thinking? Like it or not? JUST TELL ME, oh I beg you. Please. Please. Please. Haha. I'm pathetic. That's why I'd love you to tell me whatever you have to say. Okay, I'm leaving now. reviewsreviewsreviewsreviews!_


	2. Truth Is Out There

**Guess what this is – a disclaimer! **_James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily were created by Joanne Rowling. My imagination is the one to be blamed for a few of my own characters Plot is nobody else's than mine. Thank you, come again._

**Author's Notes: **_Wow. Thanks for your reviews, guys! Thank you so much! I'm grinning like a dork now. Just keep them coming. They are the ones that keep me wanting to update. You guys are the ones that raise my moral. Onto the individual responses:_

_**1. Tanya**: Glad you think it's original! L/J rocks indeed, doesn't it?  
**2. WickedWitchSistersMioneGin**: I'm updating, hehe. Or as you said – muahaha. BTW, love your nickname.  
**3. SARAH**: Thanks! The update's, obviously, here.  
**4. Devilsmiles**: Cliffies make the world go round. Don't throw popcorn, please, I'll do whatever you wanna! In this case, I updated. Hope you like.  
**5. check6**: Muchas gracias – glad you like.  
**6. Shelbykins**: MY DEAR. So happy you loved it! I really do must continue, don't I? Well I did. Hehe. Thanks so much! Love.  
**7. Ashley Pups**: I've just finished writing the second part! Hope you like it as much you liked the first one. I'll notify you of updates in my LJ, fo sho. Thanks a bunch, girl!  
**8. xRazberryGurlx**: Glad you like it! Here's more!  
**9. Jeran**: Yay for finding it interesting! Thanx.  
**10. Operate**: OMFG, Carina. Thanks for reading.  
**11. the-power-of-love**: Thankses! Glad you liked!  
**12. Nick**: You bet there's more. Thanks for reading and liking!  
**13. MaraudahLily**: Hehehe, I don't know why nobody told you about this fic, but I'm glad you found it. Here's more, just like you wanted._

_Okay... Now that I've done this, I can continue with the story. The rules are the same – you read and review, I write some more. Can it be any more simple? Thought so. Let's go then, shall we?_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by _Milka-Weasley_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 2 - The Truth Is Out There**

**-James Potter Learns the Truth-**

James Potter was the first one to enter the boys dormitory of Gryffindor 7th years after the dinner. Sirius Black got held by the professor of Care of Magical Creatures "_Mr Black, I hope I don't bother you, but I hear you're quite the connoisseur of Muggle dogs, so I was wondering if I could have a few words with you_?"; Remus suddenly remembered he needed to search for some books in the Library "_It's not like the name will disappear from my pillow_, _and besides, I really want to find out more about... er... um... impact of crescent moon on teenage werewolves..._" and Peter... Peter had to pee.

James promised them he wouldn't touch their parchments, but even if he didn't do it, he wouldn't be able to read them even if he wanted to.

Apparently, Albus Dumbledore and the rest of the professors thought of everything: the names were visible only to those who were supposed to read it. Everybody else would just see words like "_La cucaracha_" or "_Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious_", which were carefully chosen by the Headmaster himself.

As James moved through the bedroom, he thought how relieved he felt that he would be alone when looking at his destined wife-to-be for the first time, even though Sirius, Remus and Peter were his best friends.

"You never know who she might be, after all!" he panicked. "What if I'm destined with that Slytherin troll Rebecca Parkinson!"

Oh, _no,_ he wouldn't survive it! But, she _did_ look at him during the last Quidditch match. That could be a problem.

"When I think about it for a sec though, she probably looked at me only because I was covered in mud from chin to toes... That would also explain why she started laughing maniacally when I passed by..."

James resolutely decided to push Rebecca away from his thoughts and let somebody else take over his mind.

_Yes_, he definitely knew whose name he would like to see on his pillow... but reality wasn't always as kind as the dreams were...

James finally approached his four poster bed and breathed deeply.

"Okay, hotshot," he muttered to himself, "the moment of truth is here... You'll face it, no matter what it is, and move the curtains in three... two... one..."

He pulled the curtains aside and saw the respective piece of parchment lying on his pillow. James blinked a few times as he stared at the name written on it. There was no mistake. He read it correctly. James closed his eyes and opened them again, just in case. The name didn't seem to change.

"Well, I'll be damned..." he whispered, as he felt heat streaming through his body and his voice trembling. "Looks like I'll have to take care of those seven kids much earlier than I thought!"

* * *

**-Sirius Black Learns the Truth-**

"Hey, Prongsie, you awake?" mumbled Black approaching James's bed more than two hours later.

He could hear his friend breathing evenly as his stomach lifted up and down, following the rhythm of his respiration.

"Guess that's a no, then. And I really wanted you to be there when I'd read who my destined slave was. Wife. Wife's the word. If only professor Nottingham haven't bored me with those dog fleas and waving tails for this long, you'd still be up. It's good to see you're having that goofy grin on your face, mate, though. Means you're having some wet... _did I say wet_? I meant sweet dreams. Well, I s'pose I'd better go and check that name on my pillow then. Hopefully my destiny is as good as yours, judging by the size of that grin... Oh, _bugger_. I'm talking to a sleeping log."

Sirius moved away from James's bed and continued walking to his own, which was at the end of the room. He glanced towards the other three four poster beds, seeing a barefoot leg sticking out of Pettigrew's bed, as well as Clark Bradley's arm peeking out of his part of room. Sirius's experienced smell senses told him Remus was already in his bed too. Don't get it wrongly - it had nothing to do with Remus's hygiene; it was more of a dog – werewolf matter.

"Oh, there you are," he whispered as he reached his bed. The lights were out, so he couldn't see the name written on his piece of parchment right away.

Sirius seized it and came closer to the window. Silver moonlight set across the parchment, showing him six glittering words and made it impossible to be any mistake who his Hogwarts spouse was. Sirius stared at the parchment, his lips inaudibly forming every word, as though he had the hardest time believing what it actually said.

_Remus John Lupin, Gryffindor, 7th year._

"Oh, Moony," Sirius struggled hard in order not to start laughing, "I've always had a feeling you were... gay."

He took off his robes, put on pyjamas and climbed to his bed, closing the curtains. As he tiredly yawned, Sirius realized he no longer felt sorry James wasn't there to attend the reading of his destined one.

Only a few beds away, a pale light brown haired boy gave his best to finally close his eyes.

* * *

**-Remus Lupin Doubts the Truth-**

The late autumn sun intensively shone straight at James's face. He blinked a few times before opening his eyes. Everything was blurry around him, so he put on the glasses.

James looked around, noticing the piece of parchment near his pillow and remembering the events of the previous day. He beamed triumphantly, suddenly feeling an unbearable urge to share his happiness with somebody.

James strode to Sirius's bed, but, on his great disappointment, found it empty - just like Clark's. Peter was still asleep and somehow, James didn't want to wake him up. Crossing his fingers, James tiptoed to Remus. Fortunately, he was still there.

"Wake up, Moons," said James, bending and shaking his friend's elbow.

"Mhmhmhmmm..." responded Remus unconsciously and turned on the other side.

"You'll be late for class!" lied James, knowing it would be the only way to get the always righteous Lupin out of his bed.

"Oh, no," cried Remus and immediately shot up. "It can't be!"

"You're right, my mate, it can't," laughed James. "It's Saturday."

Remus Lupin scowled. "Well, in that case, thanks for waking me up, you horned stag of evil."

"Any time. So... ready to hear the big news?" asked Potter dramatically. "The huge news? The greatest bloody brilliant news of all times?"

Remus's just awoken brain didn't work as properly as usual. "Uh?"

"I'm married, Remus" he said ecstatically. "and I'm married to _Evans_!"

Remus blinked and suddenly began to remember why his best friend talked about marriage.

"It's like... I mean... Isn't it simply... _Lily Evans_!" thrilled James, "no, no... Lily _Potter_. Oh, hell, it sounds so well. Lily Potter... Potter Lily..."

Remus listened to James, but only partly. Something else preoccupied his thoughts. Or should it be said - _somebody_ else.

An enormous amount of embarrassment and fear flood him over and he felt his cheeks burning madly. Remus was accustomed to be the one who always had the answers to anything... but not this time. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, how to react, or what to say.

Remus was completely thunderstruck when he had read the name of his destined one the night before. Sure, he did notice he wasn't as attracted to girls as the other boys were, but he blamed it all on his werewolf side. Remus always thought the will for chasing the girls would come later as a natural thing... But he certainly wasn't expecting _this_!

And, which was even more unbelievable, was the fact his best friend was... _well_... you know. Remus never had any doubts Sirius was more of a ... _girl_ person. After all, he had many girlfriends and the female part of Hogwarts was utterly crazy about his shiny black hair.

"What if the _Matrimonium Alveum_ made a mistake?" thought Remus cowardly, "What if the destiny hasn't been calculated properly? What if..."

Deep down inside, Remus knew _Matrimonium Alveum_ wasn't wrong. But where did that lead him? He didn't know. He was lost, confused and awkward... and without anyone to turn to.

"Hello, Earth calling Remmy! Aren't you gonna congratulate me?" James's voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

Remus stared blankly and then it finally hit him: James's destined wife was nobody else than the girl he had unsuccessfully been after for years! That was definitely a reason for celebrating, so he decided to stop thinking about himself and simply be happy for his mate.

"Of course I am! It's really great news, as you said." Remus smiled honestly, "How did the bride react?"

"I'll found out today," shrugged James and then chuckled mischievously, nudging his friend. "And how about you? Who's your lucky one?"

"Ahh... Y-you don't..." stuttered Remus, "you don't know hi... _her_."

"You kidding me? You say James, the Quidditch captain and the Head Boy doesn't know her? I know at least half of the school!"

"Not this half."

"Oh," James said, sounding a bit dissatisfied, "if you're so sure. Then I bet she's some nerdy, but pretty book worm, eh? Just like the ones you like!"

"Book-worm? No, not really. More of a ... _rebel_ person, I'd say."

"Wow, Moony, you really know how to surprise!"

"I do, don't I?" agreed Remus quietly. "I must say I've surprised myself very much as well..."

"All this marriage excitement got me hungry... Let's wake Pete and go to breakfast!"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Good/not good? Gimme your thoughts in reviews. Au revoir!_**  
**


	3. Potter and Evans

**Disclaimer, please: **_I bow to you, o' mighty Joanne Kathleen Rowling, for inventing James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Frank Longbottom, Peter Pettig... well, it's not that I'm really grateful for making HIM up, 'cause Lily & James would still be alive if... Okay, okay. I'm __joking. My original characters are in here too, so go me. Plot is mine, mine an only mine. Woohoo._

**Author's Notes: **_Can you see me jumping up and down like a psycho? No? Well, I am. Reviews make me so happy – you have NO idea. _

_Here's a new part, MUCH MUCH LONGER than the first two. That's why I deserve more reviews, ahaha. But it's logical, isn't it? Anyways, loads of James... and Lily... this time... Hehehe. Read & review, okay? I'll love you forever. Now, onto the individual replies, if you will._

_**1. Shelbykins**: Hahaha, that made me laugh. Glad you liked the 'la cucaracha', LOL. Oh my, you're making me blush. I can't describe how happy I am to read your reviews! So you like the Snape/Trelawney idea? Cool! I'll have to throw them in as soon as possible... maybe. -wink- Remus/Sirius coming soon, I puh-romise. Once again, thanks and enjoy!  
**2. Ashley Pups: **Giggling is good! Thanks!  
**3. Cindy: **J/L is one of my OTPs, too. LOL, I know you're supposed to have One True Pair, but how can I choose between Ron/Hermione, James/Lily and Remus/Sirius? So. Hard. Anyways, I'm glad you think the marriage idea is cute. Yay!  
**4. Linds ;D: **Woo-hoo! So happy you think that. Enjoy the new chappie!  
**5. Emiko Black: **Ehehe, so happy I made you like R/S, muahaha. Thanks for liking!  
**6. jellyjulie:** Yep, 'tis original, alright! Muchas gracias!  
**7. Tanya**: Lupin is a dearie, isn't he? Hehe, Sirius does that from time to time... Thanks!  
**8. Nick: **Yay! So glad you liked it, even though it was a surprise for ya. -smile-  
**9. Phaerie:** OMG OMG OMG! lol, I love using OMG too Here's more, only for your pleasure. Thanks!  
**10.sarah**: LOL, weird in a good way, eh? Thanks a bunch!  
**11. blacksmoon:** Thanks soooo much! Glad you like those lines, ehehe.  
**12. blacksmoon:** hello, again -wink- Happy to see I made you laugh! I mean, Lupin made you laugh, LOL James is happy... for now... ehehe. Update is here! Thanks, one more time.  
**13. MaraudahLily**: Of course you can quote a part from the story! I love when I see my readers like some particular part from the fic. I'm grinning like crazy now, hehe, thanks so much! Poor confuzzled Remus indeed._

_Annnnnnd. That's done. Now I'll leave you to read in peace, without me getting in way, haha. Cookies and butterbeer for everyone who leaves a review! The more I get, the more I write. See ya, loves!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by _Milka-Weasley_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 3 – Potter and Evans**

**-Clementine Helps-**

Later that day, James found himself wandering around the Hogwarts grounds, closely followed by Peter, who wasn't really something you would call "the happiest choice of company." James tried to figure out what had happened during the breakfast as he played the film backwards in his head.

Namely, Remus peeked into the Great Hall but refused to go inside. He excused himself saying he still had to finish his research in the Library. James didn't miss the fact Lupin's voice trembled as he was telling them that.

"Library my ass," laughed James loudly a few minutes after, as he and Peter sat for the Gryffindor table right next to Sirius, who had already been there. "He's probably off to a snog session with his destined wifey. Not that I can imagine Moony snogging, though..."

Sirius choked on his toast and quickly stood up, disappearing with a short "Later, Messrs."

"Why, isn't that great, Pete?" grumbled James as he kicked a clod of mud, "both of them are now somewhere with their precious new ladies, enjoying their freaking holy matrimonies, while you and me are stuck with each other, completely forgotten and abandone... _Peter_?"

James turned around only to realize Peter was no longer tagging behind him.

Instead, he saw him a few meters away, talking to a short blonde and slightly chubby girl, who looked sort of dumb as she tittered at something Peter had said.

James stared in disbelief.

"Peter – and a girl – what – when did that – how come – _Peter Pettigrew_? You have got to be kidding me... My eyes are betraying me, I know they are..."

James took off his glasses, elaborately rubbed them off his robes and put them back on.

To James Potter's astonishment, the sight was still the same.

"First Moony, then Padfoot, now Wormtail... Well that's just not fair.. Not bloody fair at all..."

Peter stopped talking as he noticed James gaping at the girl and him. He grinned significantly, waving and yelling: "Don't worry, James, I'll be just fine!"

The girl giggled stupidly.

"I'm sure you will..." he responded, all of the sudden feeling completely left out and even lonelier than before.

"Heck," James thought darkly, "I must be very desperate when even Peter's silent and boring companionship doesn't seem too bad now..."

Sighing, he lethargically glanced towards the lake.

It seemed as though more than a whole half of the Hogwarts students were outside, chatting and enjoying one of the last sunny days of this year.

That didn't bother James too much. The fact everyone seemed to be paired bugged the hell out of him.

He saw a couple of years younger Frank Longbottom, walking side by side with a beautiful Hufflepuff girl Alice Fiennes, appearing to be extremely happy. Why wouldn't he be, after all? A lot of guys from school would sell their wands and brooms to be on Frank's place just for a minute – she was that gorgeous.

Not far away, a freckled brown haired Ravenclaw girl gave a Slytherin boy quick peck on the cheek. The boy gave his best to camouflage his puzzlement, but it was obvious he was unprepared for that sudden burst of tenderness.

"Couples... Everywhere I look – couples..."

James felt his ego shrinking and getting smaller and smaller with every passing second. It seriously threatened to become invisible, when he unexpectedly spotted two girls in nearby, who he recognized as Lily's close friends.

"_Hallelujah_!"

James's heart started beating faster and a smile played on his face as he rushed to join them.

"Ignis, Spacey, hi, how are you today?" he said more politely than he would usually sound.

Flora Ignis, a blonde seventh year Slytherin, frowned, not trying to suppress her peevishness. On the other hand, Clementine Spacey, James's classmate, smiled at him.

"Fine and yourself?"

"I'm lonesome, thanks for asking,"

Flora rolled her cold green eyes. "What d'you want from us, Potter? To pity you?"

"Now that you've mentioned, I wouldn't have anything against it. Maybe next time, though. Right now, all I need is help. Has any of you two seen Evans today?"

"No."

"Yes."

"Clementine Spacey!"

"What?"

"So, I take it you know where she is. Don't worry, Ignis, I'll bugger off as soon as you share that information with me."

"You do know she's got boyfriend, don't you?" asked Clementine slowly.

"Seems to me you weren't paying attention. I'm not asking for her boyfriend," James played innocent. "I'm looking for the better half...".

"Common room's the answer," said Flora quickly. "Bye!"

"Nice one. Already looked there. As well as Great Hall and Library. No sign of her."

"Well..." Clementine narrowed her eyebrows, thinking. "There is something Lily calls her own runaway place, though..."

Flora shot her a warning look.

"_Don't_. You know very well she goes there only when she specifically needs to be alone. And this is one of those days. You know she didn't even want to speak with us! _Alone_, Potter," she fixed James's brown eyes with hers. "means _without_ company."

"I'm perfectly aware of the meaning of that word, as you can see" James retorted, feeling his tolerance for that Slytherin girl wouldn't last for much longer. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, it's not like I'm gonna go there and perform Unforgivable Curses on her! I've never actually mastered _Crucio, _to be quite honest. That was a joke, you two."

"Ha ha." said Flora sarcastically.

"Come on, Spacey," begged James, completely ignoring Flora's comment. "show me some Gryffindor alliance! Help your friend in need and I promise I'll do the same for you!"

Clementine couldn't resist his pleading look.

"Alright, alright... Don't expect me to be a hundred percent sure on this one, but the only place Lily could be at the moment is, I think... the Owlery."

Flora sighed. "Those Gryffindors and their eternally wrong friendship principles..."

James brightened, spontaneously hugging Spacey. Ignis rolled her eyes.

"Oh my darling Clementine, thank you so much! I won't forget you this!"

"Sure you won't, Potter. But you shouldn't forget about my part of the deal, too." she reminded him, laughing.

"No problem!" James's new gained self confidence allowed him to feel generous, "How may I help you?"

"Next time you see your dorm-mate Clark Bradley," she said, smirking, "do tell him to stop acting like a childish and immature toddler. After all, we are husband and wife now."

James sneered. "Consider it done."

He energetically turned on his heals, nearly running to the Hogwarts entrance. Owlery wasn't the nearest part of the school and he wanted to be there as soon as possible.

**-Lily's Runaway Place-**

"Who ever... ever... made these... tormenting... gadgets," panted James, "must've been either... really... bored or really... evil!"

Despite the fact he was already tired of the constant rapid climbing, James didn't want to stop to take a breath.

He skipped every other step, encouraging himself to continue.

"Ahhhh... Just a little bit more and you're there..."

Finally, as he was only a pace away from entering the Owlery chamber, James allowed himself to slow down.

He didn't want to burst in, scare Lily to death and cause her to fall down the tower. No, he _certainly_ didn't want to do that.

The door of the Owlery wasn't entirely closed. He cautiously drew nearer, pushing it gently forward as silently as possible. His spirits rose as he saw a figure of a girl just a few steps ahead.

She wasn't aware of his presence.

James froze for a moment, getting overrun by the beauty of the sight she created.

The setting sun was sending scarlet rays up the Owlery, causing Lily's red hair to shine irresistibly. She was slightly bent over one of the glassless windows, looking somewhere far away, appearing to be deeply lost in thoughts.

James was capable of standing there and watching her mutely for hours. Alas, the scripts of life had something else in plan.

An owl hooted loudly from one of the rafters, spread her wings and flew out of the Owlery tower right above Lily's head.

She startled and turned around, noticing James for the first time.

"You..." she said hoarsely, "What are you – how long have you been standing there?"

"Enough to enjoy every second of it." James teasingly said.

Lily closed her eyes, breathing.

"Potter..."

"Evans?"

"I... I need to go, before I..." she said insecurely, backing off the window. "Move away from the door."

"But I thought..."

Lily cut him off.

"I don't care what you thought, don't you understand?" she snapped. "Just move aside and let me go!"

"No, Evans..." James silently, but crisply said. "Don't run away now when..."

"Okay, I won't." she said, as her eyes flamed and voice started to vibrate. "Because I'm curious to know, Potter."

"Know what?"

"What did you have to do for it to work? Chores? Promise you won't do any more stupidity with Black? Swear that it all has a higher purpose? Dumbledore's always been just, I really don't get it how you made him do it..."

"I don't get it, Evans." James honestly said. "I have no idea what you're talking about..."

Lily let an annoyed ironical laugh. "And I really started to think you weren't that bad, Potter. I started to consider you a... friend, maybe? Got used to your regular asking out, because it wasn't anything... threatening... till now. Oh Potter, I didn't know you could fall this low..."

"Will you stop with that and finally tell me what the heck you're talking about?"

"I'm not stupid, despite your beliefs!" spat Lily. "I heard McGonagall asking you if you talked to Dumbledore yesterday after the whole notes in class thing... and what happens! Only a few hours after you talking about marriage and kids and what not, Lily freakin' naïve Evans is happily married to James the innocent Potter! Wow, what a coincidence!"

James's knee tottered. "You don't seriously believe I had anything to do with it?"

"No, I'm just joking." responded Lily sarcastically.

He could feel the anger for being unfairly accused racing through his body.

"You once told me I was big-headed and vain," he said hotly, "but this has gone far over my range! I didn't do anything with those parchments, believe it or not! It's destiny! The magic, Evans. The way it should be. You might like it and you might hate it, but even fate knows we're right for each other."

"Fate, ha?" Lily sneered. "What if I don't believe in fate? What if I believe in only what I see?"

"Purebloods would never doubt it." James said , before managing to hold himself.

"That's... that's..." Lily began, as her voice trembled worse than ever.

"I'm so sorry, Evans" apologized James sincerely, in shock of what he'd just said. "I didn't mean it, I really didn't mean it! You know I didn't. Oh, I'm so dense sometimes, sorry..."

"No, maybe you're right..." Lily said quietly, her eyes getting blurry and red. "He said it too.. He said that if I didn't believe the parchment, I must be really prosaic... He said that bloody pureblood Bellatrix bastard is his destiny if _Matrimonium Alveum_ said so... He actually... He..."

She muted, as a tear strolled down her face.

"You must think I'm pathetic... crying over a boy..."

James approached her slowly. "I don't. I think it's pathetic to cry over a Ravenclaw, especially when we beat the hell out of them on the last Quidditch match."

Lily felt a faint smile on her face, as she wiped the tear off her cheek. "You shouldn't make me smile... I'm supposed to be mad at you... You're Potter... and I'm Evans..."

"Care to know what I think? Probably not, but I'll tell you. I think you weren't mad at me... I think you were mad at him. Rodolphus Lestrange. I was just here at the wrong place at the wrong time."

She looked at James, who was now much closer to her than he had been minutes ago. She didn't know what to say. Maybe he was right, after all. Maybe she was angry because of Rodolphus breaking up with her. Maybe because of that, she refused to believe in the truth of the _Matrimonium Alveum_.

"What... what made you come up here, anyway?" Lily asked, trying to change the subject. "Nobody comes to Owlery on a beautiful day like this..."

"I better don't say it, it's not like enough bad words were spoken by both of us today... You'll just get annoyed again and I'll probably get stained by owl poop all over..."

Lily looked James with her green eyes, still shiny of tears that had been welding up all day.

"Try me."

James swallowed a dumpling.

"My destined wife. You made me come up here." he whispered and then closed one eye, frowning. "Are you going to hit me now?"

Lily grinned. "I'm not that violent, Potter. No matter what other boys might say, I swear I didn't touch them at all! Those bruises were there before me, honestly!"

James chuckled at this.

"So... does this mean... you are okay... with the fact we are..." he tried to say it, but still felt slightly intimidated by Lily's possible reaction.

"Married?" Lily said out loud, trying to swallow the fact. "Not yet, but I will be. I will be, _James_."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Soooo... whaddaya think? Tell me, whatever it is. OMG OMG OMG. Hope you liked! -smile-_


	4. Desperate Measures

**The thing called disclaimer: **_Rowling is our queen, she doesn't let a Quaffle in, Rowling is our queen! Not that I see why she would let a Quaffle in, though, but... hey... this is freedom in writing. You can write whatever you wanna as long as you enjoy it! –grin-_

**Author's Notes: **_Holy Cricket! I did get reviews, oh my lord, thank you so much! –is the happiest mofo ever-_

_As we had Lily/James in the last bit, this chapter is entirely about Remus/Sirius. All of you who aren't too happy with the fact they're married in a game, I'm sorry, what can I say? Don't read? LOL, well, I promise there is nothing yukky in here. Just some teenage craziness and humor for your pleasure. They won't be in the spotlight as much as Lily and James are going to be, but they deserve at least one (or two) chappies about them don't they? –wink-_

_The chapter is, however, dedicated to my lovely friend blacksmoon, who adores Remus/Sirius as much as I do. (and therefore, I expect the longest review from you, girl, muahahaha)_

_Okay. Onto the individual responds, shall we?_

_**1. Shelbykins**: Thanks for thinking it's the funniest thing ever! Yay!  
**2. PrincessSkywalkerOrgana: **Hehe, yes, James –hopefully- will support Remus, LOL. Thanks!  
**3. Bhekie: **Thanks!  
**4. bittersweet16: **Of course I will, gracias!  
**5. the-girl-named-kittie: **Oh, a fellow R/S lover! Yay! So incredibly happy to see my fic made you feel better. This chapter is filled with Remus/Sirius, so I am taking you'll like it! Muchas gracias, senorita!  
**6. jellyjulie:** I'm glad you enjoyed the Lily/James parts! You're not much of a slash person? Aww. But you said you'll bear with me, LOL. Good thing is, the fic will mostly be about Lily and James, so... anyways, thanks!  
**7. Tanya**: Hmmm, you may have mentioned you loved L/J, lol. Yep, Lily was with Rodolphus, no matter how terrible it may sound. Thank you!  
**8. Nick: **Thank you so much! But what didn't you understand? Please, tell me, so I can try and make it clearer for you, okay? –smile-  
**9. Phaerie:** Yeah, she dated Lestrange, how wrong, no? LOL. Who can resist those puppy eyes? Here's more, enjoy!  
**10. sarah**: Yep, they really think it's a big deal because the destiny chose them to be married, even though it is fake. Thank you!  
**11. blacksmoon:** Yay for laughing! Glad you love. This chappie's yours, dear!  
**12. rebellious-socks: **Thanks, twice, LOL. And you are welcome for the question about ratings answered. Really happy to be of some help! –wink-  
**13. mad eye meli: **Hahaha, okay, thank you! Glad you like both R/S and L/J!  
**14.The all mighty and powerfulM**: Yep, she called him James. Hehehe, thanks!  
**15. Carina**: It's ok you didn't log in, I know who you are. –smile- Yay for cuteness! Moony loff in this chappie, enjoy!  
**16. GranolaGirl:** Thank you!  
**17. Snuffles is Loony for Moony**: Whoa, you reviewed all three chapters! Thank you! So happy to hear you love this story, yay! BTW, your nickname rules.  
**18. XXX**: Oh, blimey, you are right! I simply didn't noticed I kept writing holy with two l's. Thanks for reminding me! I shall fix it all as soon as possible! Thanks for liking the story, too!  
**19. Desdamona**: Yeah, it probably is, but I liked Matrimonium Alveum as well. Maybe I'll switch it to 'sanctum' and maybe not. Thanks for the tip, though!  
**20. hbp02**: LOL, yeah, Lupin and Sirius forever indeed. Thanks!_

_If I forgot anyone, I deeply apologize. I tried my best to respond to all of you! The rules are the same this time, too. Reviews mean continuation. Adios now and enjoy the story!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by _Milka-Weasley_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 4 – Desperate Measures**

Sirius Black stormed by the old shelves in the Hogwarts Library, looking right and left, stubbornly searching for Remus Lupin.

Sirius couldn't understand how it was so difficult to find him, when there weren't many people inside the Library at all.

As he was passing by one of the windows, he looked through it down to the Hogwarts grounds. Everyone seemed to be outside on a beautiful day like this. He also knew he would be one of those 'everyone' too, if he didn't need to... _well_... sort out some things.

Sirius moved away from a window, finally catching the sight of his friend, sitting for one of the tables with his head buried in a thick, dusty and ancient looking book.

Black noiselessly breathed in and out a few times, just in case.

"I'm not nervous..." he muttered in his chin, even though he wasn't exactly relaxed either. "All will be fine. I mean, sure it will. It's just good ol' Remmy, that's all."

Sirius put on his regular mischievous grin and crawled to Remus Lupin's back.

"Gotcha!" he whispered in Lupin's ear, grabbing his shoulders in order to scare him.

He succeeded. Remus was completely startled.

Lupin confusedly turned around to check who his tormenter was, met the grinning image of Sirius Black and then haggardly faced his book again.

"S- Si- Siri..." he stammered.

"That's it, Moony," teased Sirius, sitting down right next to him. "you're just two letters away. Don't give up."

"_Sirius_!" Lupin finally said it, giving his best to hide the nervousness that had started to pile up.

Remus's brain kept playing the same sentence over and over again inside his head: "_Calmdowncalmdowncalmdowncalmdown_". After all, Sirius and him were still friends, right?... Marauders... buddies... mates... isn't that right? No stupid game should spoil their friendship, isn't that correct?

"_Correct_." said Lupin's highly insecure inner voice.

"Do you... do you have a fever or something?" Remus spoke as he slowly started to pull himself together. "It's Saturday, beautiful and unusually warm day for this time of year... and you're inside. You must be ill. Go to Hospital Wing and ask Madam Pomfrey to check you."

"I'm not sick. Well, not sick in a way you're suggesting..." retorted Sirius in his usual tone, "anyhow, you must know I'm more fond of night than daytime. Still, it's good to hear somebody cares."

"Riiight..."

"And besides," added Sirius, as though this was something completely unimportant. "I wanted to find you and I knew you would be here."

"Find me?" Remus repeated, staring blankly at the book that lied open in front of him.

Black's face suddenly became more serious.

"Yes, you. We need to sort some things out as soon as possible. The sooner, the better."

_Gulp._

"Do we have to do it now? I'm quite busy, you see, this book is very large and long and I ought to read it by Monday..." rambled Lupin, but Sirius was unshakable.

"I'm afraid we have to."

Remus sighed.

"Alright... What... what is it... er... about?"

Sirius cleared his throat. He struggled hard not to change his false rigid look on his face.

"Some rules need to be established," he continued, "for example, on the first place – _I do not do dishes_. No matter what you say or how many hexes you intend to use on me, I will not clean the dirty dishes and that's final. But, I _am_ willing to sacrifice myself and take out the trash every morning, as well as change my socks every day. Okay, maybe not every day, but every _other_ day. I think that's fair. Do you think it's fair, Moony? I think it is."

"Do I think it's... _Did you say dishes_?" Remus elevated his eyebrows, frowning. "and ... trash? And... changing _socks_?"

"I know it's almost unbelievable, but desperate marriages call for desperate measures."

Remus laughed fussily.

"How funny... For a nanosecond, I thought you said _marriage_ there... Haha, silly, silly me... I should probably get my ears inspected. Ever since the last full moon, I seem to be hearing things..."

Sirius blinked.

"But I _did_ say marriage."

Remus's cheeks got flushed with redness.

"Oh."

Sirius finally got rid of his stern look and let his amused chuckle take over.

"Oh, come on, Moony, it isn't that bad! Think of it as a _game_! I mean, it's clearly we are meant for each other," he stopped for a moment only to sadistically enjoy the terrified wince of his friend, "but still... Don't be so down in dumps because of it... Makes me feel... _unwanted_."

Remus inhaled loudly.

"I'd rather say it should make you feel awkward..."

"But, why? We love each other, don't we?" Sirius said. "Dare to look me straight in the eyes and tell me you don't love me?"

Remus didn't respond.

"Thought so."

"I just don't realize how you can be acting as though everything's so... _normal_." Remus finally said what had been on his mind for the past twenty hours.

"Course I can! What's so unusual about being gay?" asked Sirius loudly, as though he was talking to somebody on the other part of the Library.

Remus instantly grew pale.

"Keep it quiet!" he hissed.

"Why?" Sirius asked naively. "You're worried somebody might find out about our..._gayness_?"

"Stop saying that word!"

"Which one? Gay or gayness?"

"Both!"

"But aren't you _gay_ on a day like this?" Sirius pretended to be shocked, "Honestly, Moony, that's disappointing. I thought you'd understand. The winter is nearing, so we should be enjoying the last warm days of autumn."

"You _know_ what I mean." mumbled Remus.

"Oh, you meant like... oh, _I see_." Sirius went on with playing his part of a confused and innocent boy. "Well, that's just naughty of you, Remus John Lupin! Shame on you. Like I'd be talking about GAYNESS in that sort of... _homosexual _kinda way."

"Shhhhhhh!" Madam Pince's gloomy face appeared between the shelves. "You boys keep it down or I shall expel you from the Library! Respect the silence readers need."

"But, Madam Pince, we're the only ones left in here." stated Sirius.

"That's not the point!" she scowled, raising her own voice. "Libraries are meant to be peaceful and silent!"

"With all due respect, Madam" Sirius couldn't resist not to say anything. "_you_ are the one that's shouting now."

"Oh, no..." muttered Remus in his chin, as Madam Pince starting to shake with anger. She pointed fingers at them, yelling:

"Both – of – you – violating – delinquents - out – of – my – library – NOW!"

They didn't need to be told twice. Sirius jumped off the chair, grabbed Remus by his sleeve and they ran from the Library as quickly as they could.

"That was fun!" Sirius laughed when they reached the hall. "We have to do that again sometime!"

Remus looked straight in front of himself, fighting with his inner demons, refusing to say anything.

"Ah, to hell with it, Moony!" Sirius exclaimed and blocked Lupin's way, forcing him to stop avoiding his glance. "You'll finish with being such a worry-worry and you'll do it right now. I didn't asked to be married to a guy either! I mean, I really hoped my destined one would be somebody with silky blonde hair, long fine legs and full lips... but what happened, happened. We can't do anything about it now, so we'll just play along and enjoy ourselves! It's not like we're going to snog senselessly from dusk till dawn, isn't it?"

"I s'pose you're right, Padfoot."

Remus, quite unwillingly, had to agree. No matter how much he didn't want to admit it, Sirius's reaction to all of this marriage chaos really made him feel much better.

"It's one of those extremely rare times when you are being... more... mature than me, I guess. Honestly, I didn't think it could happen at all..."

"Bow before my maturity," Sirius said humbly. "or, you know, not. Now, whaddaya say we go to Kitchen and snag a couple of butterbeers to celebrate our marriage? It's the least we can do."

Remus's conscious wanted to scream "_That is rule breaking and I am everything but a rule-breaker, so how about we say no to stealing butterbeers!_", but in the glory of Sirius's recently held speech about Remus worrying too much, he decided to ignore his righteous inner voice.

He shrugged, smiling.

"Well, why not?"

"Fantastic," Sirius grinned shiftily. "oh man, I'm telling ya, this is gonna be better than any other possible honey-moons. I'm quite sure you will agree with me on this one, my bride."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_That was that. Liked it or not, I wish to hear what you think. Smell ya later!_


	5. The Next Level

**Not this disclaimerish thing AGAIN: **_Alright, alrgiht. JKR, do hire a hitman to murder me if I say I made up Lily, James, Sirius, Remus and Peter._

**Author's Notes: **_Here I am again, ready to torture you, haha. Not really. I am so happy you're liking this fic – both the het and slashy side of it. (even though the slash part is more of a humorous story) In this chappie you can expect to see Marauders craziness, NEXT LEVEL OF THE HOLY MATRIMONY GAME and a Lily/James part. The J/L part was inspired by one of blacksmoon's ideas. So I thank her muchly. Anyways, I really hope you will like it. And even if you don't – TELL ME. Suggestions, questions, thoughts – put everything in your review. Okay? Thankses in advance._

_Oh, and a question for you all – what do you think the rating of this fic is so far? Just want to check... Some fics get deleted because they aren't rated correctly... Eeeek. Scary, scary, scarrrrry thought._

_Individual responses:_

_**1. HermioneLuna: **Thank you! I'm glad you think you could read my fic till the end. Oh and to re-assure you, the question McGonagall asked was only because of the coincidence, nothing more.  
**2. PrincessSkywalkerOrgana: **Muy happy that you like Sirius. Grazie.  
**3. Bhekie: **LOL, glad you liked my little word game. (gay & happy relation) Thanks!**  
4. bigsmileygirl-3: **Ehehehe, nice to hear that. James and Lily won't be lovers so quickly, just like you said. Glad you put this story in your faves, yay!  
**5. the-girl-named-kittie: **Your reviews make me so happy because you really like Remus/Sirius! And thanks for thinking they're all in character. Ah, it's too early for a cute little kiss... Stay tuned, it'll come eventually. –wink-  
**6. jellyjulie:** Yep, they're happy. Some Lily/James-ness in 'ere.  
**7. Tanya**: Glad you think they're funny. Yep, a bit of Lily in this chap, enjoy.  
**8. Nick: **LOL. Moral of the story is – do not skip words, haha.Everything will be clearer then. Yay! Happy to hear you thought it was funy.  
**9. Phaerie: **Ahahahaha. Maybe they should, but they won't be doing it... yet... ehehe. Muchas gracias for the compliments!  
**10. sarah**: Yay for loving and thinking it funny. Update's here, obviously, hehe.  
**11. blacksmoon:** Long review, woohoo! Just what I asked from you, LOL. I am so frickin' glad you laughed like insane while reading chappie number 4. It means a lot to me and you know it. Thanks.  
**12. rebellious-socks: **Awww, I hope your hatred for slash doesn't make you give up on the story. I'll try to put a warning before every slash chappie, but sometimes, you know, it'll be jumbled with Lily/James too... I'm extremely happy to see you're liking the fic even though you don't like slash. Great compliment for me!  
**13. James' Grl: **In some parts it will be slashy, I imagine, yes.  
**14. Lady-Elizabeth4242**: That is a nice idea and I'll try to stick to it... as much as I can. Glad you like R/S, though... still, I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to alternate the chappies all the time. Will try, thanks for the tip.  
**15. Carina**: Who doesn't love Lupin? –wink-  
**16. MaraudahLily: **It's okay you couldn't review the 3rd chapter. I know, I don't have too much time either. Thanks for liking!  
**17. Snuffles is Loony for Moony**: LOL, sorry to disappoint you, but you were the second to review, hehe. Here's more. I'm real glad you enjoyed the Remus/Sirius part, weee!  
**18. charlotte: **THANKS.  
**19. Gold Silk: **Oh, my, you are making me blush like mad! How funny that you've been looking for het and found a het/slash fic, haha. I know that Lily dating Lestrange was weird, but my point was only to show that not all the Deatheaters have to be from Slytherin... that's why I put him in Ravenclaw. Anyways, I'll try to stick to both het (J/L) and slash (R/S)! Thank you!  
**20. PRONGSRIDESAGAIN: **Tell me about it! I'm supposed to be studying now, and instead, what am I doing? Updating, lol. Fics are so irresistible, no? No matter if you write or read, they just seem so important. LOL. I'm so glad you love the fic! Hahah, I know what you mean. One big happy family, indeed. Thank you a bunch!  
**21. Dortha**: Yay, a fellow COS-er! Thanks for thinking Sirius and Remus are funny, that's exactly what I was going for. Glad you like it!_

_Okaaaaaaaay. That's all for individual responses, I think. Shall I continue the fic now? I think so. Enjoy!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by _Milka-Weasley_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 5 - The Next Level**

"That was one very very boring class, I'm telling you. Like I am ever going to need a _Relaxing Draught_ in my life. I know perfectly well how to stay cool, thank you very much," yawned Sirius, as the boys and him were leaving the Hogwarts dungeons on late Monday evening.

"When weren't the Potions boring, anyways?" retorted James lazily, "No, Moony, don't answer that one."

Remus frowned slightly. "I wasn't even going to..."

"It seemed to me you were having pretty good time, though, Prongs," stated Sirius, grinning mischievously. "Couldn't take your eyes off Evans, could you?"

"Mind your own business," responded James, not even trying to suppress the amused chuckle that appeared on his face. "but, now that you've mentioned it, her hair did smell like jasmine and wild rose, mixed with fresh spring breeze..."

Sirius gaped in shock.

"Somebody stop him!" he yelled, and a few girls who were going behind them jumped startling. "My friend's gone mad and talking like a medieval renaissance poet! Somebody, please, hex him!"

"I'm just saying her hair smelled nice, that's all."

But Sirius was still staring incredulously.

"You could actually smell the scent of her hair, even though Snivellus was sitting near us? I, my friend, couldn't even breathe, not to mention feel anything else, because of his... you know... _intoxicating aroma_."

James snickered.

"Ah, Sirius, one day when you fall in love, no Snivelluses will be enough to stop you from feeling or sensing anything that is connected to your chosen one."

Remus tried to be invisible and was very good at that, because James didn't notice him wincing at the phrase "_chosen one_".

"By the way, mates, have I mentioned Lily and I have been doing pretty well so far? Since Saturday, that is. Two and a half whole days. True, we didn't even see each other yesterday... and she only smiled at me today, but hey, it's something too! Before, she would simply pass near me, ignore me, tell me to disappear, fly off to smooch her disgusting Lestrange boyfriend or... _Are you sure I haven't already told you this_?"

"No. Never heard it before," said Remus.

"Yeah, please continue, so amusing." Sirius rolled his eyes.

Peter objected.

"But... you guys... he did tell us already! You told us at least – er – two times today, James, I think!"

"Peter," Sirius said patiently, "when you grow up, you will surely begin to realize the true meanings of words like sarcasm, irony or mocking."

"But, but," stuttered poor Peter, "I already know what they mea..."

"Here it is again," sighed Sirius, closing his eyes for a second, "I give up. Do you simply have to be so thick sometimes, Wormtail, or are you doing it specifically to tick me off?"

Peter blinked.

"There, there, Padfoot," laughed James, who seemed to be in a great mood the whole day, "everything is going to be just fine. Don't forget to breathe. You sure you don't want any of that _Relaxing Draught_ now? I think I've got some of it left in my bag, I can give you if you w-"

"No," glared Sirius, cutting James off, "I'm perfectly calm this way too. Thank you, Prongs."

"Just checking. So, Sirius, Remus, when can I meet your wives? I've already seen Peter's..." he said it and twitched, before continuing to speak, "and you know who mine is. I can always remind you if you forgot. No? Well, then, seems kinda unfair you two are being so mysterious, while I've opened myself completely. So, when?"

Remus and Sirius exchanged glances.

"Um..." began Sirius.

"Soon." Remus cut off.

"How soon?"

"Very soon." added Sirius.

Remus swallowed hard, but managed to nod. "Yeah, that soon."

"Okay..." James said suspiciously. "Can I at least see your parchment with the names, then?"

"We certainly don't have them here!" said Remus quickly.

"I do," admitted Sirius. Remus gave him a terrified look. "well, what can I do, it got stuck in my pocket, what's the big deal?"

"I have to see!" demanded James.

"No!" cried Remus.

"Why not?" James frowned, "Friends share everything, don't they?"

"Yeah, but..."

"_Accio Sirius's parchment_!"

Remus watched in horror as the piece of parchment with his name on it was flying to James's hands. "_Oh elf's crap_," was his only thought at the moment.

James thirstily read it.

"You... are... _kidding_... me, right?" he said, confusedly.

Remus was beyond mute. Sirius wasn't very talkative either.

"Lemme see!" exclaimed Peter.

"_Ay Caramba!_ is your... wife, Padfoot?"

All of them stared at each other for a few seconds, completely puzzled, when Remus hit himself over the forehead and began to laugh like a maniac.

"It'd be nice if you'd fill us in, Moony." Sirius said, still goggling blankly.

"He's brilliant, he really is!" Remus managed to say through laughing, "Don't you get it? Dumbledore must've put some sort of spell on the parchments so that nobody could read them, except..."

"...the ones who should read them..." finished Sirius the thought, as he realized what Lupin was talking about. "I have to say, that is truly brilliant. Way to go, old man!"

"I think it's cruel," James sulked, grumbling. "he should be forbidden of doing anything like this, it's not like he's a professor any more, he's only a Headmaster..."

"There, there, Prongs, you'll get over it."

Continuing their little regular quipping, the boys went straight to the Great Hall to have dinner, and shortly after finishing their meals, decided that they all felt too exhausted to do anything else except go to dormitories and have a good night's sleep.

The Marauders waddled off to the Gryffindor Common Room, stopping in front of the portrait. The Fat Lady greeted them.

"Password?"

"_Amor in aere_," said Remus, who always remembered the passwords.

"It truly is," the Fat lady smiled jubilantly, letting them through.

"What is?" asked Sirius who didn't know Latin at all.

"Basically... love is in the air," explained Remus quietly, as they climbed through the portrait hole.

The entire Common Room seemed to be filled with excitement for some reason. There were numerous nervous and shy glances all over the room, lots of muffled chattering from the male and giggling from the female side. Nobody, however, seemed calm.

"What's going on here?" James wanted to know, "Some sort of scandal or something? Slytherin chambers got set on fire, maybe?"

"That wouldn't be bad, but unfortunately, it didn't happen," Frank Longobottom grinned widely, nearing the Marauders to explain them what happened. "Actually, the marriages are being taken to the next level, it seems, you'll love it! Everybody does."

"What d'you mean?"

"Go to the dorms upstairs. You'll find a pleasant surprise. I don't wanna spoil it for you." Frank winked and left to join some of his classmates.

Sirius nudged James with an elbow, but he only shrugged. "Have no idea, Pads. Let's see then."

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter climbed the stairs, but, instead of the familiar door that led to their dormitory, a massive scarlet board with lots of little mailboxes attached to it waited for them.

Every single box had a name on it. The four of them approached the boxes with their names, opening them and finding letters inside.

James was the first one to rip off the envelope.

"_Mr. Potter_," he read out loud, "_since you are one of the participants of the game 'Matrimonium Alveum' you are to be informed you will not be sleeping at these dormitories any longer. Instead, you will find yourself transferred to a much more comfortable room for both you and your destined wife. It is settled on the fourth floor, left from the statue of _**_Paracelsus_**_. Don't forget to read the password at the end of the letter, tap the statue... and... enjoy!_"

"Bloody hell.." mumbled James, quite pleasantly surprised, just like Frank had told him he would be. "I am really beginning to think that playing this game was the best thing that ever happened to me... right after making the Marauder's Map."

* * *

**First Night Together**

Lily Evans made her way up and down the halls, trying to find the new dormitory that had been chosen for the _Holy Matrimony_ game.

She could feel tingling goosebumps going up and down her spine, but couldn't really tell if they were positive or negative ones. All Lily knew was she felt tense. Her thoughts were one big mess. Nothing more, nothing less – just a strange big chaos inside her head.

Lily didn't know where exactly the statue of Paracelsus had been, but she decided to turn right on the fourth floor. It was the right thing to do, because she finally spotted the stone statue of **Paracelsus**, an alchemical genius from the fifteenth century.

Lily slowly approached it as though it was about to blow up, studying it carefully.

"_Maritus et uxor_," she whispered, tapping Paracelsus on his head with her wand.

The lock, left from the statue, immediately clicked and the door opened.

Lily entered a simple and darkened, but pretty cozy looking room. From what she could tell on a first glace, the bedroom had one window, two rustic night-tables, a nice big wooden closet and...

"_One bed_!" she exclaimed in shock.

"Trust me," came a voice from the depths of the room, "it's way more comfy than it looks. Also, there's a lot of space in it. Hop on!"

Lily peered in the semi dark, blinking.

"Is that you, James?"

"No, it's my dead aunt Noel."

"Then tell your aunt to move her dead ass from the bed because I'm bloody exhausted," demanded Lily, her arms akimbo.

"So is she," responded James in an amused tone. "Come lay beside her, she won't bite your ears. She swears."

"Dead people have tendency to be freaky," retorted Lily, "and I'm not sure if I can trust them."

"Lily..." begged James.

"_Noel..._" said Lily stonily.

"I won't try to... you know," James assured her quietly, "_do_ anything to you... if that is the reason you don't want to... share the bed with me."

She took a deep breath, thinking what to say.

"The fact I've started calling you by your first name... James," began Lily, trying not to sound too harsh, "still doesn't mean I can... how to put it... fully... believe you... yet. I hope you can understand."

James didn't respond anything. He was quiet for a few moments, then he silently slid off the bed, took one blanket and one pillow with him. He put them on the floor near the night table and lay down.

Lily went near the bed and aimed her wand at her body, muttering: "_Inclino_." Her robes were momentarily gone and she changed into her silky light blue sleeping gown.

She climbed the bed and got under the blankets, sighing tiredly.

"You were right," she whispered, "it is comfy and soft indeed."

"How nice of you to remind me." replied a muffled voice somewhere beneath her. "This floor is, quite the opposite, really rigid and rocky and I think I'm going to have lumbago in the morning."

"James?"

"No need to thank me," he said quickly, "it's ok. I do this gentleman sacrificing stuff from time to time. "

"I'm sure you do... but I wanted to tell you something else before I fell asleep."

"Yes?"

"Noel is a male name."

"Ah. And to think I've always wondered why my aunt had deep voice and moustache. That explains everything."

"Probably," smiled Lily on her pillow, before closing her eyes. "Good night, James."

"Good night, Lily. Sweet dreams."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_So much from me for today. Review and I shall love you all to death and back. Ehehehe._


	6. The Awakenings

**D-i-s-c-l-a-i-m-e-r:** _Joanne, you rock. That is all. P.S. Can't wait for 16th of July, omg!_

**Author's Notes: **_-phew- Finally an update, yay! It contains the awakenings of Lily and James and Sirius and Remus. Guys who don't like R/S – don't worry, still nothing extremely slashy, so you can freely read it. Guys who love R/S – sorry no real action yet, but James and Lily don't really have it either. Love comes slowly, so be patient. –wink- The important thing is they're married, hehe. Everything else will fit in its place eventually._

♥ ♥ ♥ _Mucho muchu muuuuucho thanks to the following people who read and reviewed the last chappie_:** _The all mighty and powerfulM, Tanya, Snuffles is Loony for Moony, Phaerie, Carina, Bhekie, Dortha, Demonsblade, xRazberryGurlx, rebellious socks, jellyjulie, blacksmoon, Cindy, Ashley Pups, Nick, GBBY, jedily, xXxShellyxXx, Noodan, PrincessSkywalkerOrgana, beyonce-85, uh..i'm me, siriusella, bigsmileygirl-3, Lissa._ **♥ ♥ ♥

_Got any questions? Shoot 'em right away. I take comments, thoughts, EVERYTHING – just write a review, please. I love you all, folks! –mwah- Now... the continuation!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by _Milka-Weasley_

_

* * *

_

**Chapter 6 - The Awakenings  
**

"MERLIN, GANDALF AND BLOODY AGRIPPA! This is not happening!"

Those exact loud shrieks were more than enough to instantly wake up the snoring figure of James Potter.

He was in the state of mild shock for a few seconds while trying to remember why he wasn't in his regular boys dormitory; why his back hurt like the devil itself; why he had been lying on the cold floor all night and who on Earth was the neurotic that had mercilessly waken him up.

"Lily?" he blinked, recognizing the voice of his Hogwarts wife.

"Oh bugger," James heard her nervous mutter somewhere above his improvised bed, "crap, bugger, bugger, crap..."

It was rather obvious she had been annoyed by something.

He sat up and placed the glasses on his nose.

"What is going on? Have I just heard you cursing? More than once? Or did I maybe dream that? And why, in Quidditch's name, are you... eh... jumping around the room in your... pyjamas?"

Lily looked at him as though he said the most unreasonable thing ever, her green eyes going wide and flamed.

"Don't ask, just look at the bleeding weather!" she bellowed, "Look at your watch! Blend the bits of puzzle together. Doesn't it tell you anything? And besides, for your information James, these are not _pyjamas_, this is a _nightgown_."

He simply shrugged, yawning widely.

"I don't see any difference. Pyjamas and sleeping gowns are all the same to me... Except the gowns probably make you feel more tremulous and stream, I think..." he responded and lazily glanced towards the window of the dormitory.

The sight wasn't exactly pretty. The glum sky was coloured in all shades of gray, from the lightest grizzle colour to the darkest iron tone. It was raining as though it hadn't rained for century or two. "No, no," thought James, "It was _pouring_ rain."

The muddy Hogwarts grounds were soaked wet and he suddenly understood perfectly well why Lily had been so upset.

"Right... it's Tuesday... the Herbology class..." he mumbled wrinkling his wide forehead, "hmmm... fifteen minutes... under these weather circumstances... toughie..."

"Absolutely impossible, yes, I know," grumbled Lily morosely, obviously in one of her worse moods. James couldn't blame her. The weather was truly horrible and enough to make anyone feel dark and miserable. "Unless we can somehow swim to the greenhouses, I don't see the way out..."

"Hmmmmm..." muttered James, thinking fast, not really paying attention to Lily's whining.

"I mean... Now you definitely know why I am freaking out here," continued Lily with complaining, "instead of singing and hula dancing. We haven't even had a breakfast yet... Oh, darn it all! As for you, my _husband_, you could at least turn around so I can change myself, if anything..."

James immediately jumped off the floor and energetically opened the wings of the closet, placing his entire head inside.

"Er..." Lily said slowly, raising her light eyebrows, "I thought you could turn your head away, not hide your entire self in the cupboard..."

James didn't respond. He only peered inside of the closet, examining its interior. He sighed in relief as he realized that all of their clothes, school supplies and trunks were already there.

That meant his precious objects were in there, too.

James grinned to himself, while opening his trunk and getting a few things out of it which Lily couldn't see.

"What are you doi...?"

"Come on," James cut her off, smiling widely and squeezing something in his hands, "quickly now. Get your 'bology stuff, the class starts in twelve minutes. Professor Sprout is teaching the NEWT level lessons and I have a prediction you don't wanna miss them."

Lily watched him closely.

"Sure I don't wanna... That's what this has been all about in the first place!" responded Lily impatiently, "But you seem to be forgetting one little detail - the weather. Even you said it would be impossible to get to the greenhouses under these weather circumstances, so I can't see what you have in mind..."

"That's what _you_ said, remember?" James reminded her, "I never proclaimed it for impossible, only tough. But now that I've got a few handy things, it's more than doable. Let's go then!"

Lily sighed, on the edge of giving in. "Why do I have this strong feeling you aren't going to tell me what your plan is until we actually do it?"

James snickered.

"Four days of marriage and you already know me as well as Sirius, Remus and Peter do. To think the four of us have been friends since the first year! Impressive, Lily, very impressive. Five points to Gryffindor."

"Oh, shut up, Noel," responded Lily, giving her best to suppress the smile dancing in the corners of her lips, "And, please, turn around now. I'm still not dressed."

James would probably say something witty regarding the changing clothes subject, but seeing as they had only ten minutes left till the beginning of the lessons, he decided to do as told.

"By the way, who's the Gidnalf bloke you mentioned in your early morning shrieking? I at least have the rights to know who woke me up. Agrippa and Merlin will definitely pay me for that one, once they get in my hands. I don't think I've ever got a card of that Gidnalf chap from Chocolate Frogs and I've been convinced I've had 'em all..."

"It's Gandalf, not Gidnalf," said Lily, as she was putting on her skirt and robes, "No wonder you never got his card. He's not real."

"Huh?"

"Gandalf is a very powerful and good wizard from one of my most favourite Muggle books. Kinda like Dumbledore, if you ask me. He even has that long white beard and all."

"Ew," exclaimed James frowning, "Evans's got a crush on Dumbledore!"

"I'm offended," said Lily, pouting, "You've got it all wrong."

"I think I know perfectly well when my wife is cheating on me, thank you. That bloke with half moon glasses will have to deal with me, I swear."

"You're right, I do tend to fall for way older guys..." joked Lily, "Heck, I even fancy ancient and completely wrinkled men. There's something incredibly irresistible about them. The more furrows they have, the more I get turned on... But you've got that other thing wrong."

"What other thing?"

"Do I have to draw everything to you? The way you called me, James..." Lily responded playfully, "I'm not really... _Evans_... any more, am I?"

James's heart stopped for a second and he, as it rarely happened, stood speechless, gaping with his mouth open.

"Have... have... you... just suggested what I think you have? That you should be... called... instead of Evans... I mean... Lily _Pott_-?"

"Hurry up, James," chuckled Lily, not letting him finish what he was going to, quite amused by the flabbergasted look on James' face, "let's get that plan of yours going. I only hope it doesn't involve too much rule-breaking. But, as long as we get to the class on time, I'm willing to victimize..."

"Uh... right..." James said, feeling his heart beating normally again, but still feeling pleasant heat streaming through his body, "any possibility you know what this is?" he asked, holding out a silvery grey cloak.

Lily gaped in amazement. "It looks like... but it can't be... I mean, I have never seen one... can it be?"

"Seems to me you know what it is. Okay, then, hold this Map for me, we're going to a part of Hogwarts I bet you didn't even know it existed."

* * *

**-I do-**

"Ahhhh," yawned Sirius widely, stretching his arms as he woke up, "'mornin' Moony! Did ya have a good rest? I certainly did. Love them cozy beds more than anything."

"Good morning, Padfoot," Remus responded automatically and then loudly shrieked as he realized something was incredibly odd. "_Oh Lord_!"

"Why are you lording?"

"SIRIUS?", Remus yelled, quickly springing out of the four-poster, wonderstruck,

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?"

"_Your_ bed?" winced Sirius. "Since when is this _your_ bed? I don't see _your_ name on it anywhere, Moony... Or am I starting to be short-sighted like Prongs?"

"It's been _my _bed since forever and you know it – _oh_. This doesn't really look like our old dormitory, does it?"

"Nah."

"This is our new one, right?"

"Bingo."

"And we have only one bed," remembered Remus, "Which is not only mine. So we now have to share it because of that marriage game."

"Uh-huh."

"_Bummer_."

"Well..." drawled Sirius, "you didn't seem to be complaining last night when you snuggled up against me, though."

Remus nearly fainted. "WHAT!"

"Here's that worrying side of yours again."

"What can I do when I never know for sure if you're joking or not?" said Remus honestly, "No matter if you are earnest or not, you always _appear_ to be so serious... Those black eyes and black eyebrows and black hair... you never know what to think!"

"_Duh_," responded Sirius, laughing "that's in my name, isn't it? Anyways, looks can be deceiving. You, of all people, should know it best. D'ya really think it's written on your forehead that once a month you're becoming a big mad hairy beast that runs around wanting to bite everything and everyone, including his best friends and self?"

"Good point, but still... you keep freaking me out, Sirius. Stop freaking me out!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

Remus's conscience wasn't quite clear yet.

"So..." he said trying to sound casual and unworried, "did I really snuggle up against you? I mean, sure I didn't, why would I do that, I mean, but no, really – _did I_?"

Sirius yawned again, slowly getting out of the bed, "What difference does it make?"

"I'd like to know."

"Okay, then, you tried to, because you were cold I think, but I pushed you away and gave you bigger part of the blanket. Satisfied now?"

Remus stared, perplexed by the care Sirius had showed. It didn't happen that often, that's for sure. "Yeah, I guess..."

"Good enough. Say Moony, I've been thinking something..."

"_You_'ve been thinking?" joked Remus, "Why do I have a hard time believing in that statement?"

"You better do, 'cause I have," Sirius said pompously, "Well, more like dreaming, to be honest. It's about James. And, you know, the confession we owe him. He's got the right to know about this..."

"And he isn't going to be very thrilled..." responded Remus pessimistically.

"We can always perform a Laughing Spell on Prongs... and, then, while he's rolling on the floor hee-hawing, shoot the truth at him!"

"I wish somebody did that to me, too."

"It's never late for that, mate," snickered Sirius, "a laughing Remus Lupin would be a very interesting show, without a doubt."

Remus frowned. "Padfoot, you trying to say I never laugh?"

"Face it, Moony, it's not like you can be seen cackling all the time."

"I cackle when I have a reason to!" objected Remus.

"No, you don't." Sirius shook his head.

"Yes, I do," nodded Remus energetically.

"You don't."

"_I do!_"

"I do, too," responded Sirius mischievously, "therefore I pronounce us a husband and wife. I may kiss the bride, but I won't, because my stomach's sending me messages I cannot ignore. Race ya to the Great Hall, Moony!"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Liked it / not? SUGGESTIONS? I promise a very crazy and interesting chappie coming up next... ehehehe, till then! -waves_**- **


	7. Of Broom Closets

**Da Disklaimah, yo brotha: **_Joanne Kathleen Rowling, how I love thee._

**Author's Notes: **_Aaaaaaah. Don't shoot me, please. Forgive me for not updating for so long! Trust me, I had all sorts of reasons: my computer wasn't working for a month; I went to Italy for a vacation; and on top of everything, I had a slight writer's block. But today a miracle happened. It started raining and it gave me the will for writing. bad weather is my muse, hehe So, what can you expect in this chappie? Find out yourself. And, please, R.E.V.I.E.W. Thanks! Love you all, but especially you guys who reviewed the last chapter:_

**_GBBY, Nick, blacksmoon, The almighty and powerfulM, Dortha, Watermelon Wishes, vamperfly, starburstsweetie, PrincessSkywalkerOrgana, Snuffy, Snuffles is Loony for Moony, sarah, Shree, uh well me, wildflower, lostday, MoonyNZ, xXxShellyxXx, Bhekie, starryfaerie, dedetomkiewicz, Sari, Phaerie, MyStIcS number 42, James' Grl, quickwolf, gaija, Georgie's girl, Shuffle Queen, HermioneLuna, YamikioofAnime, funkydiscomonkey..._ **

_I think that is all. So... Story, anyone?_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by **_Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 7 – Broom Closets**

"James, this map is simply... just... totally _extraordinary_! Where on Earth did you get it? And this magical cloak? There must be, like, 10 invisibility cloaks altogether on planet! And wow, I can't believe those two stained dots on the map are actually _us_! Oh, it's such a perfect thing that I can be completely sure we're passing the Charms classroom even if I don't look around myself! All I need is this map! And, for Gandalf's sake, is that _Severus Snape_ right next to... _Sybille Trelawney_ in front of the Divination classroom? How is that possible? Is this map quite accurate? D'you reckon she's his destined one? That's kind of weird, if you ask me... but then again, you and I are nothing better either... I mean, you have to admit it, James, we are such an unexpected couple... well, not a couple really, but, you know what I mean..."

"Lily," hissed James under his breath, as the two of them climbed down the stairs, covered with his invisibility cloak, "you know I'd love to chat with you, especially when it comes to my precious map, cloak, mocking Snivellus and us as a couple," the last word made Lily blush slightly.

Fortunately James didn't notice since he was too busy hurrying up and racing with the time left till their class, "But in case you've forgotten, we should be _awfully_ quiet. Not that I like being quiet, but let's face it - strange muttering everyone can hear, but not see who it belongs to... not a very common thing even in Wizarding world..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know... but I'm just so excited, that's all," justified Lily herself silently, shrugging and trying to keep up with James's large footsteps, "I've always had a thing for Magical artifacts, you know, coming from a Muggle family where everything is so boring, dull and common..."

"Actually I wouldn't know. My whole family is purely magical."

"Right," answered Lily shortly. James could hear the note of reserve in her voice.

"I promise we'll talk about it all later, ok?" he said softly, "Oh, brother - to think that all these years I've been unsuccessfully trying to speak to you and now that I've actually got the chance, seems like I'm refusing it. Somebody give me a medal for contradictoriness!"

"Or get you a special place in Guinness world records," offered Lily quietly. "I heard it's not that hard if you have certain connections... and my father is quite a hot shot in the world of books and literature..."

"What? Where? Giniss book of what?" asked James confusedly.

"Ah," smirked Lily triumphantly. "finally some advantages of being a Muggle born. That's what I've been waiting all along."

James raised an eyebrow, feeling a wish to find more about that Ginni-whatever- book of records, but had to stick to his own rule: _No talking_.

"Lily?"

"Okay, okay, I'm shutting up."

"Turn left."

"Left?" she whispered, "but nothing's there... Only that old broom closet..."

"Just open the door and we'll be at the greenhouses soon."

"I'm not going with you in a broom closet..." fizzled Lily. "Especially not such a small one!"

"Shhh. Just enter. Trust me."

Lily couldn't help but ask her inner self how life could change in 180 degrees so fast and so soon.

Only a few days ago, she definitely wouldn't go that far to trust James Potter... and, quite normally, she would never agree to go into some small dirty place like a broom closet.

"Guess I don't have a choice..." she sighed and did as James told her to. Seconds later, the two of them found themselves in a scanty room.

"Now what?"

James bent down and pulled a small knob on the floor, muttering: "_Secret passage number ten, I'm coming to you again_."

"How d'you know all this...?" Lily asked flabbergasted as a hole, which was completely invisible till a moment ago, started to open in the floor.

"Long story. Jump in, I'll go after you."

"Jump _where _exactly?"

"The hole, of course." responded James, nodding his head towards the newly formed trap door. "Quickly, we don't have much more time. Three minutes to be exact. God," frowned James slightly, "I think I've started to sound like Remus..."

"I'm not jumping into that... that... rabbit hole, James!" protested Lily fierily.

"No?" repeated James calmly.

"Nuh-uh."

"Tell that to somebody else," he whispered and softly pushed Lily through the trap door. "Safe journey!"

Her loud shriekingwasthe last thing he could hear before jumping after her.

"_Pooottterrrrr!__Youuuu are... soooo dead... once I reach... solid ground!"_

_

* * *

_

"Good morning, class!" professor of Herbology Pomona Sprout cheerfully said as she stormed into the greenhouses, intriguingly looking around. "The weather circumstances didn't prevent you lot from coming? Good, good. Everyone here this morning, I hope?"

"Yes, professor Sprout." replied the Gryffindor seventh year in unison.

"Though in pieces," muttered Lily under her breath, frowning.

James snickered. "You're fine, Lily. We came before the rest of the class, what else could you ask for?"

"It's easy for you to say, you didn't fall first and nearly broke your poor as..."

"Miss Evans," professor's voice cut her off. "is there any trouble?"

"Surely not, professor." assured Lily momentarily.

"Before we begin, I might add I'm seeing some interesting changes in sitting arrangement," said professor Sprout, winking significantly at James and Lily, Clementine Spacey and Clark Bradley and a few more newly formed couples. "Very interesting. Hope the hormones are serving you well."

Sirius pretended to be sick and made a face as though he was about to throw up.

"Mister Black, that will not be necessary, thank you. Now, everyone, listen carefully here. We'll be doing a series of very difficult plantings today. That is why I want you all to be focused and steady. By focused, I don't mean your hand should be exploring Miss Spacey's pocket, Mister Bradley. Leave that for after the class, alright?"

"But, but," stuttered poor Bradley, immediately shoving his hand from his destined girl's pocket. "I wasn't... it wasn't... we weren't... I was just looking for the wand..."

Professor Sprout raised an eyebrow. "One would think that after seven years of taking this class, you would remember we are not using wands in here quite frequently."

The class laughed at this and Clark decided it would probably be better not to even bother to continue explaining, because he might only go deeper into confusion.

Professor Sprout divided the class in groups of four, handed over all the necessary tools, seeds and flower-pots, gave them instructions and left them to do their work in peace.

After the lesson had finished, Lily told James they would speak later "_You still owe me an explanation about those cloaks, maps and secret passageways. Don't think you'll back out of it so easily!_" and went off to join her friends, Clementine Spacey and Flora Ignis, the Slytherin girl.

"What's up, mates?" said James as he caught Sirius Black and Remus Lupin from the back, who were going down the muddy path of the Hogwarts grounds.

It had finally stopped raining, but the sky was still depressingly grey and the air was heavy and humid.

"Oh, don't tell me you've already forgotten about me, your irreplaceable friend, pal, buddy, animagus, number one heart-breaker James Potter, popularly called Prongs amongst his friends... You haven't, right?"

"Or maybe it was the other way around..." responded Sirius, chaffing.

"Yeah James, Sirius could have a point," said Remus, "you can't tell us you've actually been thinking about us while you were spending time with the... how did you used to call Lily... oh, yes -- object of your desire?"

"Ah, well, you know how it is..." grinned James, "but... I really did miss you guys, I swear! Seems like we haven't been up to something in years. And I miss it."

Remus and Sirius exchanged looks.

"Should we trust him?" Remus pretended to consult Sirius.

Black scratched his chin. "What if it's Sybille Trelawney under poly-juice potion trying to trick us..."

"But maybe it is really our James who's truly missing his friends..." smiled Remus. "I say let's give him another chance."

"Hey guys," interfered James. "in case I've suddenly gone invisible, I'm still here!"

Sirius faced James. "Alright, here's what I think. We'll believe you if you tell us one thing. Have you or have you not finally stopped talking like the wacky and annoying medieval renaissance poet?"

"Oh, that", chuckled James. "Why, yes. It was just a short phase. And will never happen again."

"You made this dog very happy, mister Stag. Gracias, amigo."

"No problemos."

"And now, hem hem, Remus..." Sirius turned to Remus, eyeing him importantly. "It is time."

Remus went paler immediately. "It is? Already? You sure?"

"Wait a minute! Is this what I think it is?" asked James, glancing happily at his friends. "You're finally presenting me your wives, right?"

"Ah, yeah, sort of... You should probably sit down first..." offered Sirius.

"Yeah, well done genius. I should definitely sit in the middle of this mud and wait for you two to make up your mind."

"But this will be a shocker, Prongs," added Remus. "It was for me. A great shocker, if I might add. Huge one."

James awkwardly swallowed.

"Go on, Moony, scare him to death." grumbled Black.

"You were the one to offer the sitting down!"

"So..." James wrinkled his forehead. "Are they... are they one of my exe girlfriends? Laurentia? Keira?"

"No..." responded the boys at the same time.

"More like... your... eh..." Remus tried to explain, but then realized he couldn't say it.

"Your... friends, mate." finished Sirius quietly.

James gaped blankly at Lupin and Black. "Who? What friends? I don't understand you two!" he cried. "Spit it out, already! I can't play the 'guess who' all day long. It is bloody tiring!"

"Okay, you asked for it." said Remus, as his voice trembled. "It's us, Prongs."

"Yeah, mate." Sirius could feel his heart beating as fast as a fast Muggle train. "Moony is my destined one and I am his. We're each other's chosen husband and wife, no matter how absurd it may sound."

"We had the toughest time trying to accept it. Especially me." Remus admitted and suddenly felt slightly more relieved as he was able to speak honestly about it with somebody other than Sirius. "I just couldn't get used to the fact... well, I still am slightly reluctant to face it... You know, that I am... that we are..."

"That we aren't destined to spend our lifetime with persons of the opposite sex." Sirius helped Remus again.

James stared at them disbelievingly before starting to laugh hysterically. "Yeah, right, very funny you guys! Very funny! Almost got me fooled! Hey, if you didn't wanna tell me who your wives were, you should've just said so, instead of making this charade! Wait... why aren't you laughing? This is a prank and you should be laughing. Right? Right?" he desperately begged his friends.

"On the contrary, James. This is very serious and it's not a prank at all. Just the bare truth. We wouldn't joke about something so... delicate."

"Oh. I see." said James after a few seconds, his voice suddenly going cold and unreachable. "Then why are you telling me this? What do you need me for? You need my blessing or what? Shouldn't you be in some broom closet shagging your brains off?"

"James..." Remus whispered, pleadingly. "Just try to understand, I know it's hard..."

"Hard?" James repeated, caricaturing Lupin's voice, backing off from Sirius and Remus. "Oh, it's not hard at all! I don't have to listen to this shit! Do me a favour and don't talk to me. Don't you dare talk to me again. I can't believe... you... this... Goodbye, you _queers_!"

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Eeeeeeeek! What will happen next? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK SO FAR. Mucho love for those who review! _  



	8. James's Savior

**Disclaimerus: **_Characters invented by Almighty Rowling. Plot mine. Now shoo!_

**Author's Notes: **_Oh, dear. I've just finished writing this chapter. Longer chapter, if I may add. Yay.  
_

_Those of you who were shocked by James's reaction in previous part, here's an explanation – the way he reacted is how I see he would react to Remus's and Sirius's little secret in the first place. He is not built of only two or three habits and characteristics – he is a full, complete person with many faces and a complex nature. Characters involve, and that is what is happening to James in my story too. Hope this chappie will explain more about him and I really hope you'll like it. Another note – Lily/James shippers should love this. _

_Now, start reading and pleeease write a review with your thoughts. I'll be happy very much indeed if you do so. Woohoo._

_Also... Huge cheers to my faithful readers & reviewers of the previous chappie --_

_**Jellyjulie, ASH, Lady-Elizabeth4242, tigrelily86, Ihateharryandhermioneshippers, quickwolf, misakichi1**, **Nick, blacksmoon, Dortha, starburstsweetie **__(see, I've updated so quickly this time, haven't I? That just shows how productive I can be when I have time to write)**, Snuffy, Snuffles is Loony for Moony, sarah, starryfaerie, Shuffle Queen, hermioneLuna, jedily and marija...**_

_I'm leaving you with the story now_**  
**

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by **_Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 8 – James's Savior**

Lily Evans climbed one of the seats on the Quidditch Pitch, her green observant eyes intent to the sky.

She was convinced she would spot somebody flying above her, yet, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't see anyone. The sky was still glum and lifeless, making it rather uneasy to discern any sorts of objects. Despite of it all, Lily stubbornly continued her search.

Finally - she saw a blurry dot above her, energetically flying left, right, up and down, cutting the air faster, faster and faster as it formed circles and swirls in the autumn welkin... Lily could barely keep track on it, but she didn't want to give up.

She could feel something was wrong. Terribly wrong. James didn't attend any of the afternoon classes; he wasn't in the Great Hall for lunch; his friends Remus Lupin and Sirius Black looked tremendously distracted all day long and when she saw a glimpse of James near the Groundkeeper's house, he fastened his move and nearly ran away from her.

"James doesn't run away from me," she thought worriedly, "He never has and I don't see why he would do it now either. Something's definitely out of place."

Lily sat alone on the Quidditch Pitch till a dark ink shade replaced the grayness of the sky. The wind increased and she started to feel unpleasantly chilly.

She looked up again, only to realize it became impossible to see anything at all.

Lily sighed to herself. "Guess my mission's failed miserably." she muttered hopelessly, unwillingly getting ready to go back to Hogwarts.

"If your mission was to track me down", said a hoarse voice behind her. "then you certainly didn't fail."

Lily was caught off guard. "James!" she said, turning around, surprised and relieved at the same time. "When did you..."

"A minute ago," he responded shortly, as though he wanted all conversation to end right there.

Lily noticed he didn't look her straight in the eyes. It appeared as though his mind was somewhere else even at that moment. Lily's curious nature needed an explanation. She had to know what was going on and check if she had done something to make him act the way he did.

"Wore your invisibility cloak all day long, didn't you?" she decided to try to start a simple dialogue. "You seemed to vanish today. More than once."

"Wish I did for real," he said darkly. "That way I would positively be alone. You going back to the school now? It's gotten kind of breezy..."

"Not yet, I'm not..." Lily closely watched James who was still avoiding her look. "I think you need somebody to talk about it."

"Talk about what?" he asked, nearly snapping.

"The thing that's troubling you. Whatever it might be."

James raised an eyebrow as though he wanted to ask how she could know something had been wrong.

"If it's something I did today... If it's the fact I asked too much about your magical artifacts, I mean, I know I can be a pain when it comes to stuff like that and that I cannot control myself, and..." she started to explain, but James cut her off again.

"It's not you."

Lily immediately felt a heavy stone falling off her heart when she heard she wasn't the reason of his isolation, but even so, it wasn't enough for her. "Then, will you tell me what is?"

James didn't respond. Lily saw him trembling slightly as he wrinkled his forehead and clenched his fists. He even started biting his lip before speaking again. Lily could hear he sounded rather shaken.

"I... You wouldn't understand."

"Why not try me?"

"I'd rather not," he responded, lowering his eyes, "Seriously, Lily, you better leave before I start acting like a bloody maniac. Trust me, it's better not to talk about it... I can't talk about it with you... I can't talk about it with anyone... Damn it, it's harder than I thought!"

"Don't tell me that..." a disastrous thought suddenly flooded Lily's mind and she nearly stopped breathing. "You can't have...an... incurable disease or something? Tell me I'm raving. I'm raving, aren't I?"

"Good Lord, no, I'm not sick or anything like that!" he responded, scandalized. "It's... not about me... It is... Well... Bloody hell, I promised to myself I wouldn't speak about it with anyone. Why for Agrippa's sake am I feeling such a strong will to open myself up to you then?"

"Because you need to share that burden with somebody, James." Lily compassionately replied, slowly moving closer to him. She tenderly brushed her hand on his palm, making James waver with emotion. "Whatever it is, I promise to be of some help to my husband."

James remained quiet for some time, fighting a battle with his inner self.

"What would you say..." he began at last, still having the hardest time speaking his thoughts out loud, but feeling grateful for Lily's honesty and care at the same time. "if... What would you say if two of your best friends... started... dating... suddenly?"

"I'd wish them all best." she responded earnestly.

"Even – even if they were the same... gender?" he asked feeling distressed.

Lily looked him straight in the eyes. "Absolutely."

"But, it's wrong, Lily. They're... they're my best mates."

"Lupin... and... Black, I presume?" asked Lily, intrigued. "Are they a _Matrimonium Alveum_ couple?"

James nodded shortly.

"Wow. Interesting."

"But can't you see? They're my friends! Best friends ever since I've started going to Hogwarts. We're guys, mischievous rogues, charming pranksters. That's how it's always been. We aren't supposed to be dating each other all of the sudden! Oh, what would you know, anyway? It's not like Flora and Clementine are a happily married couple out of the blue, is it?"

"True, they aren't. But I know about it more than you can obviously imagine, James. And it seems to me you've never been in touch with homosexuality before, am I right? Especially not with somebody so close to you..."

"I didn't think I ever would have to get in touch with it either... And what are you trying to say? That you have?"

"Let's just say I was barely 11 when I ran into my cousin Tulip doing something... er... if only I could remember his exact quote... I think he said he was only 'taking a piece of lettuce off our neighbour John's shiny teeth'. He didn't know I was way smarter than that even then. Anyhow," grinned Lily playfully, "I can assure you it was not something you could call an easily forgettable sight for a curious and innocent young girl."

James couldn't help but smile at this, before going all morose again.

"Still, this is way different..."

"How is it different? I didn't expect my cousin to be men-oriented, just like you didn't for your friends."

"But Sirius even had girlfriends before! Loads of them! There are probably five girls altogether at Hogwarts who wouldn't put him on the top of the 'most wanted list'! I wouldn't normally admit it, but he'd definitely beat me in that race. And Remus... well, I just thought he was shy and slightly clumsy, that's all... but this! Since when? And... in love with each other? I mean – come on... Why? Why them?"

"James..." Lily said softly, feeling a strange will to be completely honest with him, now more than ever before. As her voice slightly vibrated, she decided to openly tell him everything she thought about it. "I don't want to lecture you... That's the last thing I want to do, because I can grasp what you are saying. But, before it is too late, all I ask is... search your feelings."

"What do you mean, Lily?"

"You know Remus and Sirius didn't exactly choose to be what they are. They didn't choose to fall for each other, did they?"

"I..."

"Please, let me finish. I'm sure both of them were quite unprepared for what had happened as well as you were... Am I not right? But love comes uninvited. You can't stop it, you can't fight it. They are not to be blamed. If they are alright with it, you should be too. You yourself said they're your bestest friends in the world. Friends make sacrifices for each other, isn't that correct? I understand you can't accept right away, but don't reject your beautiful friendship just because of some unfair stereotypes and prejudice. Sometimes the most unexpected souls are destined to be together. You know it is like that. You do understand what I'm saying, I can feel it. Let them be, James. Try not to judge them and embrace the truth, no matter how wry it may be. I'm sure they would do the same for you."

James amazedly stared at Lily, impressed and at complete loss for words.

He couldn't believe how genuine she sounded - so heart-felt, so truthful, so pure. She managed to see right through his shield and touch his bare soul with those honest words. He knew Lily had a point - she was right about everything she had said. He couldn't believe he actually needed Lily to tell him what he had known all along.

James felt as though she was his savior and he remembered why he had been in love with that very girl all those long years...

"I'm sorry if this sounded pretentious," Lily said, feeling slightly embarrassed as she saw James literally gloating her. "it probably did, and you probably want to smack me now, but anyhow, I just needed to tell how I felt about it... My plain two cents..."

James didn't really listen to her unnecessary apologizing. Still spellbound by what Lily had said before, he desperately wanted to express the gratitude because she helped him realize the real values of life.

Instead of saying it and before even realizing what he was doing, James leaned towards Lily and wishfully pressed his lips against hers.

Lily winced, completely unprepared for this, promptly feeling tingles running through her body. She thought her lips were nearly set on fire as she reflexively accepted the kiss, closing her eyes and sharing the most perfect moment she had experienced in her entire life.

Their kiss held passion, strength and urgency Lily had never felt with her previous boyfriend, Rodolphus Lestrange. It contained trust and hunger and made her want to last forever.

James was the first one to back out.

"I..." he began, but Lily quickly interrupted.

"Just don't say you're sorry, please."

He looked confused. "Why would I say that? I was the one to kiss you, remember?"

Lily laughed in remission. "I know, but... guys always say stuff like that after the first kiss. At least in romantic Muggle movies they do..."

"In reality they don't," smiled James. "and, yes Lily, I _do_ know what a movie is, in case you wanted to glory above my lack of Muggle knowledge once again. Peter's Mum took us to a Muggle cinema to see one film called _Blood for Dracula_ a few years ago. That movie sucked, I must tell you. The folks who made that movie obviously don't know a thing about vampires! I was really disappointed in movies and couldn't understand what the fuss was about, but Mrs. Pettigrew assured me there were some much better ones..."

"There certainly are." said Lily, trying not to laugh at James's thoughtfulness.

"Anyway," he said, heaving a deep breath. "that's not what I wanted to tell you, Lily."

"So I've presumed." she whispered in response.

"I actually wanted to... thank you..." he said quietly. "If you didn't say all that about love and friendship - I don't think I'd ever have strength to face the truth. You made everything seem so easy, so natural, so logical... Now I can't even remember why it bothered me in the first place... I mean, I still know my previous reasons, but I don't think they matter so much any more... You... you're a real diamond, Lily. I hope you know how much you've helped tonight. You've saved a friendship. I'll never forget that."

Lily chuckled blissfully. "It's been a pleasure being your shrink, Mister Potter. Next séance will be held tomorrow at the same time at the same place. Please, don't be late. Now, go on, pay up."

"But I'm broke!" objected James.

"Didn't anyone tell you there are other ways for paying the debts?" she said cheekily.

"Why, Miss Evans," grinned James from ear to ear. "that's so naughty of you."

"Is it?" she fluttered her eyelashes innocently. "I didn't think writing my History of Magic essay would be considered naughty."

James's face flushed with disappointment. "Guess not."

"What's that face for?" she continued her little torture. "Did you think I was talking about something different?"

"Actually, yes. I had hoped it involved..." he inclined towards Lily and whispered a few words in her ears.

"LIPS!" she screamed, reputedly stunned. "Why would I share my lips with you? You've got your own, you don't need mine too!"

"Well, whatever," James grumbled, "it's not like I'm going to beg you to kiss me or anything..."

"Oh. _Kiss_ you. Why didn't you simply say so?" laughed Lily maliciously. "Of course I wanna kiss you, aunt Noel. It's much more fun than doing History of Magic. But can I do it inside? Please? I think my poor frozen hands will fall off if we stay outside on this cold night only five minutes longer."

"You got it, doc." smiled James, hugging Lily tightly before two of them headed back for the castle.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**_ Hope y'all J/L shippers are satisfied now. Apologizing for lack of Remus and Sirius in this one, but I had a feeling this was very important for the story, so... more of them coming soon. Au revoir, mes amis!_


	9. A Dynamical Night

**That thing that begins with a 'd'**: _We heard it a thousand times, k? JKR, you own us all. Wee. Not that my ego's waaaaay under zero now..._

**Author's Notes: **_I'm s-s-s-s-s-scared, y'all. This update is **LONG**. I don't like to write long because it's scary, LOL. But I hope you'll enjoy it, anyhow. Prove me my effort's actually worth of something and write me a ...what?... a nice, long review. Hehe, don't need to be necessarily long, but do tell me everything that's on your mind._

_Many many many many thanks to people who left reviews: **jellyjulie, don'tmind me, Maykwa, Snuffles is Loony for Moony, hermioneluna, CrystalKisses, blacksmoon, irule-udrool, Mistress del Mare, gbby, MaraudahLily, Shuffle Queen **__ (a Beat reader would be great! We can arrange something definitely... for now, can you tell me which are my biggest grammar mistakes in your review? If it's not a big trouble for you, that is...), then **Snuffy, sarah, starburstsweetie, ChristinaMarie15, YamikiofAnime, Bhekie, chococholicbookworm, Troy, swoobleswirl, Nyscat, Rocks-my-socks**..._

_Where would I be if it wasn't for you guys? –smooch, hug, smooch-_

_Here goes then... Our number 9! Voila._

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 9 – A Dynamical Night**

"I'm not sure this is such a good idea, Padfoot," whispered Remus insecurely, as he and Sirius lurked in the shadows of the Entrance Hall. "What if the caretaker catches us? I feel as though I'm some kind of a psycho criminal waiting for his victim to butcher it... Listen to my common sense, Sirius. We should wait till tomorrow when we can do a similar thing, only in less... weird way. This seems so aggressive. I know you agree with me. Okay, then, let's go."

"Moony," responded Sirius quietly, yet resolutely, "this is an absolutely splendiferous, dynamical and unique idea and _you_ know it. Otherwise, you'd have objected before we came 'ere."

"Right," sighed Remus, "when I hear you using the big words like 'splendiferous' I momentarily know you won't give up on the idea no matter what. So I should better stop trying."

"The sooner the better," snickered Sirius, "besides, it's not like we're doing anything illegal. We're just doing what we _must _do. Can't let that twat ruin our shrine of Marauders, can we?"

"Certainly not, c'ptain Black," saluted Remus mockingly.

Sirius's ears suddenly stiffened. He raised his head and listened intently for a few seconds. "Hear that?"

"I hear loads of things," said Remus and did the same thing Sirius had done. He then carefully sniffed the air and nodded back.

"Somebody's coming. Think it might be our target, sergeant. You want me to whack him or just stun him? I can do the jiu-jitsu move too, if you prefer the traditional Asian methods."

"Don't you yank my crank, Remus," snarled Sirius almost inaudibly. "Just tell me. D'you have it with you?"

"_Sir, yes, sir_." he said, still bemocking.

Sirius smirked.

"I think I'm having bad influence on you, mister Moony. Where did that quiet, obedient, book-loving, unsarcastic and above all tamed werewolf disappear? Sure you didn't eat him for dinner?"

"It's right here, sir, don't you recognize me?" Remus entered the character perfectly, "Seems to me I'm more obedient now than I've ever been. I don't recall myself saluting you all the time, so this must be a progress, not a regress. Also," he couldn't sustain not to add, "unsarcastic is not yet a word, with all due respect. _Sir_."

"That's the Moony I know. Phew, much relieved now that I know he wasn't kidnapped by aliens," grinned Sirius, but terribly frowned almost at the same time, apparently distracted by something. Placing a finger on his lips, he showed Remus not to speak. "It's _him_ alright, I can sense that... _git_ is nearing. Sometimes, to tell ya the truth, I'm so proud to have these dog-senses leftover thingies..."

"I'm not really proud of my wolf ones... They make me feel like an animal..."

"Woohoo," cackled Sirius mischievously, "kinky."

"Shut up, Sirius. I do, however, have to admit they can be helpful from time to time. Like now, for example. I don't think he's alone, I reckon I'm hearing two voices."

"Sure those are not just voices in your head?"

Remus ignored Sirius's teasing with dignity.

"Just kidding. I too hear 'em. Ready?"

"Say when."

Sirius and Remus watched two figures stepping into the hallway after cautiously pushing the entrance door of the castle. One of them looked left and right and then whispered something in the ear of the other. Remus and Sirius could only see their backs, but not one of them missed to notice they had been holding hands.

"How cute," commented Black dryly. "Do it, Remus."

Lupin only stared at the couple in front of him.

"Now?"

"No, _yesterday_. 'Course now. It'll be alright, don't worry. We're doing justice."

Sighing, Lupin took out of his ragged pocket a small wooden box with gilding marks all over it. He opened it and something tiny, bright gold, impatient and fluttery immediately flew out of the box and started zooming around incredibly fast. Before you could say '_Golden Snitch_', it was already on its way through the hall.

Sirius and Remus watched it fly right above the pair's heads.

"Holy Quidditch!" they could hear James exclaiming as he noticed the snitch maddening about his head. "What are you doing here!"

"Isn't that...?" said Lily flabbergasted.

"How did she get out, I don't understand..." fumbled James, following the snitch with his sophisticated eyes.

"You need to catch it now, or we'll be in serious trouble, James!" said Lily, "It's enough that we're out of our beds at this time."

"I'm aware of that! You go, Lily, I'll need a few minutes to take care of this. I can't exactly sit on my broom and fly through the castle, so it ain't that easy."

"Surely not, mate," whispered Sirius amusedly as he watched the scene from the shadows. "and something tells me it's gonna get even more difficult..."

"You really _are_ enjoying this, aren't you?" muttered Remus accusingly.

"More than you can possibly imagine."

"But he's your best friend!" hissed Remus, "Our Prongs. _Prongsie_."

"Exactly my point. Our Prongs who coldly told us to go you-know-where today as though we were something icky 'n' sticky on the back of his shoe. I wouldn't be enjoying this if it was somebody I didn't care about. He didn't want to accept the truth the nice and rational way? Fine, there are other methods too. Like this one."

"Sadist."

"_Saint_."

"You sure, James?" asked Lily quietly, so Sirius and Remus were forced to focus on the boy and girl again.

"Positive." James said reassuringly and gave Lily a quick peck on the cheek, before she climbed up the stairs and disappeared from his eyesight. "Now," he concentrated on the whizzing ball, "come to papa, you little mischief!"

"No can do, _chéri_," said Sirius as him and Remus left the shadowy spot near the entrance door, their magic wands pointed out. "On three, Moony. One... two..."

James widened his eyes, completely taken aback by seeing the two of them gliding from the dark.

"What – where – you two – what is going on ..."

"...three. Fire!"

"_Silentius Perfectus!_" said Remus.

A flash of sparkles flew out of his wand, striking James straight in the head. His mouth continued to open frantically, but no words were coming out any more. A few seconds later, his mouth vigorously closed and James couldn't open it any longer. He was shot by a Muting Charm, a spell that would instantly lock the stricken's lips.

"Sorry, old chap."

"_Immobilus_!" added Sirius and the insane flying snitch started to lag as though it was in slow-motion.

Remus aimed the snitch and nanoseconds later, with a little help of the summoning charm, he was holding it tightly in his hands.

"Now, oh accused one," said Sirius solemnly, fixing James with his eyes, "you can either be a good Bambi and come with us or... act like a bad fawn and therefore be magically swept off to our dorm where you'll be forced to listen to me and Moony, your dear... oops, did I say _dear_? Sorry. I meant - your _queer_ friends..."

James widened his eyes, desperately trying to say something in his defence. In vain.

"Not me and Moony," Remus automatically corrected, without thinking, "it's Moony and I..."

"Ohbuggercrapwhatever. I _hate_ grammar."

"She's not very fond of you either."

"Bottom line," continued Sirius as though Remus didn't try to sabotage him, "I'd warmly suggest cooperating, Prongs, and don't think we're doing this because of a revenge, even though we would have reasons to do it... We're just saving our friendship which you, obviously, are pretty willing to reject..."

James started to gesticulate wildly... but, as he had still been completely mute, it didn't really help him at all.

"No use, mate," added Remus, "the spell's very powerful. It's preventing you from – judging by the expression on your face- from cursing us at this very moment."

James tried to show him something with his hands, but it was hardly understandable.

"All we ask is to listen to us and... if you deny to accept the truth we're offering even after that, then, then... well, then..."

A terrible silence fell between the boys in which James got a sudden will to peep into the tips of his shoes.

"Then we'll cook you, bake you and invite Giant Squid to dinner." Sirius finished Remus's troubling sentence in his recognizable style.

"Oh, and one more thing, James," announced Sirius, turning the merciless black eyes to his silenced friend, "Remus and I _swore_ to each other we would try our best to survive at least half an hour without passionate smooching. Tough call, but I think I'll somehow manage. Unlike some people, we're willing to make compromises, isn't that correct Moony?"

Remus had no idea what to answer. He knew Sirius was only punishing James because he acted like a selfish retard that morning, but what he didn't know was if he wanted to go against it... or if he actually felt the very same...

"R, J, I'd say our business here's done. Off we..."

"Well, well, well, " said a cold voice behind their backs. "Going somewhere?"

"_Snivellus_..." said Sirius softly, as he turned his head to face the oily haired boy, "what a repulsive surprise. 'd love to stay and make fun of you, but, you see, we've got urgent business tonight. Perhaps another time? Say, tomorrow, two thirty, beech tree near the lake?"

Severus Snape's mouth formed a terrible self-satisfied smile.

"This is certainly an unusual place for your little gatherings," he noted, "and it's not even full moon." He looked at Remus, trying to provoke him. "Seems to me, Black, you'll have to answer some questions. Same goes for you Potter, Lupin. I'm sure there are people in here who will be more than glad to hear why you were out of your beds at this time of night... using magic..."

"Snape," said Remus calmly, "do mind your own business and leave us alone."

"But I _am_ doing my business," Snape was still smiling dangerously, "that is why you three will follow me to caretaker Argus Filch's office. Immediately."

Sirius laughed in disbelief.

"D'you hear him, Moony? Seriously now Snivellus, beat it before I get really pissed off. This hasn't been the best of my days and I'm on the edge of doing something really nasty to you. Here's a chance for you to escape. Seize the moment and drag your slimy ass outta here."

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," Snape shook his head, "that's no way of talking to the _Caretaker's Supreme Assistant_. Could only get you into more trouble, if it's possible."

Sirius's laugh turned into a mad barking.

"Why _Snivelly_, your sorry life finally has a meaning. Congratulations!"

Snape's smile softly faded.

"Enough with the small talk. I don't have all night. Now, follow m-"

"_Oh, to hell with it,"_ thought Remus quickly, _"I've already broken about a million rules tonight, one more won't make a big difference._"

"_Petrificus Totalus!_"

Snape keeled over, as rigid as a blackboard.

"Dear Lord, what am I turning into?" wondered poor Lupin anxiously out loud.

"Thanks for hushing that annoying grease ball for me, Moons. Knew you had it in you. Sorry James, it'll be your turn soon. Technical difficulties, as you might've seen. Now... straight to Black-Lupin pension, if you please."

* * *

"...and, when I first saw his name on my piece of parchment, I thought I needed glasses... very thick ones..." 

"...felt like I was totally going to flip out..."

"...to make him accept the inevitable truth, I had to make jokes about our new discovery..."

"...I couldn't even look at his eyes in the beginning, trust me, I felt so unnatural, I felt as though I was _ill_... you'd never wish to feel that way..."

"...but then we began to realize stuff like that happened all the time..."

"...and that fighting wouldn't help... we are what we are, after all..."

"...and, honestly Prongs, hearing all that coming from your mouth today... I don't wanna sound like a whiney, but it did hurt... suddenly I was a refused backslider again... just like I felt when I was a lonely werewolf kid with no real friends..."

"...aside all the vicious comments I made this evening - we really... well... oh, _screw it_, what's the point being a macho pureblood untouchable Black all the time? After all, I'm pronounced gay now, so I have the benefit of showing my emotions, don't I... so, to cut the drabble and get straight to the point - we need you, James... we need our mate back... if you don't support us, who will..."

"...sure, we still have Wormtail... or do we? He doesn't seem to be around as much lately..."

"..._well, doesn't that just rip my heart_..."

"...anyhow... we haven't been talking to you for barely 15 hours and we already felt empty..."

"...suicidal... okay, now I'm exaggerating... more like, _homicidal._.. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do more: punch you, hex you..."

"...or just force you to listen..."

"...everything seemed so attractive..."

"...but we obviously chose the last one...even though Sirius thought we should stick to the slightly more invasive way, as you probably noticed... and finally to conclude this - here you are, unable to say anything until we finish our story..."

"...so after you get your speaking abilities back, you can either scream '_Freaks, homos, burn them on a bonfire_!', run and never be seen again..."

"...or you can swallow your prejudgments and accept the fact that we are humans, with our own faults and weaknesses..."

"Okay, then, we're done. It's time for reversing the spell, I'd say..."

"Think well, James, alright? And Sirius, prepare for the decision, because the counter curse is here... _Desilentius_!"

"OH YOU SHATTER BRAINS," bellowed James, while he was stroking his numb jaw. "IT WAS ABOUT THE BLOODY TIME! BECAUSE OF YOUR BRILLIANT PLAN TO MAKE ME MUTE AND DUMB I COULDN'T TELL YOU THAT ALL OF THIS WAS UNNECESSARY."

"It – it was?" Remus raised an eyebrow, looking sideway at Sirius, who only shrugged.

"Lily had already done your work," continued James loudly, but not yelling any more, "she made me come to my senses and realize I shouldn't have turned my back on you..."

"Evans for president." mumbled Sirius, pretending to be waving a flag.

"So, does that mean..." said Remus, full of hope, "that you're now... okay with us..."

"As long as you don't do any - _yucky_ stuff in front of me," said James seriously, "I'll be... well, you know what? I'll be just fine."

"Shucks," Sirius said acting to be disappointed, "means no drooling and fleas-scratching? But I love doing that! Those are my fave yucky actions! Tell him, Moony!"

James grinned. "You _know_ what I mean..."

"We solemnly swear we won't do anything you wouldn't do with Evans," promised Sirius. "Right, Moons?"

"What? Oh, yeah, right, right. If it's alright with Prongs, that is."

"Hmmmm... I'd say that is fair. If you really do have some, er, needs, be sure I'm not there to witness 'em, ok?"

"Why, yes," replied Sirius, "we'll try to tame ourselves."

"Remus?" asked James, looking closely at his pale friend. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, yeah..." he smiled, "Glad we're back to normal, that's all."

"Ain't he just a tender little soul?" teased Sirius. "Sometimes I want to squish him and..."

"_Sirius_!" warned James.

"What?"

"Wait till I leave, please."

"That was a joke, pal," responded Sirius laughing, "A JOKE. Jay – oh – kay – ee. Get it?"

James joined Sirius in laughing and Remus did his best to do the same, too... but somehow, the image of James and Lily holding hands and the gleam in her eyes as she was looking at his mate couldn't leave Lupin's mind for a long time. He didn't know why, but that sight made him feel terribly lonesome..._  
_

_"Snap out of it, you fool," _a voice in his head demanded, "_how can you feel lonesome, you're surrounded by your best friends...",_ but the other voice responded before the first one even finished what it had started: _"That is the problem, isn't it... Lily is not just a friend to James... while you and Sirius and only mates...but, which is more confusing –you don't even know if you need Sirius in the way James needs Lily or not...Why do you have to be such a messed up werewolf? Can;t you just... howl like every other beast? It'd be much easier that way, believe me..."_

_

* * *

_**Auuthor's Notes: **_Friendship renewed... but is our little wolf starting to actually... **FEEL** something for real? Hmmmmm... Who am I to spoil the story for ya? Hehe. I think the **next update will be filled with interesting stuff**. Want me to write? Then please **give me reviews**. Adios amigos!_

_ Special thanks to _**_Shuffle Queen_ **_who corrected a few of my typos/mistakes in this chappie. Yay!_


	10. Holidays, Hogsmeade and Pain

**Disclaimer:**_ Hogsmeade's the property of JK Rowling. Mine's just one of the streets in it, muahaha._

**Author's Note:** _-deep breath- I'm solving the R/S confusion right away. Read carefully: both of them are still in the story, folks! They won't be getting less lines (or anything similar), even though James and Lily are the main ship. Don't you worry! But their relationship **will stay on the humorous level**, as I already stated. When I said this story wasn't going to be really slashy, some of you people thought I was throwing two of my favourite characters out (!) and, trust me, I'd rather be stuck with Peter Pettigrew in a suitcase for the rest of my life than throw 'em out, ok? Nothing's changing, except for the fact that Sirius and Remus won't be humping each other like bunnies, capisci? Good. Glad we understood each other now._

_Okay, then... What can you expect from the chappie number 10? Some humor, of course and some drama, oh Lord. What can I expect from you guys? Loads of reviews. I really need them... or a writer's block will eat me alive. –eeeeek-_

_Many kisses and salutes to **Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, Demonsblade, YamikiofAnime, the-girl-named-kittie, HappySnakes Rule, Starlight Hannah, SABRINA, vampslayer, UnforseenShadow, Lady-Elizabeth4242, Shuffle Queen, Bhekie, PrincessSkywalkerOrgana, siriusella, centaur219, Troy, Heather, EmpressM** and a very special thank-you goes to **HermioneLuna** who decided to BETA this chappie (and did a great job, if I may add)... she'll hopefully beta the next ones too, hehe... Well, that's that. I love you all guys! Thanks so much! –gets emo-_

_Erm, yes. I'll shut up now and let the story continue. Yay!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 10 – Holidays, Hogsmeade and Pain**

The days after that particular night had been relatively monotonous and uneventful, but neither the Marauders nor Lily seemed to complain. The 7th years were busy doing huge amounts of homework that had piled up over the past few weeks. Even though they didn't actually _yelp_, nobody really enjoyed either.

Remus, however, was the only one grateful for their constant lack of free time. As long as his mind had been preoccupied with studying, he couldn't be caught up by depressing and perplexing thoughts regarding Sirius.

Remus had no idea what he was feeling. The loneliness would come over him quite suddenly, but he still couldn't resolve if he needed Sirius or... anyone _at all_.

It was weird, confusing, nerve-eating and Remus preferred not to think about it. He decided to stick to the good old "_Que sera, sera_," and be prepared for anything. On top of it all, the jading full-moon period had just ended and was still recovering. The last thing he needed was more torture; the negative thoughts were definitely it.

* * *

To everybody's great joy, Christmas was finally approaching. 

As they entered the second half of December, the weather turned very cold. Before James was able to say "_I don't like winter_" the Hogwarts grounds had already been covered in several feet of a perfectly white and thick snowy blanket.

The holiday excitement was unavoidable and the usual amazing Christmas decorations had been put up all over the place. Hogwarts was entirely in '_Yule Atmosphere_' as Sirius liked to call it.

"Hear, hear," said James cheerfully one morning as he joined Remus, Sirius and Peter in the Gryffindor Common Room. "Hogsmeade weekend, this weekend! Finally something to help me run away from this torment called studying..."

Remus looked at him disapprovingly. "But you haven't even _bothered_ trying to do this essay!"

"Why would I?" snickered James. "You've already done it."

Remus shot him a rigid look. "Oh, Horn-Bug, how wrong you are if you think there's the slightest chance I'll let you copy the essay from me."

"Never mind. I know who will. Padfoot, my chum?"

Sirius crooked his head to one side. "Let's see. If I was able to sit and sweat here for hours whilst trying to think of 50 bloody boring ways to get rid of stupid Kappas, instead of doing something really important and fun like – say – throwing snowballs at Slytherins... Then... I don't see why you couldn't do it, Prongs."

"And your answer is...?"

"No."

Remus cheered triumphantly. James goggled at Sirius, looking hurt. "And thou too, my son?"

"Hey, it's not like I stabbed you in the back!"

"Yeah, right. I'll never forgive you this one. Wormtail?" said James hopefully.

Peter budged in his chair. "Ah, well, er, I - I s'pose you can copy it from me, yeah..."

Remus sighed as James grinned victoriously. "I knew you'd never abandon me, Pete! These two would get rid of me any time they'd have a chance, but you'd never!"

Pettigrew smiled perplexedly. "'course I wouldn't."

"Suck up," muttered Sirius, not trying to keep his voice down. "So, Hogsmeade weekend, eh? That's definitely a great news. 'specially because I've heard a new pub's been opened this week. Thought we might check it out; apparently they serve fire whiskeys, blinking rum _and_ sparkle vodkas even for innocent underage wizards. Means, us. Minus the innocent part."

"Mmmm, sparkle vodka..." James licked his lips wishfully. "My favourite."

"Hey James," called Lily, as she and Clementine Spacey entered the room, "guess what?"

"We already know, Evans," Sirius said quickly, "there's a Hogsmeade trip this Saturday. We were discussing it just now... until you came."

Lily gave him a long look. "No need to be unfriendly, Black."

"You've been like that towards James all these years."

"Stop it, you two," said James calmingly, a flick of amusement glowing in his eyes, "I know you both immensely love me, but don't worry, there's some for everyone! All you need to do is ask."

Clementine rolled her eyes, laughing. "Lily, I still can't believe you're actually dating Potter! I mean, he hasn't changed, has he? And you used to despise-"

"That's enough, Clementine, thank you," Lily cut her off, afraid she might say something offensive about James. "Seems like things aren't the way they used to be, okay? And, _Black_, I wasn't even going to mention Hogsmeade, I presumed you'd heard that by now. There's something even _newer_. It's right there on the bulletin board. About the _Matrimonium Alveum_ game," she added carelessly.

"What about it?" Remus raised his look, intrigued. He blushed slightly as he saw Lily looking at him steadily as a small smile appeared on her lips. It was kind of weird to know she was one of those few people who were informed about Sirius's and his little... secret.

"Yeah, what about it?" James and Sirius asked in unison, while Peter nodded.

Lily smiled. "You guys sound interested! That's encouraging. Well, we don't know anything for sure yet, but the board says we'll get that missing bit of information from our Heads of Houses the night before Christmas. So, I reckon, it's gotta be connected to Christmas somehow..."

"Whatever it is, I hope it'll be romantic," sighed Clementine dreamily.

"Er... Dunno 'bout that," said Sirius, scowling at the idea, "but I do hope it'll be fun. That's why I wanted to play it in the first place - sheer fun."

The rest of them nodded in agreement.

"We still have a week to find out what it's about, so we better concentrate on the homework. That one's for tomorrow," concluded Remus and went back to finish the last page of his Dark Arts essay.

* * *

The Hogsmeade weekend morning dawned cold, but bright and pleasant with icily white sky. The caretaker Argus Filch led a whole bunch of Hogwarts students covered in scarves, cloaks and warm robes, down the path to the only non-Muggle Britain village, whilst they chatted, gossiped, laughed and enjoyed the smell of holidays that had filled the air. 

"James," said Sirius as his breath rose in front of him, "why are you acting so... hyper? I mean, we're all happy we're at Hogsmeade, but you... you're literally jumping up and down. Mind you, you don't even like snow and winter!"

"Besides," added Remus, shivering slightly, "we were here last week, weren't we? Full moon, Shrieking Shack... Ring a bell?"

"Yeah, but... you know... I'm meeting Lily later."

"Uh-huh..." Sirius said, ironically elevating an eyebrow, "Well, I must've misunderstood something 'cause I thought you two were already _together_..."

"Ha, ha, how witty. It's our _first_ date. First _official_ date."

"Ah, I see," nodded Sirius, "so you're afraid you might make a complete ass out of self? Understandable."

James felt a huge dumpling stop in his throat. "So you too think there's a chance I might act like a complete jerk? I knew I wasn't being paranoid!"

"Take it easy, Prongs," Remus smiled, putting a hand on James's shoulder calmingly, "You've already seduced the poor girl, so the hardest part's over. You don't have to necessarily knock her off her feet. Just be yourself, ay?"

"But not too much of yourself," joked Sirius, "there're some boundaries, ya know."

"Oh, shove off," laughed James and felt much easier and more relaxed after talking to his friends.

"Hey, Moony, ma man," Sirius suddenly remembered something, snickering, "we didn't have a date yet, either..."

"Do we need one?" Remus quickly asked.

"Nah." James shook his head.

"Nobody asked you anything, mister Hyperactive. Remus, you won't get outta this one. The boiling rum's on you this time!"

"Fine, but you're buying candies at Honeydukes then."

"I'll be bankrupt!"

"You asked for it."

"Sometimes I think you're pure evil in disguise, Moony," stated Sirius, "Sure you're not related to my family? If I ever go to the Noble House of Blacks again I'm gonna have to check the tapestry 'n see if you're on it... What? Anything's possible - you never know."

* * *

"Lily, remind me again, what are we looking for?" Clementine asked as the two girls made their way through a thick crowd down the street. 

"I told you, I want to buy my nephew a Broom Speeder for Christmas..."

"Thought you said you were buying it for your cousin?" said Clementine suspiciously.

"Did I?" Lily stopped for a second, thinking. "Cousin, nephew... all the same to me."

"Lily... You are a terrible liar," her friend deduced, "Is it that hard to admit you actually wanna buy Potter a present?"

"Who said --? Oh, alright," Lily capitulated as she saw the look on her friend's face, which distinctly told her 'stop-lying-or-else'... "okay, Clem, I give up. It's not really that hard... I just don't wanna sound like we're, I don't know..."

"Married?" Clementine helped, smirking.

Lily grinned. "Yeah..."

"I'd never think that! Just be sure which type of broomstick he's got. You don't want your _hubby_'s broom going all wonky, do ya?"

* * *

After a couple of hours of jolly wandering around Hogsmeade, Lily had to say goodbye to Clementine and head for the recently opened pub called "_The Lucky Niffler_" to meet James. 

Lily happily clenched the bag in her hands having no doubts James would be thrilled with his Christmas present.

_Too bad I can't give it to him today_, she thought jauntily, _I'd love to see the look on his face when he'd see what I bought him! Well, guess I'll need to wait a few more days... Shouldn't be too hard._

Lost in her thoughts, Lily turned left in an empty lateral street to cut the long way to the pub, enjoying the crispy sound of the snow crunching beneath her.

Suddenly, she became aware that the creaking had become louder, as though she wasn't the only one walking. Usually, Lily wouldn't be alarmed, but the ambienance of a lightless narrow street made her feel quite uncomfortable. Her instincts told her to draw her wand immediately, but a mild stab in her back prevented her from doing so. Lily nearly stopped breathing as her heart began to beat like a fast train. _Merlin, tell me I'm exaggerating, tell me I'm only overreacting..._

"Scary, ha?" said a molly-coddling, but unpleasant female voice who riveted her wand at Lily's back. Goose bumps erupted up Lily's spine, causing hairs on her neck to stand up and her whole body to shiver. "I know I wouldn't like to be cornered in a dark alley, all by myself, without any of my friends to help me... _and_ with my hands tied up..."

"My hands are not..." began Lily quietly, but stopped in the middle of the sentence as she realized her wrists were being laced at the very moment. Lily's hands shriveled and the bag with James's present fell on the ground. The fear she had felt doubled, but powerful anger joined the dismay.

Lily could hear the girl laughing maliciously behind her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing! Let me go!" yelled Lily, furiously. She couldn't recognize the voice, but she was positive she had heard it before. "Why don't you come in front of me so I can see your ugly face..."

"Shut your mouth, _Mudblood_," the girl had stopped laughing, and was now whispering dangerously in Lily's ear. "You're lucky I didn't do anything viler. Trust me, I'm perfectly capable of it. One more word like that and I won't be this gentle. That's a promise, Evans."

"So, to sum it all up," Lily said loudly, trying not to pay attention to the harsh jumbling in her stomach, "you called me a Mudblood, you like to use the clichéd freaky whisper, you are violent and you attacked me from behind... You must be a Slytherin. Wait, not just a Slytherin... A Slytherin _coward_."

"Are you stupid or what?" hissed the girl, annoyed. "Rodolphus was right about everything he'd said about you, except for one thing – he told me you were a clever little witch. Provoking somebody who's got a wand pointed at your back while you're unable to defend yourself is extremely foolish."

Lily's mind instantly froze. "You said... R- Rodolphus? Rodolphus Lestrange?"

The girl was laughing wildly again. "I don't think there are many other Rodolphuses in our vicinity, do you? Yes, of course I'm talking about Lestrange Rodolphus. Your ex boyfriend... and my present husband. My future too, I daresay."

There were no longer doubts in Lily's mind who the girl was.

"_Bellatrix Black_," Lily said through clenched teeth, "I should've guessed."

The girl finally stopped pressing the wand in Lily's back. Bellatrix Black made a few steps around Lily, before stepping in front of her. She had an undervaluing expression fixed on her face. She was tall and waspish and her long hair heavily sloped on her chest. She would've probably been very pretty if she hadn't had a terrible smile glued to her face and the malignant glow in her cold blue eyes.

"Took you long enough, Evans," she said, grinning really evilly now, "I just _hate_ slow people. Stupidity makes me so angry. Stupid people should be punished, don't you agree? Sometimes, I just wish to make them suffer for being so insufferably thick. Especially if they're Mudbloods, such as _yourself_."

Lily couldn't ignore the terrible meddling in her stomach any more. She was perfectly aware of the fact this hadn't been a naïve and harmless situation.

_This isn't good, Lily, this is definitely not good... You're stuck with a bloody madwoman in a bloody passageway with no bloody way to fight back... You must quickly think of something... think quickly.. think of something..._

"Panicky, are we?" Bellatrix enthusiastically said, studying Lily's physiognomy and gestures. "Perfect timing, Evans. Just the right time for a nice little hex that one nice man thought me how to use... Nothing _too_ horrible. I've experienced it too. It only makes you wish you were dead, nothing more. But it'll pass..."

"You're insane!" yelled Lily, starting to pull back. "You're completely insane. What have I ever done to you!"

"You blotted my destined one with your filthy Mudblood kisses, that's what you did!"

"You are insane," repeated Lily, her voice trembling with dread. "Leave me alone. I'm not touching your precious Rodolphus any more. Just leave me alone, Black!"

"Why would I?" snarled Bellatrix, showing her ghostly white teeth, "This is such a perfect opportunity to practice my dark arts skills. Oh, and by the way, your dear friend Flora sends you regards... She says you two doesn't spend as much time as before... Pity, she says, you were much better while you were hanging out with some of the Slytherins. Ever since you've started spending more time with that laughable Potter and his friends, Lupin, Pettigrew and my unfortunate cousin Sirius, you two have grown apart."

"Flora and I haven't grown apart..." Lily muttered feverishly, still backing off slowly, "I just didn't have time..."

"Tell that to her. Without Ignis's help, I wouldn't know where you'd headed for. Obviously, that gullible Spacey told her. Which reminds me," she added, enjoying Lily's feebleness, "your husband's probably worried sick now. Well, guess what, Evans? He should be. _Crucio!_"

Lily immediately hit the snowy ground, shrieking in agony.

"Stop... stop... stop it... no... No!"

Every bone, every muscle in Lily's body was on fire as her eyes rolled madly and skin burned with the most horrible pain she had ever experienced.

She couldn't think, she couldn't move, she couldn't cry for help. She only wanted for the terror to end. She didn't care if she blacked out or even died, as long as it would stop already.

Lily had no idea how long the pain had been there. She didn't know when it had stopped precisely. Long after Bellatrix had disappeared and the hex ended, Lily was still lying on the frozen ground, eyes widened and lifeless.

* * *

"James!" exclaimed Sirius, surprised to see his friend approaching Remus's and his table in the "_Lucky Niffler,_" "Thought you were with Lily in the back corner of the pub! What happened?" he added, noticing the poor look on James's face. 

"You all right, mate?" asked Remus worriedly.

James stared somewhere between Lupin's eyes and hair.

"She... she stood me up," he whispered barely audible, "Lily didn't show up. Can you believe it? Can you actually believe it? And we were starting to have something real nice... I thought we were really doing really well! And she_, my bleeding wife, _stood me_, her stupid husband,_ up. I don't understand this. I don't understand it. I can't believe it. I- "

"Hold on a second," Remus tried to calm him down, "maybe she couldn't come. Maybe she had a reason."

"She did have a reason," James said in a mortuary voice. "And that reason's obviously _me_. I'm an idiot for actually thinking we could be destined for each other... I'm a bloody _idiot_."

* * *


	11. Unexpected Help and Christmas Discovery

**Disclaimer:** _I'm sure JKR sweats like mad while writing HP books. I know I do while updating this fic. –phew-_

**Author's Notes:** _I overcame the writer's block I had! Woohoo! That means I haven't been able to stand up from the desk whole day today... 10 hours! 10 hours, people! My neck, arms, head – everything hurts... so as soon as I finished the chappie, I decided to post it. Without beta-reading. Yeah, yeah, that means a bunch of mistakes, but I just couldn't wait and I couldn't bother correcting them... am... so... tired... ahhhh... Well, hopefully, **HermioneLuna** will do the beta-reading anyhow. -puppy dog eyes- And when she does (er, if she does), I'll re-post the chappie. Okay? Okay._

_As the title says – you can expect some unexpected help, a discovery at Christmas time and... a new part of Matrimonium Alveum. Hope you like! Besides, this is the longest chapter I've ever written. My, my. Weird._

_I bow before all of you who left feedback. You know who you are, you ass kickin' people - **Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, starburstsweetie, Shuffle Queen, HermioneLuna, MrS-SiRiUs-BlAck, centaur219, luvin'it, Stephanie, Moka, PrincessSkywalkerOrgana, UnforseenShadow, luv nikki, Bhekie, MarliS, the-girl-named-kittie, starryfaerie, Sindhoo, MooseyDoom777, Sarrie, xXxShellyxXx, born2driveat16, Leftover Jackson, KitKatKate0517, Annieboo92...**_

_Anddddd... the saga continues._

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 11 – Unexpected Help and a Christmas Discovery**

Lily heard a quiet and incoherent mutter coming from somewhere above.

"_...s... ns... ying... et up... ans..._" 

The mumbling sounded to her as though it was thousands of miles away and Lily couldn't understand a thing. She tried her best to focus on the words, but it was harder than she thought. All of her regular brain functions worked sort of slowly and chaotically. Lily needed some time to realize she had been lying on a cold frosty floor for... _Gandalf knows how long_. The arm she had fallen on was numb, her thick winter robes were entirely wet and Lily's frozen tense body ached unpleasantly. She noticed her hands were still tied tightly together and began to shiver with cold and discomfort.

"_... on the floor... damnit... what am I doing... wrong..._" the mutter kept trying to reach her. Lily still couldn't understand distinctively, but it was getting more and more understandable.

In the next moment, she felt a rough hand pulling her robes in clumsy attempt to get her off the floor.

"... _cooperate Evans, I don't have all day_."

"J – James," she asked weakly, voice filled with hope. "That... you?" She tried to open her eyes again, but her heavy eyelids were firmly closed.

"Wrong guess," the voice sounded much clearer to Lily now. It was glum and not exactly appealing. "Can't see your precious Potter nowhere in sight, that's for sure. Come on, get up already. Here, take my hand before I change my mind. I don't do this often, especially not to people like you, but I have conscience... _sometimes_."

Lily couldn't see what other choice she had, so she gave a small nod and gritted her teeth while trying to pull herself up.

The person reached out a hand once more and this time managed to help Lily stand up. She lurched a bit and slowly opened her eyes for the first time.

"You?" she asked in disbelief. "What... why... what's this supposed to mean? Well I just can't... believe this... day!"

Severus Snape gave her a long, abysmal look. "Nobody pressured me to do it, you know."

Lily trembled as she remembered what another Slytherin had done to her earlier.

"You sure?" Lily said distrustfully. "Certain miss Monster Black didn't send you to finish me? Expect me to believe in that crap?"

"What the hell are you rambling about, Evans!" exclaimed Severus, confused.

"Fact is a fact, Snape. We don't usually help each other, do w--"

"_Listen Evans_," Snape said nastily, cutting her in the middle of a sentence, shooting his yellowish teeth forth. "Don't flatter yourself. Saw you on the ground and thought you needed assistance, big deal! I don't ask for gratitude nor I think anything will change between us. One more thing – better not tell anyone about this."

"Why? People might think you've even got... feelings?" said Lily without hesitation.

Snape frowned as he tried to think of a clever answer.

"Whatever," he responded shortly, willing to end the conversation. "Just forget this has ever happened and goodbye."

"One more thing, though," Lily added quietly after Snape had already turned back on her.

"Now what?" he snapped rather impatiently.

"I can't believe I'm asking for your help," she said, sounding extremely humiliated. "But I seem to have no choice. You managed to do it once so I'm counting on another miracle."

"Your point is...?"

Lily heaved a deep sigh. "Would you untie me?"

Snape's eyebrows elevated momentarily. "Would I what?"

"_Untie._ Verb opposite to tying somebody. Like, somebody tied me up," Lily spoke as thought she was explaining a new word to a regular imbecile. "and now I'm asking you to un--"

"_Your perverted filthy games with Potter do not concern me, Evans_" Snape replied disgustedly. "If he tied you up, he should untie you as well."

Lily glared. "If you didn't help me only minutes ago, our dialogue would definitely turn into a bad sight full of vulgar words I don't even like saying."

"The feeling's mutual." Snape retorted coldly.

"Glad to hear it," Lily responded indifferently. "You'll do it, right? Be positive I'll never _ever _ask anything from you again."

Snape was silent for a few seconds, lost in thought. "To hell with it," he muttered in his chin, annoyed. Then he commanded: "Turn around."

"SNIVELLUS, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"

Severus and Lily, thoroughly startled by this loud shriek, turned around and saw three figures approaching incredibly fast.

"James!" Lily exclaimed as soon as she recognized the furious boy who seemed to be nearly running to get to her, relieved and happy to finally see a loved face.

"LET GO OF HER _NOW_!" snarled James, pointing out his wand. Sirius and Remus drew out their wands as well, ready to aim at Severus.

"You really beg to be hexed again, don't you Snivelly?" Sirius barked lethally. "Some serious issues you've got. One would think Remus's successful curse would teach you something."

"If you have problems with us," Remus added sternly, "that is no excuse to attack the girl. She hasn't done anything to you!"

"And here I thought this would be a quiet abandoned little ally with no people in it. Since when did it become so popular?" grumbled Snape to himself as though he didn't hear what they had been saying. "Potter, I'm terribly sorry you aren't the big shot of the day this time. Maybe you ego will finally simmer down a bit now and make all of us much happier?"

"Shut up," he retorted. "Lily, are you okay?" James looked at her affectionately, seeing she slightly trembled with cold. Glancing towards her arms, he noticed Lily's corded hands that went indigo because they were lacking circulation. The muscles on his face tightened as he shook with anger. "You _BASTARD_!" he growled at Snape. "What have you done to her! I'll kill you, I swear to God, you're a dead man! _Move aside, Lily._"

"James, no!" Lily quickly said. "he didn't do anything, it wasn't him who--"

"Stand aside, Lily" James demanded again, his eyes burning with murderous fire.

"Listen to me, James..." she tried to explain, but he didn't listen.

"Why are you defending this skunk?" Sirius asked waspishly.

"Because he didn't attack me. He actually..." she began, still not quite believing it had been the real truth.

"He actually what?" said James, glaring at Snape.

"I bloody _helped _her, all right?" Snape spat, his empty black eyes showing he was disgusted with himself. "Which I deeply regret. I knew I should've minded my own business, and I probably would have any other time. It just... This has just thought me a lesson – never help anyone, especially if they have idiotic friends."

"Watch it," warned Remus. "We still have our wands pointed out."

Sirius laughed in incredulity.

"You want us to believe what we saw was you helping? Helping _Evans_? The same girl who you like to call Mud... I'm not even gonna say it."

"Is it true?" James asked Lily quietly.

She nodded shortly. "Unbelievable, but yes - it's true."

"I don't know what you're playing at--" James began, still staring at Snape, but he cut him off.

"Right now," Snape answered coldly. "I'm playing a little game called '_I want to go away from you Gryffindor fools as soon as possible because I've had enough for today_'" He turned back to them and marched away.

"That was weird... he called us 'fools' only once." stated Remus, putting his wand back to his pocket.

James untied Lily's hands and took off his coat to wrap it around her.

"You'll freeze," she said quietly.

"Don't you worry 'bout that. I've got thick skin."

"Head too," added Sirius helpfully. "Trust me Evans, I've tried smacking it once during a Quidditch Match. It – just - wouldn't - break!"

Lily faintly smiled, rubbing her numb wrists. "Thanks for the coat, James."

"Now that's a real gentleman, sharing coats with ladies and stuff," Remus said to Sirius. "Watch 'n' learn, Padfoot. You'll need those gentlemen manners if you wish to accomplish something in life."

James grinned, tightly hugging Lily, who was still shivering.

"You poor thing. And my idiotic self thought you stood me up," he quietly said, tenderly kissing her forehead. Remus couldn't help but smile at James's gesture. "I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions, I seem to do that a lot lately... So, tell me Lily, if Snape was the one to help, who was the bastard to do tie your hands? Tell me so I can deal with them the way they deserve!"

"I wish it was the only thing she's done," Lily whispered in response, fighting hard not to start crying. The feeling of unbearable pain was still too fresh; the sight of Bellatrix maniacally laughing was too vivid and the repressed emotions were quickly coming to surface.

Sirius, Remus and James exchanged worried glances whilst she tried to get a grip. "Shhhh, calm down, everything's gonna be fine..." James softly whispered in her ear, not quite sure what else he could say.

"It was that Bellatrix bitch, it was," she managed to say through gritted teeth after a few moments of silence. "Yes, Black, your cousin. She... she actually... she used the Cruciatus curse on me because I was Rodolphus's ex girlfriend."

"She -- she used what?" Remus asked even though he heard well what Lily had said. "But that's forbidden! She could go to Azkaban for it, you know that!"

"Damn," Sirius cursed in his chin. "No wonder I wanted to change my last name. Sometimes I'm so sure being a Black is a _disgrace_."

James was silent for the longest time. "Lily," he finally spoke, looking dead serious, "that beast won't get away with this. I promise you that. She'll remember the day she laid her dirty fingers on my wife."

"And we'll help her remember it for the rest of her life," winked Sirius significantly.

Remus didn't say anything; he just took a brand new Chocolate Frog out of his pocket and handed it over to Lily, smiling encouragingly. Sirius gaped, pretending to feel left out.

"Well that just does it, Remus John Lupin! Do I too need to be _crucio'd _to get some sweets? Sheesh, what a villain."

* * *

On James's and Remus's firm insisting, Lily had gone to Hospital Wing for a couple of days to get a good rest. She objected saying she was all right, but they wouldn't give in. Lily couldn't imagine she would be spending the long awaited holidays in bed, but James assured her she would be out before Christmas.

The doors of Madam Pomfrey's Hospital Wing had been opened for every Hogwarts student at any time. If you needed discretion, she would make sure you would have it without making much fuss. She didn't ask excessive questions and had always done her job devotedly. She didn't interrogate Remus and James about what had happened to Lily. It was enough for her to see James's anxious look, unattractive purple bruises on Lily's arm, frostbites all over her body and the exhausted face of the girl to provide her the most comfortable bed in the whole wing.

Poppy Pomfrey immediately supplied Lily with enormous amounts of chocolate, made her drink the Recovering Potion and fended for the girl to get the necessary sleep.

The night before Christmas, James had visited Lily in the wing, transmitting the get well wishes from their classmates. He thought how attractive Lily had looked as she greeted him with a huge smile spreading across her well-rested face. She sat in her bed, arms around her knees, wearing pyjamas... _no, not pyjamas_, James corrected himself, _sleeping gown, _andlooked more tender than ever. He leaned over and kissed her voluptuously. The delicate stings of his mark of affection penetrated her whole body and Lily beamed as she scented the aftertaste of James's mouth.

"Mmmm, there's been vanilla pudding for desert."

"What? How d'you know that? I've brushed my teeth before I came here!"

"Sixth sense, what can I say?" mused Lily. "Guess who'll be out of here first thing in the morning! Madame Pomfrey said I'm as good as new again."

James didn't try to hide his enthusiasm. "Great! The bed's been kind of empty the last couple of days, you know. And dead aunt Noele's kind of afraid of dark too, you need to comfort her a bit. I mean him. What I actually want to say is - Dumbledore announced what the _Matrimonium Alveum_'s next move is. You'll like it."

"Yeah?" chuckled Lily. "What is it then?"

"Got a nice, fancy dress?"

"Uh-huh, think so."

"Good. Eight o'clock, Great Hall, tomorrow night, you and me, having a blast."

Lily gave him a questioning look.

"You've trusted me before, trust me this time too. Now move aside a bit. I have to rest my poor old legs before going to a Quidditch practice and I see a nice spot near you which I simply have to use."

* * *

The Great Hall had never looked more glamorous than it did on that Christmas night of 1977.

The regular long four house tables and the one for the professors were gone and had been replaced by numerous little scarlet, dark blue and silver tables for two. They had romantic perfumed candles in the middle of each, with a couple of glittering cards on two opposite parts of the tables.

The illumination in the chamber was shaded and the only source of light was the candles. There were small sparkling stars everywhere in the air, mixed with the bland smell of mistletoe, Christmas trees and marzipan.

At exactly eight o clock, some pleasant, relaxing and not very loud instrumental music filled the Great Hall. The heavy wooden doors of the room opened and let the spruced, glowing and cheerfully chattering _Matrimonium Alveum_ couples inside.

"Wow," sighed Lily in awe as she entered the Great Hall, hand in hand with a smug-looking James. She was wearing a long violet dress made of some silky, streamy material and her long red hair was braided in a plait. When James first saw her, he couldn't find words to express how ravishing she was and when he did, he couldn't stop telling her that. Lily thought he looked equally handsome in distinguished black robes. "This has exceeded my imagination. Look at those cute little tables! And listen to that music! Clementine must be flipping out now, this is her dream come true. Wow, this is just – _wow_."

"Yeah, I agree, it's nothing special," Sirius added teasingly. He wore a simple, yet effective gray robes in which he looked spectacular. He stood closely behind James and Lily, with Remus by his side. A few people stared at Remus and Sirius, causing Remus's cheeks to start matching his red dress robes, but he tried not to give any signs he had seen their curious glimpses.

Peter entered the hall with his destined one right after Remus and Sirius. He couldn't hide his puzzlement and his jaw literally dropped.

Sirius just nudged him with elbow, saying: "Stop goggling at Moony or I'll start thinking you're having the hots for my wife. And that ain't gonna end up good, _capisci_?"

Stunned by this reaction, Peter closed his mouth and decided it would be better to mind his own business.

"Well, guys," James said to his friends, grinning from ear to ear, "time to say farewell. See ya later and... _behave yourselves_."

Remus nodded, smiling while Sirius shook his head. "You kiddin'? This is the perfect night for going wild! Come on, Loopy, let's burn down the house!"

Lily waved to them and she and James went to find a free table near a big Christmas tree in one corner.

"What are these for?" asked Lily, noticing the glittering cards on their table.

"No idea," shrugged James, ruffling his hair absent-mindedly, "but let's find out."

Both of them seized their cards, reading inquisitively.

"Basically," said James after a few minutes, while Lily was still staring at her card. "mine says I should tell you a secret about myself... any secret you wish to know. You just need to say some words out loud and there'll be no way I could lie to you then. Says honesty is the key to a successful marriage. Honesty, what is that?"

"Oh, stop it. I think that's really cool!" Lily said amusedly. "Mine says I should smack you in head if you ever flirt with any other girl other than me. Yes, Potter, I saw you checking out that fifth year blonde's bum when we entered the Great Hall."

"I wasn't checking her out!" James defended himself. "She was standing right in front of me, I couldn't keep my eyes closed! It's not my fault she's got colossal buttocks, is it?"

"Relax," she smirked. "I'm just giving you a hard time. I know you wouldn't do it. You haven't chased me all those years in vain, have you?"

James grinned. "Claro que no. So, miss Evil for 1977, what did the card say? _Really_ say, I mean?"

"You promise not to freak out?" she said after a few moments of silence.

"God, I knew it," James exclaimed dramatically. "It said I should prove my love to you by jumping off the highest Hogwarts tower! Goodbye, cruel world, it's been nice knowing you. Don't forget the lovesick James Potter--"

"You done?" laughed Lily. "It's not that serious, but it is kind of a big deal. It said I should take you to meet my family in the next few days. Obviously, they need to know who I'm married to."

James lightened up. "Groovy! Got any pretty sisters like yourself? Can never get enough of beautiful Evanses, this stud."

"I'm sure you can't. Well, I do have a sister and, trust me, you won't be as enthusiastic when you meet her as you are now. My Mum and Dad are something else. They'll love you, I'm sure!"

"You sayin' she won't like me?" James said, smiling self-confidently. "We'll see about that."

"Yeah, I s'pose we will," added Lily thoughtfully. "Now, as for my little truth spell... Give me your card, I wanna read the words. I've figured out the question."

"I hope you don't ask if I really checked out that girl's background or I'm doomed," James pretended to be scared and Lily softly smacked him over the head. "Ouch. All right, here it is."

Lily read the words in her sleeve and then repeated out loud. "_I entice thee to speak the truth, I entice thee not to lie, when I ask you to respond, only truth shall be reply. _Sweet. Feeling any different?"

"Feeling scared, that's for sure."

Lily remarkably cleared her throat. "Here's something I've always wanted to know."

"Uh-oh."

"Why do I sometimes hear you calling Remus 'Moony', Black 'Padfoot' and Pettigrew 'Wormtail'? What is that all about? How did they get their nicknames? And why do they call you Prongs? P.S. This is all one question."

James's face got flushed with terror and he started stuttering like mad. Lily stared highly confused, not being able to understand how that question could make such a disastrous effect.

"Ohshitshitshit, this was a bad idea. I can't say, I mustn't... oh, shit, the words are coming out themselves, heavens forgive me... It's all started with Remus Lupin getting his nickname Moony because he is a... _oh, God, James shut up_, I can't... he is a.. a..."

"James, sweetie, are you alright?" Lily asked, genuinely worried. "Calm down, please. Boy, I'd never ask if I knew this would happen. Is there a counter curse? I can reverse it, if you like... No, it says here, it would end when you answer the question--"

"He is a werewolf, that's what he is," James cut her off as the words came out of his mouth; He was unable to prevent them. "That's how he became Moony. And, _I'll regret this, I know I will_, Sirius, Peter and I decided to be there for him and we actually found a way to turn ourselves into Animagi and Sirius's Animagus form is a big black dog, that's why he's called Padfoot, Peter is a rat, so he's called Wormtail and I am a... _oh, this is bad, very bad_, my Animagus is a stag, so I'm Prongs. And that's about that."

James finally shut up and Lily was speechless. People around them would probably think they had suddenly turned into... _fish_ – mute, opened mouth and altogether looking pretty dumb.

"So..." Lily managed to say after some time, shaken and still trying to absorb the new and incredible information. "_So_..."

James felt uncomfortable. "So, now you know. My best friend is a beast and I am not something you'd actually call, er, _human _either..."

Lily stared at her hands and mumbled something in her chin.

"What did you say?" James mechanically asked.

"I said... Do you ever go out to play hide and seek with McGonagall?" she repeated more articulately, a mischievous grin beginning to dance on her face. "Considering she's an Animagus too, I mean."

James felt his lips forming a snicker. "Nah, she's too rigid for us."

"It has nothing to do with you being unregistered Animagi, of course," Lily added quietly, amazement glowing in her green eyes. "It's quite some thing you guys managed to do. Not only managed, what you _wanted _to do. Because of a friend... That's really heroic, James. And really loyal. I want you to know I'm very... well... _proud_ of you. And that your secret is safe with me."

"Well, it better be. You're the only living soul who knows about this except us... oh, and Snivellus, but he found out by himself. This is really not a small secret and I know you understand it," James responded and then looked as though he remembered something. "By the way, did I hear you call me 'sweetie' a few minutes ago?"

"You've probably dreamed it, Potter," she responded playfully.

"And I love you too, Lily. Happy Christmas."

* * *

**Author's Notes**: _Well, I hope you enjoyed it. Thoughts in your reviews, I beggggggggggg. Okay, see you, bye. _


	12. Meet the Evans part 1

**Disclaimer:** _OMG, 17 days till HBP! That's my disclaimer. OH YES. 17171717171717. Aren't you EXCITED? –dies-_

**Author's Note:** _Okay, finally. Please don't kill me I haven't updated earlier! Don't flame, pleaseeeeee. I just couldn't update while it's been so hot – it's a bit distracting, yaknow. Something 'bout this chappie? It's not so dynamical, but I hope you'll like it. Yeah, well. I don't expect everyone to like my story – you can't be universally popular. Just like good ol' Dumbledore said to Hagrid – "if you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a long time." He's right. And I agree. Woohoo. Still, I do have rights to hope you'll enjoy what I write. It's my story, after all. I write what I think & feel I should. Suggestions are welcome, though. All right, enough of this babbling._

_Love you all who reviewed, even that one person who didn't like the last part, LOL. So a big biiiiiiiig thanks to **Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, starburstsweetie, Shuffle Queen, HermioneLuna, MrS-SiRiUs-BlAck, UnforseenShadow, Bhekie, the-girl-named-kittie, starryfaerie, Sarrie, xXxShellyxXx, Leftover Jackson, Annieboo92, Ladt-Elizabeth4242, the-power-of-love, chocoholicbookworm, Maykwa, YamikiofAnime, Bosco19, asdfjkl; (**MY FLAMER, YAY! LOL**), MaraudahLily, Luvin'it, harajoukugirl, LittleWinterGirl, GlitterGreen, bookwormgirl19, Nuclearphysics, beachbabe17, Snuffy ...**_

_Ready? Go!_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 12 – Meet the Evans (part 1)**

"Sirius, get out of there already!" cried Remus, knocking desperately on a door of their small bathroom. "Show some mercy, I'm begging you! Do understand my strong craving for a matinee bath! You know it's the most effective way for me to completely wake up."

"And sober down," added a muffled voice from the other side of the door.

"How many times must I repeat that I, unlike you, did_ not _get drunk last night!" exclaimed Remus, irritated, suddenly feeling hot and confounded. "I was cheerful and chatty because I was in holidays mood. It had nothing to do with your smuggled Blinking Rums. And stop snickering. I know you're doing it, even though I can't see you!"

"Mister Moonlover claims he didn't get drunk, yet he did try to kiss me on our way back to the dorm," Sirius said, sounding amused. "Is he, by any chance, suggesting he wanted to do it free-willingly? Oh, Moony, I'm flattered."

"I didn't try to _kiss_ you!" protested Remus. "More like, I was trying to bite you! Oh, come on, Sirius, let me in, I really _require_ that shower!"

"You can require it as much as you wanna," Sirius didn't give up, "but I still need to do the urgent discharging of all the yucky stuff from my guts. The mixture of everything I ate and drank on that Christmas feast last night... well, it ain't pretty. The more you nag, the longer it'll take."

Remus frowned. "Spare me the details and hurry up."

"Meanwhile, check the present I got you. It's in the drawer, next to the bed."

"You got – what –" Remus mumbled, off line. He walked to the drawer and opened it cautiously, as though it was about to explode. _You can never be too careful around Sirius_ - that had been Remus's motto for the past seven years. He took out a rectangle shaped object which was clumsily wrapped in festival cellophane and grinned. "Imaginative, Padfoot," he yelled. "I'd never expect a book."

Sirius tried to say something, but he only managed to let a bunch of incoherent words mixed with intension and stress.

"Ugh, Sirius," Remus said, disgusted. "Don't even bother speaking. I can tell it's rough in there. Just keep your chin up, mate!"

"ShtyomouthRms."

Remus decided to ignore the charmless sounds that were coming out of the bathroom and open the gift instead. _A book_. He was right about that one, but he would have never guessed what the book had been about.

"_Brazilian Jiu-jitsu Bible_," he read out loud, trying his best not to start laughing. "_Your Guide to Successful Self Defence_. Very thoughtful of you, Padfoot. Practical, too. And I mean it. This is probably the best gift you've ever got me! Unlike that last year's one. I've never even tried those thongs on."

A new flow of gibberish gabbling filled the air. Remus translated it as "_you're welcome mate, but please labba-gabbi-dabba-bleurgh_."

"Sirius, I begged you not to speak while... doing whatever you're doing," Remus replied, still grinning at the Christmas present he had got from Sirius.

Somebody knocked and Remus went to open the door of his and Black's dorm. "James, Evans, happy Christmas!"

"' Christmas, mate," replied James, looking hurried. "Where's Sirius?"

"Hear the lovely groaning?" Remus asked, whilst Lily and James nodded. "That's Sirius, struggling to survive the consequences of consuming too much butterbeers, Sparkle Vodkas, grilled chicken and French fries."

"Nasty," affirmed James, looking sick. "I'd stay and cheer for him, but can't. Apparently, I'm leaving for Lily's house to meet her parents."

Remus's jaw nearly dropped. "You two are pretty serious about this whole marriage thing, aren't you?"

"Well, _Matrimonium Alveum_ obviously is," shrugged James, smiling. "Therefore, I guess, we are too. Meeting her parents is my task, actually. The Christmas card destined the meeting, so... ya know, who am I to fight the destiny?"

"James," Lily mildly reminded, showing her wrist watch. "The train's leaving in 15 minutes."

Remus glanced towards Lily, suddenly realizing she had been oddly staring at him throughout the whole conversation with James.

"Mate?" he said, looking alarmed. "Can I see you in private, please? Won't last long."

"Er, sure," replied James and the two of them went away from Lily. "What's up? Got problems with Padfoot? Need a marriage counselor? I thought I told ya I didn't wanna know any particularities 'bout your shared life."

"Lily gave me _the look_," Remus said, keeping his voice as down as possible.

James raised his eyebrow. "What kind of look would that be?"

"The '_poor you_' look," Lupin replied, frowning. "What do you have to say about that?"

"I... I'm not following you, Moony. Sorry. Try speaking English, I'm not too good at Lithuanian."

"It was the '_poor you, being a werewolf must be difficult_' look," Remus hissed. "I'm pretty sure you'll be the one to tell me why it happened."

"There's no such thing as '_poor you, being a werewolf must be difficult_' look," James said apprehensively. "Maybe you decoded it wrongly. Maybe it was a '_poor you, spending so little time with James lately_' lo--"

"I know what I saw." Remus cut him off. "I'll be direct and I expect even more direct answer from you - did you or did you not tell Evans about my.. condition?"

"I really have no idea what you're..." James avoided Remus's look, but he couldn't lie to him. "Oh, all right. If you really must now... well, I had to do it."

"What! What do you mean you had to do it? You didn't have to do it! You only have to die, everything else can be prevented in one way or another!" Remus shouted, nearly overpowering Sirius's unattractive moaning. He nervously looked at Lily, who faintly smiled at him, trying to look as innocent as possible. Remus figured she had already realized their subject of discussion, but he couldn't force himself to keep his voice down.

"Moony, I didn't want to, but I had no other choice. I got a card with a truth spell last night and Lily wanted to know how we got our interesting nicknames... so, you see, there was no way out. Believe me, I fought it, but the spell was too strong! The words were literally flying out of my mouth!"

"But she..." Remus mumbled, looking crushed. "D'you realize she knows now? She _knows_. That's... well that's just... not _encouraging_ at all... Now wonder she's been looking at me like that..."

"Remus, the way I see it – better a 'poor you' look than a scared one. Or imagine a glance filled with hatred! Now that would be discouraging! Lily could be frightened to death now that she knows she's in a close vicinity to a wild animal. Nothing personal, Moony, but it could seem that way. Or she could've been an insane werewolf hater trying to make you a funeral fire, for all we know. People like that do exist and you're very well aware of it. Instead, Lily's on your side, feeling your pain. Shouldn't that be somewhat comforting?"

"Tick-tock, tick-tock," announced Lily, still trying to look as though she had no idea what the boys were talking about.

James gave Remus a live smile as he joined his wife again. "Lily won't tell. The Potters don't blurt out secrets in their own free will! She'll keep the secret safe, I swear on my good ol' fancy broomstick and even fancier _Broom Speeder_ she got me. Quite amazing present, really! Can't wait to try it out!"

"Nine minutes and we're still on the third floor." Lily's voice started to sound slightly panicky. "Won't be too nice if we miss the train."

"All right, really must go now. Tell Sirius to try with _Hangover Fighter Brew_. It should help. See you in a couple of days... and watch our for the mistletoes!"

Lily tenderly looked at Remus once again and whispered: "I'll never find full moon as appealing as I used to. I truly hope the transfiguration's not as painful as it sounds..."

Remus gave her a long look. "It's far worse."

"Then you're lucky to have these fine lads to be there for you, right Moons?" James said cheerily, before he and Lily disappeared through the door of Lupin's and Black's dormitory.

* * *

The journey went pleasantly for the young couple. _Hogwarts Express_ wasn't entirely full because most of the students had chosen to stay at Hogwarts during this Christmas break -- _Matrimonium Alveum_ had obviously had great impact on half of the school. Nearly everyone who took part in the game wanted to stay with their destined ones during the holidays.

Lily and James were happy they got a free compartment only for themselves, so they used it maximally. The time passed in loud chatting, laughing, energetic playing of Exploding Snap, a few random spells were cast on each other and James's presentation of some fireworks was pretty fun too.

After several hours of rhythmical jolting on the train, the scarlet steam engine began to slow down, finally pulling in at platform nine and three quarters.

James observantly looked all around him as they got off the train and headed for the enchanted barrier.

"What are you looking for?" asked Lily.

"Evans number two, of course. Along with the seniors."

Lily laughed. James looked at her, blinking. "They are greeting you on the Kings Cross, right? Christmas day and all, not to mention the cold weather... They're on the other side of the barrier waiting for us in their weird Muggle car. Close to the truth?"

Lily looked wistful.

"Mum... and Dad would've probably been here, yeah, definitely... and as for Petunia... I reckon she'd rather let a bulldozer run over her manicured fingernails than greet me. And let's not forget the fact she spends all of her pocket money to get her nails polished in a shocking red shade. No wonder she wouldn't be too happy to see them ruined..."

James stared at Lily and didn't even notice they had already stepped through the barrier and entered the Muggle world.

"You said... you said your parents _would've_ come," James sounded suspicious. "As if you didn't finish that sentence--"

"Ah, well," Lily said casually, "That's because they don't know I'm coming home. Thought I'd give them a little Christmas surprise. Taxi! Over here!"

* * *

Three quarters of hour later, a yellow Muggle taxi stopped in a quiet London suburb, right in front of an average middle-class family house. Lily paid the driver (_James offered galleons and knuts, but the driver looked at him oddly for some unexplainable reason_), grabbed their bags (_James would have done it for her, but he was still trying to slide the wizarding money into confused chauffeur's hands... unsuccessfully_) and she and James stepped out of the car in a cold, but still quite pleasant evening.

James noticed there were numerous blurry stars scattered across the cloudless winter sky. He immediately grew fond of the fact there was no sign of snow.

Lily breathed deeply, letting the chilly air fill her lungs thoroughly. As she told James to follow her up the red brick path, she couldn't restrain herself from smiling. It's not that she had missed home – Hogwarts was, possibly, her favourite, cardinal and irreplaceable spot ever- but seeing her own house after a few months of being away felt slightly... _weird_. Especially at Christmas time.

"Home, sweet home." said James gently, noticing Lily's cheerful grin.

"Guess so", she responded, shrugging slightly. "Now, would you, please, be just a little bit more – _shhhh?_ We'll go in through the back door and I'd like not to be heard."

"Why do I suddenly feel like a burglar?"

Lily nudged James with her elbow, showing him to quiet down.

"I get it now! This is not your house at all and you're simply using me to rob it! One tip, sister - _I_ snatch the money and _you_ grab the jewelry. Meet you in half an hour near that hydrant. Stuff the prey in your pants. Or bra. It's the safest way."

Lily shot him a warning glance. James snickered, but stopped babbling. Lily appreciated it greatly.

"If you want a proof this really is my house," whispered Lily as they reached the back door. "check the writing near the door frame."

James glimmered towards a slippery infantine writing. "_Rbert and Lili siting in a three. K-I-S-S-S-I-N-G._"

"For all I know," murmured James, trying not to start laughing at Lily's bad spelling. "this could be that _Rbert_ bloke's house as well."

"Actually, his house is the first to your left. Unless you wanna tell me you think I could've owned that kind of mansion... then this one's definitely my home."

James looked sideways. Apparently,_ Rbert's _family possessed a big, fancy Victorian house with lots of lightened windows. There were large preserved esplanades front and rear and three spacious garages with names of each family member on them. James had a feeling _Rbert_ led quite a luxurious life. Somehow, he couldn't help but imagine the guy having a brand new red, shiny Rolls-Royce, which secretly, James had always wanted to try out.

"Come on," murmured Lily, rousing James from his thoughts. "We haven't come here to freeze ourselves outside."

James nodded and they slipped in the hallway. Lily and James noiselessly left their light baggage on the floor and Lily entered the lounge.

The first thing she saw was her mother kneeling in one corner of the room, devotedly rearranging flower-pots and plants, humming some Christmas carol absent-mindedly. Lily recognized it as "_What Child is This_". She remembered loving that song. It reminded her of all those long past years when she and Petunia were just little girls who enjoyed ornamenting Christmas trees with their parents, listening to carols and singing them altogether. _When did that happen last? Ten years ago? Twelve?_ Lily couldn't remember. It seemed like an ancient history to her.

"That Christmas flower is blooming real nice." she said smoothly, noticing her mother's shoulder's tightened the moment she heard Lily's voice.

"I'm taking a good care of it," responded the dark-haired woman and turned around, her green eyes meeting Lily's exact same pair. "Oh, dear Lord, _Lily_! You... _here_? Home for Christmas? That's... that's... oh, Lily, it's such a beautiful surprise!"

Lily nodded and hugged her mother tightly, grinning. "Happy Christmas, Mum."

"Happy Christmas, dear," Rose Evans smiled from her heart. "Why didn't you notify us you'd be coming? I'd clean the whole house and--"

"Mum," Lily said mildly. "It's alright. Everything's fine. I'm only staying for a day or two. Also, I've brought a friend to stay over."

"Oh, right, you know I love guests! Is it Clementine? Or Flora?"

Lily frowned. "No, definitely not Flora. I don't think I'll call her my friend ever again. Don't ask, please, long story. An unfinished story, too. I'll tell you more later. Oh and it's not Clem either."

"Then who is it, dear?" the woman insisted. "Don't let her stay in the hall any longer, she may catch a cold. You know it's not the warmest part of the house. Tell her to come inside and take the chill off near the fireplace."

"Mum, er... d'you remember... James Potter?"

James entered the room, flashing one of his most charming smiles. Lily noticed his hair was messier than it had been, so she figured he must have ruffled it seconds before.

"Good evening, Mrs. Evans," he said politely, offering a hand. "How d'you do?"

Rose Evans was slightly caught off-guard. "Well, I must say I've heard a thing or two about you over the past years, young lad. How's... Quidditch going?"

"Very well, thank you. Lily," he turned to his destined wife, eyeing her amusedly. "you've never mentioned you've spoken about me?"

She snickered. "You've never asked. Mum, where's Dad? And Petunia? It's Christmas... and you seem to be all alone, " said Lily, almost disapprovingly. "Are they upstairs?"

"Ah, you know your father, dear," Mrs. Evans faintly smiled. "Once a workaholic, always a workaholic. He had some business at the bookstore, so he had to take care of it. As for Pet, well, ever since we've got new neighbours, she's spending less and less time at home. Don't tell her I told you," Lily's mother added amusedly, "but I think she fancies that chubby son of theirs."

Lily's eyes widened. _In shock_, noticed James. "You're saying Petunia... actually likes... somebody! Oh, dear, that's... well... good for her, then, I guess."

Somehow, James had a feeling Lily wanted to finish that sentence with '_disastrous_' or '_catastrophic_', but her good manners didn't let her do it.

"Besides," Mrs. Evans cheerfully added, looking at James and Lily. "I'm not alone now, am I? You two are making me company. Also, I'm expecting both of them to come home for dinner. Oh and, don't take amiss because I must now one thing," she said curiously, irresistibly reminding James of an eager child. "Am I be too big of a snoop when I ask if you two are... you know... _going out_? Together? As a couple?"

James didn't know why, but he suddenly felt there was no point to hesitate. Mrs. Evans made him feel comfortable and relaxed. He knew he could directly tell her the bare truth. Snickering proudly, he spoke in his most solemn voice:

"Actually, Mrs. Evans, Lily and I are married. Happily and contentedly."

* * *

"Your Mum's so cool!" thrilled James as he helped Lily set the guest room in order. He fired a few useful charms around and soon, the room was stored. "She's so youthful, and chatty and you two seem real close! Like, like... _friends_, even," he said worshipfully. "Methinks she liked me! I told you it'd be easy to charm your folks, didn't I?"

Lily beamed. "Well, yeah... Mum _is_ one of my best friends. She likes the same things as I do. Can be a bit snoopy sometimes, but still a fabulous ally. I like to share my secrets with her. She's like a..." Lily paused, trying to find a right word. "Something like a moving diary here, I'd say."

James thought about it for a second. "Can't imagine how it must feel."

"Why?" asked Lily, fondly stroking James's hair. "Aren't you close to your parents? At least one of them?"

James slowly shook his head. "It's... well, different. The relationships are... _different_."

"What do you mean? How different?"

"Well--"

"Kids!" Lily's mother yelled from downstairs, interrupting their conversation. "The dinner's ready! You father will be here any moment, I heard his car. And I think I see Petunia coming our way too!"

Lily sighed slightly, fixing James with her emerald eyes.

"You'll tell me later. Now I want you to know meeting Mum was a piece of cake. Much harder part's here... Petunia is, well, _you'll see_. And Dad... he's... well... Does my Mum remind you of somebody?"

"Yeah," James openly responded, giving her an honest smile. "She looks quite a bit like you."

"Thought so," replied Lily earnestly. "The same way, Petunia reminds everyone a lot of my Dad. I'll cross my fingers that Potter charm of yours doesn't stop working now."

"It won't." said James solidly.

"All right, then. Here we go."

* * *


	13. Meet the Evans part 2

**Disc, disc, disclaimer:** _Whole 12 days till HBP is released, people. 12, only 12. 12 12 12. I find it quite unbelievable! Good Lord, TWELVE. Muahahahaha. Awesome. Long live JKR! P.S. Can't you tell I'm excited?_

**Author's Note:** _I updated so quickly this time, didn't I? Feelin' proud, haha. Took me a few days only. Well, what can I say? Rain truly does wonders to my inspiration: I'm writing like insane, LOL. _

_So, what is to be expected in this chappie? As you already know, it's the part two of 'Meet the Evans' and, well, you shall see. There's a black sheep in every family. (like you didn't know that already) Anyhootles, just be sure to tell me what you think and I'll love you all forever and ever. Ok? OKAY. Yahoo._

_Of course, a big huge shiny 'I adore you' goes to my wonderful reviewers: **Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, Charity Firewarden, SodaFizZz19, sarah, starburstsweetie, Bhekie, The Cookie, the-girl-named-kittie, BrownEyes90, Lady-Elizabeth4242, the-power-of-love, YamikiofAnime, Luvin'it, dawn, quickwolf, LittleWriterGirl, monkicraziemprez, GlitterGreen, Snuffy, ina, luv nikki, It is sam, luminus ...**_

_And now – let's get the ball rollin', shall we?_

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 13 – Meet the Evans (part II)**

Mrs. Evans took out a festival table cloth which had tiny silver snowflakes printed on and spread it evenly across the dinner table. James insisted on helping with forks, spoons and knives and Lily said she would take care of the plates. Rose Evans lit a few red candles, providing a relaxing and cozy atmosphere. Lily smiled to herself. Her mother had never stopped caring about little and supposedly insignificant details, especially when it came to making the best out of holidays and family tradition.

"So, how's it going between you two newlyweds?" Mrs. Evans said, trying to sound as casual as possible, when in fact, she yearned to hear details about their fresh teenage marriage. "Everything working all right? Not bickering too often, I hope?"

James snickered. "Nope, m'am, we've managed to overcome the bickering part. It's all about kick-boxing now."

Lily, who was putting a plate near James, pinched him on the arm.

"Oi! Did you see what she just did to me, Mrs. Evans? That's exactly what I'm talking about. No wonder I have bruises all the time!"

"Wimp", teased Lily.

Rose Evans laughed. "Lily's always been slightly aggressive. If she wasn't a witch, I'm sure she'd follow her father's steps."

James looked confused. "But isn't Mr. Evans in books business? Lily told me he's a big shot in world of literature and books. I can't see how it can be connected to aggression--"

"What I didn't tell you," said Lily, placing the final plate on the table. "Is that Dad used to be in the army a long time ago. The job with books came much later."

"Army and books?" repeated James out loud. "Interesting combination."

"Try deadly," Lily corrected him, but as soon as she saw James's eyes going wide, she quickly kissed him on his cheek. "I'm just joking. He's not bad at all," she said and whispered in his ear: "It's my sister you should dread."

"All right, the dinner and salads are served." Rose Evans announced, satisfied.

As though their watches had been synchronized, the same moment the three of them finished making the table, the front doors of the house swung open.

* * *

James's palms were inadvertently sweating while he, Lily and her mother were waiting for the two expected persons to enter the kitchen.

He rubbed his hands against his trousers, feeling much more stiff than usual. Rose Evans caught James's eye and gave him an encouraging smile, as though she knew how awkward he had felt. Her steady look was undeniably telling him everything would be alright. Somehow, James's instincts were disagreeing. No matter how confident he had been before, he couldn't forget the tone Lily used whenever she'd talk about Petunia Evans.

A sound of water flowing filled the air and Lily presumed her sister must have gone to bathroom to wash her hands first.

After leaving his winter coat in the hall, Lily's father entered the kitchen, completely unaware of James's and his other daughter's presence. Physically, Mr. Evans was at home now, but it seemed as though he had still been at work in mind.

Mr. Evans was a tall man, strongly built and bony, with a large neck standing straight on his wide shoulders. James's first impression was he looked imposing and commanding, but slightly worn away as well. _Possibly as a result of working too much_, he thought.

"Perfect timing, Dad. You've come home just in time for dinner", Lily grinned at her father. "Your favourite roasted feathery friend is already waiting for you."

"_Lully_!" the man looked entirely gobsmacked.

James raised his eyebrows. _Lully? _Lily signalized him to shut up.

Mr. Evans stared a few moments at her before approaching his daughter and embracing her strongly.

"Rose, you forgot to tell me about her visit! Well, welcome home, dear. When did you come? All's well at school, I presume? Still one of the best in your class? Good, good, I didn't expect any less of you."

"Stephen, don't jump into conclusions. I didn't know anything about her visit either", Mrs. Evans said, giving her husband a quick peck on the cheek. "I was surprised as much as you are now."

"Dad," Lily said gently, gesturing towards James. "this is James Potter. He'll be making us company till I'm here."

James desperately tired to look as calm as possible. "Nice to meet you..." he said and, suddenly remembering Mr. Evans used to be in the army before, immediately added: "_sir_."

Stephen Evans watched him for a few moments, saying nothing in return. His face showed no expression, but James had a terrible feeling Mr. Evans would raise his voice any moment now and demand to know who James was, what he was doing at _his_ house and why he was trying to eat _his_ roasted chicken.

Swallowing a dumpling, James tried to smile in his well known you-can't-resist-me-no-matter-how-hard-you-try way, but Mr. Evans's watchful eyes prevented it.

_Merlin dearest, if he doesn't look away in a second or two, my eyes are going to start leaking all over the kitchen, I swear._

On James's noticeable relief, Stephen Evans's thin lips began to form something that reminded James of a smile. A rusty one, but still a smile.

"Good to finally see a male at this house," he stated, still measuring James from head to heals. "One thing, though, son. You don't have to call me sir. Makes me feel old and grumpy and nobody likes old and grumpy. I'm guessing you're one of Lily's Hogwarts _buddies_, right?"

James quickly looked at Lily, who gave him a nearly unnoticeable nod.

"Yeah, buddy, sort of", he confirmed.

"Don't think I didn't see that nod of yours, missy", Mr. Evans declared. "Conspiracy is not a very nice thing."

"There, there, Stephen", Rose said fondly. "No one's plotting against you."

"Dad still sometimes thinks there are spies everywhere", explained Lily, snickering. James laughed, but didn't think it was too funny at all. _Exactly what_ _I need right now... To be pronounced as a spy..._

"I think I've heard unfamiliar voices. Have we got guests?" a shrill female voice asked and a tall girl joined them.

James immediately realized what Lily had thought when she had said Petunia reminded everyone of Mr. Evans.

She had the same glow-less brown eyes, long scrawny neck and thin lips. Even the way she moved showed great resemblance to Stephen Evans's motion. The girl was the authentic photocopy of Mr. Evans, except for the fact Stephen Evans was handsome, while Petunia was... well, James didn't really find her pretty. _Perhaps_, James thought, _it's because of that dispraising look on her face_.

However, James still expected Petunia to hug Lily, welcome her home or at least give any sign that she had noticed her sister was in the same room as her. None of that happened.

Instead, Petunia Evans's blank eyes rested on James's messy black hair.

She twitched, not even bothering to hide her loathing. He hastily checked his shoes, hands and sweater, but couldn't find anything wrong with them. Petunia didn't seem to share his opinion; she was still staring at James as though he was covered in slime.

"One of those, I presume", she coldly said through gritted teeth. _Camel teeth_, bethought James impudently.

He frowned. "One of what?" He didn't like the sound of her statement.

"_Those people_..." Petunia repeated, making a terrible grimace. "Your kind of people, Lily, am I right? Just what we all need. Should've stayed at the Dursley house longer, seems to me."

_Then why didn't you?_, thought James shamelessly.

"Good to see you too again, sister", Lily said unnervingly, forcing herself to continue breathing evenly.

"Petunia, what's that tone for?" Rose Evans said warningly. "Aren't you glad your sister could come home for Christmas?"

"As long as she doesn't do anything weird and unplanned... I might breathe somehow."

"Petunia," Stephen Evans forewarned. "Do try not to argue. Lily won't be staying for long."

"Thankfully." Petunia Evans muttered to herself.

"Your hair..." Lily said in disbelief, goggling at Petunia's head. "You've _dyed_ it. You're a blonde now!"

"I've always despised the carrot redness."

"But it's our natural colour", objected Lily. "There's nothing wrong with it. I have it too!"

Petunia looked Lily straight in the eyes. "_Exactly_."

Lily seemed hurt.

James had a strong urge to jump across the table, smack Petunia straight across her horsy face and hug Lily tightly, but something told him Mr. Evans wouldn't be thrilled with the idea at all.

"Everything as abnormal as always at your precious... _Frogwarts_?" Petunia asked, forming a repelling smile.

Lily energetically stabbed a piece of meet with a fork. "What's it to you? Your Haggerstone is as dull as ever. Now wonder you're fitting in so well."

Petunia's sneer disappeared and her voice began to tremble. "At least I'm not a... a... _freak _like yourself!"

"_Girls..._" Rose Evans began, but they didn't listen. James wriggled on his chair, not quite sure if he should say anything. None of the girls seemed to notice any of the commotion they were creating – both of them were too busy glaring at each other.

"_Ugh, Petunia_!" snapped Lily loudly. "Will you ever get over that inferiority complex of yours and go on with your life? I'm not your enemy, realize that!"

"_Then stop acting like one_!" Petunia responded equally loud. "Nobody with a stupid magic wand, some hocus-pocus black magic and a witch hat can be considered _decent_!"

Lily snorted. "If you'd only let me show you, you'd comprehend that what I do is far from black magic--"

"Don't you dare take out your wand anywhere near me!" Petunia was nearly hysterical now.

James gaped, his mouth slightly opened, unable to believe the issues that girl had. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were mute as well – no matter how badly they wanted to order their daughters to stop fighting, they also knew it was the best to let them end their conflict by themselves. Rose Evans knew very well Lily and Petunia weren't babies any more – no, they were old enough to solve their own problems, quarrels and disagreements and all Mrs. Evans ever wanted was that her daughters would stop breaking her heart – in one way or another.

Lily sighed deeply, refusing to blurt out all the vicious words that had started to pile up since Petunia's first stinging provocation. She closed her eyes, telling herself to pacify and act maturely, just like she had always done. Anyone who would look at her at that moment could positively tell she couldn't continue fighting – couldn't and _wouldn't_.

"You know what, Petunia," Lily said as she opened her eyes, sounding tired, but conciliating. "I don't care. I just can't do it any longer. I didn't come here to argue with you, especially not on Christmas evening. It's clear as air that you'll never face the fact my friends and I are not insane. Well, _fine_! _Whatever_. Believe whatever you want to believe in, stay satisfied with your perfect predictable little life, forget that I'm your sister, _whatever_. If that's what you want, then _fine_. Just, please, do not ruin a perfectly good moment because of your, mildly saying, _unbelievably wrong ideas_. Can you do that much? Can you at least pretend everything's alright between us until I go away again? If you can't do it for me, then do it for this family's sake. Forget about us for a second, and think about our parents, Petunia. We owe them that much. So, can you do it? _Can you_?"

Petunia Evans didn't respond. She was too shaken to say anything. Or too proud, perhaps. Lowering her look, she only succeeded to give Lily a small nod.

"Thank you", Lily said dryly. "_Sister_."

Goose-bumps strolled all over James's body, sending chills up and down his spine. If this had such impact on him, he couldn't imagine how it must have been for Mr. and Mrs. Evans.

James inconspicuously glanced towards Lily's mother. He could swear he had seen bright tears welding up in her beautiful green eyes. Her lips wavered, but she managed to stay collected as she whispered: "The chicken's beginning to run cold. Let's eat or James may think I'm a terrible cook if he tastes one of those completely frozen chicken legs."

"Don't worry about that Rose", Mr. Evans responded, trying to sound as calm as possible. "I've already took care of all the chicken legs. I'm afraid James will have to satisfy himself with pure white meat."

* * *

Lily had been lying in her bed for hours, staring at the moonlit ceiling, unable to close her eyes or clear out her messy thoughts. Oh, she _had_ been tired, there was no doubt about that. The journey had exhausted her; the cold weather had tired her a lot too, but for some reason, the_ bloody damned stupid evil annoying _sleep just wouldn't come to her. And she knew very well what reason was that. 

A door of her bedroom slightly opened and somebody snuck in.

"Troubles with sleeping", James whispered as he knelt near Lily's pillow.

"Try some sedatives", replied Lily monotonously, staring at the darkness around her. "A potion made of chamomile, hops, lavender, passion flower, valerian, wild lettuce, California poppy, kava kava and St. John's Wort is quite a powerful cure for insomnia too."

"You know I wasn't talking about me", James said quietly. "You sure you're okay, Lily?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" she quickly responded, only proving James's suspicions correct.

"She's a real basilisk."

"_Who is_?"

"Lily, don't pretend you're not feeling anything. I know you are. Even Snivellus wouldn't be completely frosty after that."

"Well, the chicken _was_ a bit cold, now that you've mentioned it. Sorry 'bout that. Mum usually makes it unbelievably crunchy--"

"Lily. Stop eating your heart out because of her. She's obviously one of the Muggle-Muggles, people who refuse to accept the truth about wizards and witches even when they're forced to face it. Remus once told me about it. Seems like his Muggle Studies came in handy after all."

"I don't see how Lupin's knowledge is going to fix the fact my sister hates me."

James sighed. "You're right, it won't. I was just trying to point out you shouldn't blame yourself because of it. You've done nothing wrong, Lily. You're a sister anyone would love to have! Well, _I wouldn't_, but it's only because you couldn't marry me then. It'd be a tad unnatural, ya know. Incest issues and all." James paused, waiting to see if Lily's stony expression had changed. He thought he saw a glimpse of a smile and took it as a good sign; _then again_, he thought, _it could have easily been a shadow too._

Lily stayed quiet for a while, but James could hear her disjointed breathing. After some time of watching each other in silence, Lily finally spoke: "Still convinced my family's so great?"

James nodded, gently landing a palm over Lily's hand. "Your Mum is the best Mum there is and your Dad's quite alright too, even if I'll never forgive him for demolishing all the chicken legs. He's nothing like Petunia... except for the fact they look alike a lot. Want my honest opinion, by any chance?"

"_More than ever._"

James smiled lovingly at her. "You're so much more of their daughter than she will ever manage to be."

Lily tried to respond something, but her throat stiffened and no sound came out. Still kneeling, James moved closer to her. He was able to feel her warm breath only inches away from him. Bending slightly, James tenderly brushed his lips against Lily's, feeling her inaudible salty tears dampening his face. "I really meant what I said last night", he added hoarsely once they parted.

She shivered with fever and swallowed hard. "I... I know. And even though it may not always seem that way, I... _I feel the same way, James_." She broke off for a several jiffs. "_I love you too_."

It was James's turn to be silent now.

"James? _James_? Still there? I've just contrived to say the first real '_I love you_' in my entire life and you, _you fell asleep_."

"Actually", James finally whispered. "I wanted to shriek like a Banshee, jump ecstatically all round the house, run down the stairs, wake up the entire street and kiss every man and woman, including _Rbert..._ but, somehow, I thought your family and the rest of the suburb wouldn't exactly appreciate it... considering it's nearly three o'clock in the morning and all."

Lily chuckled. "I must say I like the answer."

"Thought you might", mused James. "I'm completely under your control now, miss. Tell me, what do you want me to do? Massage your legs? Entertain you? Slay your sister? I'd do _anything_."

"Tempting, but since I have a choice... what I'd want the most is..." she began, but stopped right away. "You sure you'd really do _anything_?"

"Uh-huh", responded James insecurely, remembering how he had to blurt out everything about Marauders. "I mean, sure. This time there are no excuses."

"Neat", nodded Lily, satisfied. "Could you, please please please, introduce me to your family?"

James blinked. "_You don't want that._"

"I do."

"You sure you wouldn't rather want me to stand on my head for you and wiggle my toes?"

"I really wish to meet the Potters."

"But they... they..."

Lily elevated an eyebrow. "James Potter, you're not ashamed of me, are you?"

"White Merlin, no!" James responded, hissing. "Don't be ridiculous, Lily. It's just that... my parents... they've never actually been in a close contact with a... _well_..."

Lily decided to help. "With a Muggle born."

James blew. "Right."

"Then I say it's a perfect time for it, don't you think? First thing in the morning. Using Floo Powder through my fireplace. Why looking so confused? It's connected to the Floo Network. I can already tell it'll be a funky surprise for them."

"Yeah, funky indeed. Well, your wish is my command", shrugged James and then groaned. "Ugh, my knees are in a serious spasm. _Ugh_. I'm not feeling them any more. Oh, the agony."

"You Cry-Baby", snickered Lily. "I'll let you climb up here, just stop whining."

"Aye, thought you'd never offer", grinned James triumphantly. He straightened himself and slid between the spread and blankets beside Lily. "Mmmmm, warmth."

"James... You really meant what you'd said about me?" Lily asked quietly as she closed her eyes. "And my parents?"

"Unquestionably", whispered James tranquilizing and kissed Lily lightly on forehead. "Sleep now. You've been tired hours ago. You need rest. G'night,_ Lully_."

* * *

"You absolutely sure, Lily?" Rose Evans sounded sinister when James and Lily came down to the living room the next morning to say goodbye. Both of them had already had their bags with them and their faces contoured a clear farewell. Quite naturally, she didn't enjoy the fact her daughter had decided to leave their house at a snap. "But, darling, you only came yesterday!"

"I know, Mum, I know", Lily nodded cheerlessly. "I really wanted to stay, but I've thought about it well over night and decided it'd be better not to. I hope you understand why I must do it..."

Rose Evans heaved a dead weight moan. "Wish I didn't. That way it'd be a whole lot easier to let you go. You know how they say, _ignorance is bliss_. Sometimes I think those are the wisest words ever spoken. I really wish things were different between you two. But, believe me, she'll come around one day. You'll see. She just needs time."

"Ever so optimistic", Lily smiled at her mother as they hugged each other. "That's what I've always loved most about you, Mum. Take a good care of Dad and don't let him work too hard. Oh, and say hello to Bobby if you see him. Don't be jealous, James", added Lily as she noticed James's curious face. "He's just a friend."

"Me?" James sounded astonished. "Jealous? Of _Rbert_? The one who drives Rolls Royce? No way!"

"He doesn't drive Rolls", laughed Lily. "but I'm sure he'd be able to buy one."

"Comforting", frowned James. "Goodbye, Mrs. Evans. You've no idea how lucky I feel that I've met you. If I can be completely open, I think you're a fab person."

Rose smiled widely. "Likewise, James. Keep an eye on my girl, will you? Maybe I'll see you on summer holiday, if you decide to visit us again."

"Uh, thanks, but I'm not sure..."

"Petunia goes away to a summer camp every year", Lily explained.

"Then it's a deal." James grinned and took a hold of Lily's hand. She threw some Floo Powder and they stepped into the Evans fireplace.

"Safe journey, kids", Rose Evans said in a motherly voice, fighting her springing emotions. She didn't want to let her daughter see how hard it was for her to depart so shortly. "Enjoy your time together because it's all that matters. Everything else is secondary."

Lily and James gave her a broad grin and James yelled, loud and clear: "_Castellum Potterum, Locus Purgatus 23_."

Long after they disappeared in a flash of green flames, Rose Evans stayed in front of the fireplace, staring thoughtfully at fire and absent-mindedly humming the refrain of one of the Christmas carols she had loved most.

"_Lully lulla, thou little tiny child, bye bye, lully lullay..._"

* * *


	14. Of Poetry and Potters

**Dislaimer, after so long:** _JKR, after book 6... you've become the number 1 love of my life. Adopt me, please._

**Author's Note:** _OH, MY GOODNESS! Guess who is back? That's right, it's me, Milka Weasley, the girl you have all probably forgotten about. And I've finally updated this story which you have also prolly forgotten about. Well, what can I do? I haven't been at home during the entire summer holiday (sun, sea, love, fun... mmmmm...), so... I couldn't really update. But, I am back (because of school, blaaaaaaah) and I decided to write more. Anyhow, I am sure you haven't really missed this, because, let's face it, Half-Blood Prince must've occupied you really well, hehe. (best book ever, if you ask me!) _

_Hopefully, though, you will leave a few reviews, just to ensure me I haven't been writing this only for myself... EEEEK._

_What do we have in this chappie? LOADS OF STUFF. A glimpse of James's house... a few Potters too... a funny Remus/Sirius part (the shippers will thank me)... and some more interesting thingies. Plus something you probably won't like (cliffies anyone?), but eh – I am EVIL, so get used to it, muahahaha. _

_Any clichés? Ah, whateva. :p_

_Incredibly huge thankyous to everyone who is still reading Not So Holy Matrimony and everyone who was patient enough to wait a couple of months till this chappie 14 came out. I love everyone who left a review for the previous chapter and the list of your names is right here:_

_**Snuffles Is Loony for Moony, blacksmoon, Countess Jackman, LittleWriterGirl, PickinWildFlowers, Lady-Eliazbeth4242, Bhekie, wizemunkee006, luv nikki, BrownEyes90, Charity Firewarden, YamikiofAnime, dawn, dawn is my name **(lol, the same person, but you did leave two reviews, mwah!)**, Choir Princess, radclifflover, Remmy ish mine, the-power-of-love, Annieboo92, SodaFizZz19, Simply Bewitched, SaSush33, Snuffy, cissy, luvin'it, Duck-a-roo, gabrielle004, LiLi, ...**_

_Forgive me for any mistakes or typos I've made. (there are probably like a thousand) Didn't have time to BETA it. :O Now, I leave you to read. Enjoy and leave a review in the end! Love._

**Not So Holy Matrimony**

written by**_ Milka-Weasley_**

**_

* * *

_**

**Chapter 14 – Of Poetry and Potters**

The moment Lily and James appeared in the other fireplace, a strange sensation of warm air began to dance across Lily's skin. She knew the flames couldn't have had any influence to her body, but the hot feeling wasn't abandoning her.

James glanced towards her and explained: "Deep south. Quite warm even for this time of year so I'm sure the change of climate is noticeable. Also, there's a lot of magic in the air, which makes it somewhat--"

"Thicker? Denser? More suffocating?" offered Lily knowledgeably. "I've studied the consequences of accumulating of magic, therefore I know what it does to air."

James chuckled. "Note to self – James, you're married to a brilliant witch. Never give her any extra information 'cause it's very likely she already knows it."

Lily shrugged, smiling. "Hogwarts Library has some pretty helpful books, that's all."

"You really _should_ spend way more time with Remus, have I told you that before?"

Lily looked around herself, interested. They were standing in a small room where everything seemed to be in its place. The furniture was old; but clean and maintained. _Daily polished_, presumed Lily. There were a couple of tiny chairs, one old miniature fashioned mirror, a small bed and a closet of the same dimensions. It appeared as though it was a bedroom of a very diminutive person.

"Young master Potter! You're _here_!" somebody screeched at the top of their lungs, making Lily jump in surprise.

She turned around to face a house-elf, wrapped in some sort of a hand-me-down piece of silky pink curtain. The elf grinned ecstatically and made a small bow, her blue eyes wide and alive.

"Oh, young master, Thinny knew the youngest Potter would come to visit us, sir! Thinny said to Speedy, she said, young master is coming to us, but he said I was being silly and stop drinking butterbeer, he said. Speedy said you never usually come home for Christmas, but Thinny knew, sir! Thinny knew! Welcome home, J. E. N. W. D. P, welcome home!"

"Thank you, Thinny. I can see you're still trying to prove your divination abilities. That's good."

"Trying, sir? No, not just _trying_!" the elf said in a singing voice, still hyper. "Thinny is _succeeding_, young Potter. Nearly succeeding, yes."

"J. E. W... _what the heck_?" Lily muttered in James's ear. "I'm feeling left out and it ain't feelin' pretty."

"Those are my initials."

"No, no," Lily shook her red hair, disagreeing. "The initials are two letters, three at most. And I've just heard... _a whole army of letters there_! It even sounds like some top secret CIA code."

James frowned. "Isn't that one of those Muggle intelligence agency sort of thingies?"

"Yeah, well," said Lily. "Can't exactly blame me for thinking you were plotting a freaky attack right in front of my face. It does sound a little suspicious for us uninitiated."

James laughed. "My full name's pretty long so it's quite practical to use the initials. How much time would you need to say _James Edit William Nefas Dignus Potter_ every time you wanted to call me?"

Lily gaped in shock. "Come again? That... that whole _story_ you've just recited is your _name_? I thought I knew your name at least... Seriously, it's... _novel-length_. How come I've never heard anyone calling you like that?"

"Not many people knows. Even Sirius is still convinced that _D_ stands for _Doofus_, instead of _Dignus_. Told him a billion times, but he just won't accept it. I'm being called by my initials only at home and not all the time. Many middle names is a common thing for pureblood families. You can earn five Galleons if you memorize my full name. Whaddaya say?"

Lily sneered. "I say - pass and stick to the good ol' short James version, thank you."

Thinny carefully listened to the young couple's conversation, absorbing everything intently and devotedly.

"Thinny knew you'd come, sir," the elf's singing voice was heard again. "but Thinny had no idea young master would also bring a lady companion with him! Thinny must keep practicing divination, she must!"

"Oh, right, I'm such a twat. Forgot to introduce you two earlier," James apologized. "I'm proud to present this lovely being to my left. Her name's Lily Evans and she's my--"

"_Lily Evans_!" Thinny screeched in excitement. "_The_ Lily Evans?"

Lily looked dumbfounded.

"I'm sure I'm not the Evans you're thinking of, Thinny... I mean, I'm not a well-known witch, especially not in pureblood circles--"

"But you must be the one, miss, you must be!" said Thinny resolutely. "When Thinny was cleaning she saw your name written all over young master's old books! There were hearts around your name and lots of stars too... Yes, Thinny is looking at you and she is convinced, those _are_ the green eyes Thinny read about. It must be you!"

Lily looked at James whose face got entirely flushed with redness. Her lips formed a huge smile. "Seems like I'm more famous than I thought. I take it somebody wrote something nice about my eyes?"

"Twasjustascribble," muttered James incoherently. "I suck at writing. Especially writing short-essay-thingies. Can we, please, change the subject? I don't enjoy the girl talks and you can obviously understand the reason. _Appreciated_. Thinny, where are my parents?"

"Madame Potter was reading a book at the _Camera Lectura, _but she received an urgent call so she had to leave at once."

"As usual", muttered James.

"... and Monsignor Potter is you-know-where. Master said she would be back before noon, but you can never know."

James thoughtfully ruffled his hair. "Actually, I don't know where he is, but nobody does, so it's okay."

Lily flashed a confused smile towards James. "What d'you mean?"

"He works for the Ministry. Just like my Mum. Only his job's – well, something like the Muggle CIA. I'm not sure what exactly. Never told us. He's not allowed to, but I have an idea or two of my own. Go figure."

"You mean," Lily said in veneration. "He's like... an - an _Unspeakable_?"

"Don't say that out loud, miss!" squeaked the elf. "Even the walls have ears!"

"Oops, sorry," said Lily quickly, glancing towards the stones and bricks around her. "It's just, there's so much I didn't know about you, James. So much I haven't even dreamed of! Every day I get more and more surprised."

"Which is a compliment, I'm sure. Well, what can I say, I'm a surprising man. Man full of surprises." Rambled James, beaming. "What do I do, ladies and gentlemen? I _surprise_."

"Yeah, yeah," Lily rolled her eyes. "What does your Mum do?"

"She's an Auror. You prolly undrestand why none of them have often been at house throughout my childhood," said James with a strange tone in his voice and, as he noticed a sign of compassion appearing in Lily's eyes, quickly added: "But I got used to it. My nanny Amalta Scott was always there for me, and Thinny and Speedy did a good job, too."

"You're too kind, young master." said Thinny, bowing.

"Guess meeting the Potters isn't going to happen, after all," concluded James dispassionately.

"The day's still not over," winked Lily, softly kissing the tip of James's nose. "And I remember you mentioning _Hall of Dead Potters_ once I've wanted to visit it ever since"

"That is a pretty morbid wish," teased James. "I hope you aren't expecting to see me there with the rest of the late family."

Lily naughtily shrugged. "One can only hope. Lead the way mister James Something Something Doofus Potter! Oh, don't make that hurt puppy dog expression – it's the only middle name I remembered. Sirius would be proud of me."

* * *

"_Voila! Bon appetite!"_

Sirius stared at his plate with a stunned look on his face. "Er, Moony?"

"Yes?"

"What is that black and muddy thing doing in my plate?"

Remus looked hurt. "That's your lunch, Sirius."

"My what!" yelled Sirius, disgusted. "I thought it was one of Wormtail's droppings! You don't seriously expect me to _eat_ that, do ya, Moony?"

Remus stayed silent for a few moments.

"I do expect you to eat that, yes. With enormous delight."

"But," cried Sirius, "it's scary, it stinks contagiously and 'tis entirely burnt down! What kind of a person are you, asking me to eat this meal from hell?"

"You ate worse as a dog."

"What if I've become rather picky about my food after yesterday's terrible stomach troubles?"

"And," responded Remus dryly. "what if I have spent my entire morning consulting the _Fat Ariel's Giant Magic Cook-Book for Dummies? _ I can't believe what a stupid prat I am. Why did I even bother? So I could throw it all?"

"No, 'course not! We can always... er... send it to our foul buddy Snivellus!" Sirius exclaimed, a vile smirk spreading across his face. "I bet it'll be the only present he'll get for Christmas. Not to mention we'll probably poison him too. Lethally, if we're lucky."

Remus stared at Sirius. "This was supposed to be my Christmas _Matrimonium Alveum_ task, Padfoot. Not a fatal meal for Snape."

"Tell you what, Moony" said Sirius, gently pushing the plate away. "I admire your effort and care, I honestly do, but maybe it's time for my part of the task. At least it's not black and dangerous—"

"Well, great", interrupted Remus grudgingly.

"There's always a possibility it'll make you feel better, too. Chin up, mate, it's not a big deal if you can't cook. Maybe it's better for both of us!"

"Yeah, right."

"No, no, just listen!" said Sirius energetically. "If we don't use the dishes, then there's not even the slightest chance I can get myself into a position to clean them, which we, you must remember, agreed I won't do."

"Brilliant," said Remus darkly.

"Every bad thing has its good side, Moony. How does that sound to you?"

"Pretentious and lame."

"Deep down you concur. Case closed. The lunch goes down the toilet. Ready for my masterpiece?"

"How can I be ready if I don't even know what your task was?" mumbled Remus. "You refused to show me your card, remember?"

"With a bloody good reason," said Sirius, grinning mischievously.

He dug in his pocket and seized a piece of parchment. He quickly skimmed through it, moving his lips as he did so.

Remus could see ink stains all over it. "What the heck is that?" he asked, trying to peek over Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius backed away from Remus. He quickly grabbed a quill and scribbled something on the parchment.

"Had to add that bit. All right, d-o-n-e! Moony, fasten your seatbelt and enjoy. _My destined one_, poem written by _Seriously Sexy Sirius_, the next Emily Dickens. _Hem, hem_."

Remus looked transfixed. "Did you say p – did you say _poem_, Sirius? A poem? You wrote a--? What is the world coming to? I must be losing my mind... And by the way, Padfoot, it's Emily _Dickinson_, not Dick--"

"Dickens, Dickinson, whatever. The root of the word's the same, if you know what I mean. The important thing's she was a good witch and a great poet. Or so I've heard. Either way, don't interrupt or I'll get a stage fright," added Sirius sternly. "As I was saying... The poem, yes, Moony,_ the poem_'s called _My destined one_ and it's created by me, myself and I. Here goes."

_This is a poem about my destined one  
He is not a she and that is pretty fun  
People might say that he is gay  
But I told him to chill out 'cause that's the way_

_He reads loads of books and knows 'em by heart  
And Merlin damn him, he's pretty smart  
He worries too much, but who can object  
When all these years he's been perfect  
Prefect, I mean, it's not what you think  
So don't you dare give me that wink_

_Every full moon he gets wild and hairy  
But is that a real reason not to marry?  
Surely not, trust me on this one,  
He's a fully tamed wolf when he's a human_

_I do have a few scars from his bites  
But all the newlyweds have their fights  
And although my destined one can't really cook  
You can freely say that he's a living book  
If you need info about Hogwarts: A history  
My Moony will tell you the whole darn story_

_And in the end, well, what can I say  
He's my beloved bride only, so beat it, ok?_

"Ta na na na, the end! Hope you enjoyed," Sirius finished, pleased with himself. "If you insist upon encoring, I'll be delighted to repeat the whole _chef-d'ouvre _again. _Merci_!"

He looked up at Remus with expectation in his eyes, but Remus stared blankly, not saying anything. His mouth was slightly opened and it seemed as though he had been in a trance for a while.

"Eh," sighed Sirius loudly. "I expected either an enthusiastic applause or a rotten tomato shot at my forehead, but the freaky silence wasn't on my list. If that's because I said '_he don't_' once, I assure you it was on purpose. I just liked it that way, it wasn't a terrible grammar mistake, I promise. It's called artist's freedom, ya know. -- Moony, you all right?"

Silence.

"You there?" Sirius waved a hand in front of Remus's face who didn't show any reaction. "Moony! Say something now or I'll shove your own lunch down your throat! And it wouldn't be a murder, because you've made it. Technically, you'd commit a suicide."

Remus's eyes made a slow movement. His eyelids shut for a split of second and when he raised his head up to Sirius again, the look in his eyes seemed much clearer than before.

"Up there, you said, at least I think you said..." Remus quietly began, his voice hoarse as though it had been affected by severe cold. He breathed. "D'you really think of me as..._perfect_?"

Sirius gave him his naughtiest grin. "My Godric, if I don't start choosing words more carefully, I'll turn you into a narcissist."

"Just say yes or no, Padfoot."

"'kay," said Sirius, unnoticeably heaving a deep breath. "I thought the poem would be self-explanatory, but since you've asked for it... Despite all of your imperfections, nagging, concerns and anxieties... well, Moony, I do think you're the best life companion anyone could ever have. 'specially me. Made your ego burst yet?"

"I don't have an ego," said Remus. "but perhaps this tingly feeling in my stomach means I'm not entirely disappointed with your explanation."

"The tingly feeling I've got in my stomach at the moment," added Sirius. "simply tells me I'm hungry."

"If you didn't refuse my lunch, you wouldn't be."

"I'd be dead."

"And If you didn't say that I'd admit the poem was pretty good. Now you won't hear it from me."

"Yeah?" Sirius grinned, satisfied. "Well, I'm super-talented for everything. Especially poetry, it seems. Although I don't think I could've written such hell of a poem if I didn't start visiting the Library a bit more often as of lately. Expanding my vocabulary and all..."

Remus smiled insecurely. "You know nobody asked you to change... You don't have to read books just because I—"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm not changing, Moony. I'm _improving_ meself. And it's not like I've been reading some philosophical studies or incredibly lengthy stuff. Just the regular literature--"

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Like... _Ten Miraculous Ways to Get Rid of Fleas for Ever._"

"Woah, you're right," said Remus in a false awe. "That one is a golden classic!"

"Ha-ha, laugh all you want, mister. I found it very useful. Wasn't that short, either!"

"I bet it's got 18 pages altogether. Counting the covers and illustrations."

Sirius sniggered. "_Bite me_."

Remus rejoined. "Think I won't?"

"Think you might," said Sirius pacifically. "To prove I've really started to read more, we'll go together and find some nice novel we'll both enjoy. Truce?"

"All right," said Remus, accepting the preposition. "Which book d'you have in mind, o' great and mighty reader? Something that'll appeal to both of us. Less fleas, more words?"

"I predict it'll be a suitable subject for both of us. The name itself is, eh, _promising_."

"What's it called?"

"Very peculiar and magnetic title," said Sirius as a smirk appeared on his face. "The book's called –fanfaronades, please- _Moby Dick_. I've got a few guesses what it's about. Don't you? 'specially because of the second word--"

"Oh, Sirius!" cried Remus desperately.

"What?"

Remus sighed, suddenly sounding exhausted. "You're deranged, Padfoot. Seriously mentally unbalanced."

"Thanks. I too hope you've spent your Christmas with a person you care about and that you'll have a very hairy New Year. What are we waitin' for? Let's read! One thing, though, do you think Madame Pince will let me bring a few meat pies with me? I seriously hope so, or I'll be forced to eat that Moby Dick mercilessly."

* * *

"Ah," said Lily as she moved towards a large sculpture of an old grizzly-haired woman, reading the name on a golden tablet. "So this is Grandmother Cecilia Potter. She must've been really beautiful, judging by the effigy. You have her lips, James." 

"I told him that too," said the statue. "Thank you for the compliment, dear. It's been quite a while since I've got one."

Lily quickly turned to James, confused. "It – she can talk?"

"Yes, my dear," the statue responded politely. "Of course I talk. You don't expect me to stand here all day doing nothing, do you?"

"Well, no, no, I don't. Nice to meet you."

"You too, dear. If you ever need somebody to talk to, just come here. The rest of the statues and portraits aren't really... well... _impressing_ any more, you know. I don't think they were impressing even when they were alive, come to that. Same old stories, same old faces..." she sighed heavily, her voice trailing off. "The living Potters don't spend too much time here, either. Not even my son or grandson, for that matter. Well, James, that is true and you know it. But, why would they come? They have their lives to lead and all we've got are these preserved memories of us..."

"Hey, hey, you two kids, over here!" somebody yelled. "Don't let my sister drown you with her elegy. I'm more interesting, come check me out!"

"Great uncle Solomon", laughed James, as Lily said goodbye to the old lady. They approached the statue of a man whose face was covered in scars and scratches, making him look much older than he actually was. "How's your ear?"

"Still not found," grumbled the effigy in response. "Very nice of you to bring that up, ickle Potter. Who's the chick?"

"Solomon G. F. Potter!" exclaimed a statue next to him reproachfully. "Watch your manners."

"Mother," barked Solomon. "In case you haven't noticed, I am not twelve any more. I haven't even been alive for twenty years now! And neither have you."

"Unessential," said the old woman stonily. "The rules of behaviour in front of a lady are unavoidable and unforgettable. How do you do, sweetheart?"

"Quite well," smiled Lily, glancing towards the statue's golden plate. "_Madame Charlotte Rouge Potter_."

"Charlotte Rouge _MacLean_. They made a mistake over there. I never technically received my husband's last name."

"Thank Merlin for that", another statue interrupted. "You've never been a real Potter."

"Shut up, Noele."

"Noele?" cried Lily, dumbfounded. "_Aunt_ Noele?"

"That's how James and the rest of the nephews used to call me, yeah."

Lily moved closer to the statue, facing a slightly masculine woman. "You're just the way I imagined you. James has talked about you a few times. All best, I might add."

"Has he?" the statue beamed. "He's prolly told you what he did when he was ten, right? That one time when he climbed his broom in order to follow me--"

"Aunt Noele," said James, his eyes flashing a warning look. "_Don't_."

"Aunt Noele," smirked Lily. "Please do."

"Well, if you insist," said aunt Noele, beaming. "I was a Quidditch player, best player there was. No beater could knock me off my _Cleansweep_, oh no. Flying was everything to me. So I used to fly around the manor a lot - whenever I needed to sort out my thoughts--"

"Thoughts?" interrupted Charlotte MacLean. "In order to have thoughts, you require a brain, Noele. Fortunately for us, you had no such thing."

"Thank you, stone-face. Anyways, J. E. W. N. D. P. decided to see where I was going, so he got on his little broom and began to stalk me. And, being a great Seeker as I was, I spotted him right away and started speeding up. James wouldn't give up so he sped up as well. I couldn't help but think how talented he was; barely ten and already so skilled. Must've got my talent.

"Anyhow, I wanted to test him. I began flying left and right and up and down and little James managed to follow every single detour. So I decided to do one more thing before actually admitting that boy would become a big name in Quidditch business one day. I decided to perform the _Thornton's Turning_ and see what he'd do about that—"

"Cute little story, isn't it?" interjected James. "Too bad it's so short. Let's introduce you to the rest of the late Potters--"

"I'm sure that's not the end of the story, James", replied Lily, sneering. "I want to hear the whole tale. Please, go on, Noele."

"So," Noele nodded contently and continued narrating. "as we were nearing the next big manor I pulled my broom left and quickly turned right, momentarily disappearing from little James's sight. James was caught off guard; he didn't know what to do and before he could decide if he'd turn left or right, he flew directly through a window of that house, straight into a girl's bedroom. And you can imagine the comedy when he the girl saw him and she was completely nak—"

Suddenly, an awful piercing scream filled the air. It cut Noele's words as though slashed with a knife, striking everyone with terrible unease. "MADAME!", somebody yelled, aghast. "_MADAME_!"

"What is going on?" whispered Lily, feeling goosebumps all over her body as the statues and portraits began fermenting.

"That... that's Thinny, I think", said James, looking alarmed. "But I've never heard her yelling like this, this can't be—"

Some more muffled shouts and hurried steps were heard and Lily instinctively moved closer to James, not sure if she wanted to comfort him or be comforted.

The statues appeared upset and confused, spreading panic incredibly fast between themselves.

"Maybe it's a burglar, there are Muggle burglars all over the country, you never know when one can break in—"

"No, they are too stupid for that, and the protection is perfect here—"

"Or it's that bloody ghoul, he always makes a mess—"

"What if we've got ourselves a Poltergeist? I say, banish him, banish him now—"

"Poltergeist? Oh, you're stupider than I thought, Solomon--"

"Who gives you right to call me stupid, you half-blood blond? I don't know why they even gave you a portrait when you are not a real pureb--"

"Shut up, everyone!" snapped James, seizing a wand. "Shut up now, or I'll blast you all to pieces! I don't care if you were my great aunt, freaking uncle, bloody nephew or godmother; it concerns you all – _shut up or you're history_. That's not a threat, it's a vow."

The statues didn't need to hear James's words twice; they silenced immediately, obviously not thrilled with the idea of being destroyed for good.

"It's my father, it's his voice", said James after a few moments of intent listening. "It's almost unbelievable I can hear him way over here... Means he must be shouting and he almost never raises his voice. Something is—"

" --_wrong_", said a rough voice which belonged to an ancient portrait of a man, possibly one of the oldest dead Potters in the chamber.

Quiet, almost inaudible fermenting filled the chamber again, but James didn't seem to be noticing it. He and Lily stared at the man's grim face, waiting to hear the rest. "That's where you're right, young J. E. W. N. D. P. It's not good at all. Your mother Victoria has been under an attack during the terrain work today. The other Aurors, healers and William are fighting for her life at this bare moment. And Merlin forgive me for saying this, but... I don't think it is going very well at all."

* * *


End file.
